Lily: i like him enough to overlook his physical flaws

coworker: What? he only has one leg?

Lily: more like three.

love is always lying about looks

Hubby: You always look beautiful to me!

Lily: That is a lie. A damned dirty lie.

Hubby: Well, yes. You tend to let yourself go but I still love you.

Lawyers solve problems

Lily: You will be fine. Just put a beer in your back pocket.

Chicago: Beer. That is another problem.

Lily: What is the problem with beer?!

Chicago: I had too much (beer that is) and now i'm gonna be dehydrated!

Lily: Ok. New plan. Don't stop drinking so that way you don't have time to be dehydrated.

Chicago: I knew I could count on you for good advice!

Just call me Maria.

Chicago: Are you trying to hook up with someone that is no good for you?

Lily: Probably...

Chicago: Sigh. What are we going to do with ou.

Lily: I know. I'm impossible!

Chicago: How do you solve a problem like Stephanie

Lily: My parents gave up on that a long time ago.

Girls are vulgar. Men would be shocked.

Lily: i think you just need to meet a european playboy. they fix EVERYTHING...like one carefree night. no rules. no laws. no committment. no drama. bam.

SJ: yeah but i cant understand a word they're saying. and while we're having sex its really distracting to keep having to go: "im sorry? what was that?"

Lily: uh why do they need to speak? shut up and lick.

this is why everyone needs a manager

"Dear" KFC,
It has been brought to my attention that on Monday, August 25, 2011 you appeared at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California dressed in blue jeans and a tee shirt and without benefit of a shave. The dress code at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California is "Business Casual" not "Shifty and Ghetto." The dress code for being the social escort of Roomie is "Sharp and Submissive" not "Slovenly and Pathetic." While it could be argued that covering your chubby cheeks with fur might be a marginal improvement, the actual effect gave the appearance of a rather dim-witted howler monkey with a hormonal imbalance.

It has also been brought to my attention that when you appeared on Monday, August 25, 2011 at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California in your disheveled and inappropriate condition,(By the way, do you have any conception of what appropriate is, or is your social competence on a par with your clothing selection skills?), you failed to pay for Roomie's food and beverage. Due to this egregious (Do you even know what "egregious" means? Get your mommy to help you with the big words, when you get home to her tonight.) faux pas (see previous note) Ms. Roomie will not be accompanying you on any further social occasions until she receives a Visa card in her name on your account. Please pay any charges which are placed on this card immediately, so that Ms. Roomie always has the full credit line at her disposal. Otherwise, she will be forced to go over the limit, and you will be forced to pay fees that should have been spent on her. If this occurs, please send cash to Ms. Roomie in the amount of the fees, to make restitution for your financial irresponsibility.

Ms. Roomie will be using this card to make the monthly payments on her student loans, as well. It will be your honor and privilege to relieve her of this noisome duty. In return for this, Roomie will, if convenient to her, accompany you on up to two noisome social outings per month. Don't call her, she will call you. If you call or attempt to call her, you will forfeit all social outings for two months. Roomie has located a Dogloo in the garbage room of her apartment building in case you need to stay over. Please don't bark at the rats.
As degrading as this arrangement may seem to you, remember that it is far more degrading to Roomie to even know you.

Sincerely,

Business Manager,
Roomie Enterprises

investment opportunity

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm writing to tell you about a great investment opportunity! And that investment is ME! I've decided that the thing I'm really best at in life is coincidentally what I enjoy the most. You might be wondering, what could this be? cycling? running? snowboarding? lawyering? creative writing? modeling? the list is seemingly endless but my REAL skills lie in being pampered and not having to work. Yes, I"m talking about marrying a wealthy man and never lifting a finger again. I truly believe this is my calling in life.

Now, you guys did a great job in training me how to assimilate into the wealthy social class I strive to belong to. I learned quite a bit about country clubs and snobbery at St. Anne's. I know that I rebelled for a while but that was just a phase. I've come to my senses and i'm ready to marry rich. And good news! I"ve met someone.

Technically it was a business dinner but I was reading the signs (as well as the time from his Cartier watch) and feel that he is just as interested in my looks as i am in his money. This, my dear parents, is a match made in heaven. In fact, this handsome european businessman has said that i should come visit his vacation home in St. Tropez because that is the social circle I should be spending my time in. Now, from my extensive field research, i know that men don't want to feel like you are using them for their money and they value strong independent woman (at least in the beginning) so I very wisely did not insist that he pay for my plane ticket. Which brings us to the amazing investment opportunity!

I feel it would benefit all of us if I went to St. Tropez to find a rich husband. Now, this may not seem like you will get anything out of this if you choose to be my financial backer, but I assure you I would repay your kindness with interest (you know that Jag you've always wanted Dad? and Mom, what about a week in Paris shopping and going to the spa?). It was painfully obvious at this dinner that I would fit in perfectly in St. Tropez (did you know American rapper P. Diddy also has a home there?!) and am confident I would have a husband within the year.

Summer is almost over and so I would need to go to St. Tropez no later than Labor Day. I understand if you cannot buy me a ticket before then. That is why i'm proposing two other excellent investment opportunities! You can also send me to Istanbul for a European Sales Meeting. OR help pay for me to spend Christmas in Europe (with New Years, naturally, in Monaco as is expected of someone of my social status).

Let me know what dates will work for you! I look forward to our future financial partnership!

Love you!

Lily

REPLY:
There is more to life than money, darling. To make sure you are doing the right thing, your mother is on her way to St. Tropez to check it out firsthand. If it is all that you say it is, I will send for you immediately.

Love always,
Mom