Round One : Me

Roomie: and yet...i was going to dress up as a slutty 8 year old to drive 6 hours to party with a gay man i don't know in a city i am unfamiliar with wchihc is dangerously close to the mexican border...OH and i'd be doing all of this as a british citizen so i could stay in a hostel.

DC: Well when you put it that way....

Roomie: SO when i wake up in mexico with a gay man dressed as a slutty 8 year old, I will go on a tour fo a tequila factory and then i'll not be able to get back into america

Roomie: bc i won't be an american...haha

Roomie: OMG i HAVE to go to LA! that sounds like THE BEST STORY EVER! holy crap! i think i convinced myself with the tour of the tequila factory

Roomie: i really know how to play on my own weaknesses

DC: wow. you won your arguemtn with yourself because you played up to your own weaknesses. that is pretty amazing

SWF seeks...

Roomie: but i'm trying to figure out how to get to la bc i wanna see him. anyone who can wake up in a casino with no recollection of checking in, down a grand, minus a car and missing all the buttons off his shirt...all without abusing drugs? that is my kind of man...

DC: Yeah. No doubt. That is a man after my own sordid heart.

WOW. all i can say here is WOW.

Friend: Let me break it down for you. It is 415 your time. Here’s what it is time to do. Answer the phone close the door to your office. Turn off the lights. All you have to do is anytime you hear footsteps all you need to do is go no, no, yes, that is not what we are doing on that file, I understand I understand uh huh uh huh and then pretend we are talking about something business related. That is how its going to have to be my friend because I haven’t talked to you in for fucking ever because I go to sleep to early for you bc I am ridiculous. And you drive to work after I am already at work. I drive to work while you are still sleeping and I drive home from work while you are still at work and you drive home from work while I am eating dinner and then by that time I am basically ready for bed.

In conclusion you will have to pretend we are talking business and randomly have conversations that involve “NO mr. so and so I do not have that file for you” flawless plan and I don’t see how this could possibly backfire.

In the event you want to move here, I am pretty sure I could get a job for you in Child Support and you would actually be making more money than me. So, that would be nice for you and we could work together so you could be making more money than me with my friend who is great and would like you and is a straight female. Which is a huge bonus. And then…oh god Now I can just see you surrounded by baby daddies bc your luck they would all love you and you would be like “oooh baby….”


CALLS BACK….Gets disconnected…texts…”your phone hates me”

just a little spritz

Roomie tells story about creeper...

Guy: How do you FIND these people? You must be giving off a scent...

Roomie: Maybe I should stop wearing Eau'd desparate young boy...

more texts from last night

friend (10:59 pm): how were drinks, mah luuuuuuuv?

friend (12:50am): i live tequilla.

friend (12:50am): love. p.

friend (12:51am): like sands through the hour glass.

coworker (12:24pm next day): friend, you hangin in there?

texts from last night

friend (12:56am): i love tequilla. if i'm bring jm Nnest, it's pro babih my best fdiens.

friend (12:57am): bff

friend (12:57am): what i'm swing here is were close. like peas ane carrots.

roomie (12:35 pm next day): Dear Friend, please check your outgoing messages from last night. Haha.

friend: already did. you got the gems.

roomie: lmao. Classic!

a girl can dream

Roomie: when we are billionaires we can drive lazy boys around our estates

DC: YES or more importantly our servants can drive them for us

Roomie: yes we can have the annual servant games to see who gets the coveted position of lazboy driver

DC: YES!!!! feats of strength! matches of wit mixing of drink competitions with Medals! for us to wear, not them

Roomie: OMG the future is so beautiful. I think i might cry!