it hardly counts

Lily: yes, i'm a lawyer. and a woman. and yes, my ass just made sounds you would only hear at a zoo.

OAK: also, I may have crapped myself. but just a little.

Lily: i probably won't even have to throw the underwear out. that is how little i crapped myself

Unassailable logic

SJ: oh and i just noticed that im starting to get a turkey neck.  so sexy

 

Lily: you do NOT have turkey neck

 

SJ: oh yes ... i saw it

 

Lily: Look. I'm highly judgemental. especially of my friends because i have to know when i'm not going to stand a chance of being the center of attention.    If you had turkey neck, i would have noticed it and would be secretly gloating right now.  I'm not gloating. that would put me in a GOOD mood and i'm clearly having a BAD week ergo you do NOT have turkey neck.  go ahead.

just TRY to argue with that logic.

Golden Girls

Friend: At what age will we be the Golden Girls?

Roomie: 50

Friend: Can we agree that there will be no Rose? I can't stand her.

Roomie: Yeah, there will only be blanche and the mom. Maybe Dorothy but she is iffy.

Friend: Rose gotta die.

Friend: We can each be 50% Sofia and 50% Blanche

Roomie: The perfect combination of sass and whore.

Clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time

Jacey: we missed our calling as evil genius and trusty henchman.

Lily: wait. why am i the henchman? i've got looser morals than you. i think i should get to be the evil genius

Jacey: i'm more calculating than you are.

Lily: i'm not really good at following directions

Jacey: think of it like I'm magneto and you're mystique. so you get to be rebecca romaine lettuce while i'm sir ian mckellan. i think you win this one.

Lily: LOL i love our debates

Jacey: i bend metal. you get to shape shift and do the actual dirty work. me too. clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time.

You still live inside...so there is that...

Lily: this will make you feel better about your life: This morning i saw a pink top or maybe a dress in the gutter. and my immediate thought was, "i wonder if that is my size. i really like the color. if i washed it, it wouldn't be that bad."

Jacey: you are gross

Lily: i'm a fucking homeless person!

Jacey:

you have an apt.

you're not homeless.

you just have homeless tendencies

Purse Physics

Holly:
i think it's many a woman's plight
if there is space (in a purse) we will fill it
but there is also so much shit we need

Lilly: like a 2 pound burrito. "just in case"

Holly: exactly - or sandals bc your heals always give you blisters

Lilly: and of course band aids to use on the blisters

Holly: and moleskin as well.  neosporin to prevent infection.

Lilly: tylenol (for the pain)

Holly: a 32oz bottle of water

Lilly: oh then some hand santizer since you are fiddling with your feet.  and lotion since the sanitizer dries out your hands.

Holly: bottle of nailpolish to touch up your manicure.

Lilly: and pedicure since now you are showing your toes in your flip flops! (add a top coat so there are no chips)

Lilly: and after all that work, i get a bit sweaty so i need deoderant

Holly: and mascara in case you need to reapply before dinner

Lilly: If i'm redoing the mascara i probably should just touch up everything. since i'm in there.

Holly: and always moisurizer with spf if you go out in the sun
and something to read
and your calendar

Lilly: maybe some extra jewlery in case you need to make an outfit fancier?

Holly: and a jacket or sweater bc sf is alawys cold

Lilly: some underwear and a toothbrush. "just in case."

Holly: and then all of a sudden you have a 50lb purse...huh how did that happen?

Lilly: "what the? my wallet doesn't even fit in this purse! i need a bigger purse!"

F*&! nature

Lilly: there is a fucking hawk or something screaming outside my window.  or a sad baby bird...or bird sounding cat...whatever. it is really annoying. i wish my windows opened and that i had a gun

Holly: i have annoying birds at home like that.  and if i wake up it keeps sqwawking and i can't go back to sleep.

Lilly: fucking nature

Holly: yeah couldn't god have given them a better fucking voice?? shit man