expensive ass

Roomie: btw. my darling husband is a no show today. for that, i wish him jock itch

SJ: darling husband has a life. he cant tie himself to chat.

Roomie: darling husband should have woken up early to say hello if he had other plans at this hour

SJ: ok. possessive much?

Roomie: i'm a model. i have like a BILLION other options.

SJ: really? you went on ONE shoot

Roomie: also i'm now flying to australia alone just to see him. so i have a right to be possessive. that piece of ass is costing me 2k

SJ: seems to me that piece of ass is worth 2K. that's why you planned the damn trip in the first place

Pickle Harpoon

Roomie: other things i did today: speared a pickle with a pen (it was at the bottom of the pickle jar). raised my pen harpoon yelling "success!" right as a coworker walked into my office--was called disgusting and asked if i ever heard of a pickle fork. um..no? and even if i had, why would i have a pickle fork at work?

SJ: pickle fork = myth...and no one would bring one to work

Roomie: pen harpoon seems ingenius to me

SJ: i thought bravo when i read it

I'm sure nobody would notice

Oakland: that works - fairyland is in the park on the lake right by my house

Lily: yeah i remember running by it!

Oakland: and now we don't need to kidnap a child to get in

Lily:that is perfect. although i had one lined up.

Lily: it might have actually been a midget

Lily: tomato tomahto

The Dan Quayle of Liberal Women

Lily: ugh. just a bunch of tomatos. tomatoes. what is the plural there? my brain isn't working and both look wrong

SJ: tomatoes

Lily: sigh. i'm like the george bush of single liberal awesome women.

SJ: actually i was thinking dan quayle. remember he was at that national spelling bee and he told a kid that they spelled potato wrong? the kid spelled it right. dan quayle said it was supposed to be potatoe

lily: yeah. you are right. i'm the dan quayle of single hot liberal women

We've noticed..

SJ: wait a minute. i thought you were all pissy at him bc of some dumb pic he commented on in fb

Lily: yep. I was.

SJ: Uh huh...

Lily: i'm a moody bipolar bitch. obviously.

SJ: you think?

Lily: HEY!

SJ: You frighten even me.

Nobody likes when their relatives visit

Lily: i have KILLEr cramps today. the kind that make you want to curl up in the fetal position moaning

SJ: aunt flo is a-coming

Lily: god i hope so. otherwise its Uncle Severe Internal Injury...and that guy is a total dick

gas? or love?

SJ: we have the most bizarre chats
Sj: my stomach hurts

Lily: Unrelated?

SJ: bc im laughing so hard

Lily: oh. i thought my being in love made you ill

SJ: no, your maria act makes me ill

SJ: you're being in love is hysterical

Lily: oh shit. we are about to witness me losing all self respect.here goes.

SJ:this is fantastic

Lily: done.

Lily: i feel like i want to punch myself in my own ovaries

SJ: i wish i was friends with him so i could witness this
SJ: and say something like, "i wish i could like this 1000 times!"

Lily: seriously. i wish i was friends with myself so i could unfriend myself for being so damn uncool

--- more facebook postings go up---

SJ: oh for god's sake...you're in palo alto right? im coming up there to punch you

how does this EVEN COME UP?!

Lily: i would giggle if i were a homicidal monkey who downloaded naughty videos onto your machine while you were sleeping and was now watching you struggle with the inevitable viruses from such smut