so not at all the same...?

after recounting respective debauchery...

roomie: we are awesome. we are totally sex and the city. minus the money. and friends.

selfish is as selfish does

Co-worker: Will you be my friend now?

Roomie: I expect all my friends to buy me lunch at least once a week...

Co-worker: I do too! We can trade off.

Roomie: I'm sorry. I simply cannot be friends with people who are as selfish as I am.

Dengue Fever!

roomie: OH NO! I hav ALL the symptoms of Dengue fever! Well, minus the rash but I AM itchy! FML.

Friend: can you hide a key so I can still stay at your place?

Shorty Fire Burning on the Dance Floor! Oh. no. wait. that is a real fire.

Roomie: Yep. Massive building fire across the street from me at 4am. Guesswhose car wasn't moved? Seriously. I have to wait until they put itout before I can go to work.

DC: please tell me you used this great opportunity to snag a cute and rich and single Fireman husband.......... please don't dissapoint :-)

Roomie: Yeah. He saw me in the crowd below and ran down the ladder, swooped me up in his arms and kissed me passionately in the falling ash and embers...

Friend: Was he shirtless and lightly covered in a mixture of soot and sweat and wielding an axe?

Roomie: It is like you were there! He put his helmet on me as he carried me through the cheering crowd. It is a beautiful morning.

Friend: Your life sounds awesome.

at least my name is bilingual

PD: I'm going to start my own firm and will recruit spanish speaking clients. I'm even going to have a business card made with my name in English AND Spanish.

Roomie: That is a great idea! Just out of curiosity, what is your spanish name?

tomato tomato (uh the second tomato should sound like tomAHto)

Roomie: Unrelated, my toaster is broken. I had to have raw toast this morning!

Friend: Um, raw toast is called bread, genius.

We are NOT on the same page

#1: His text said "Thanks again for the ride" and I thought he meant me but he meant when I drove him home. so my face is red now.

#2: Hahahaha that is amazing. Amazing.

#1: He never responded after I said "Right back at you!" and then realized my mistake. Fail.

#2: Omg, you make my life.