how to NOT be supportive of your girlfriend

Lilly: i have akombucha bottle that wants to explode.. the carbon gas got too much. i tried to take the lid off but the pressure was too great and now it is making sounds. i put it in the trash can to absorb most of the explosion.

LBF: poor you living in constant fear of a carbonated drink thats just a terrible working environment

Lilly: you sound like you might be mocking me...it is hard to tell with your accent

Lilly: it is a GLASS bottle! i could be injured

LBF: WHAT??? I didn't know it was glass!!!

Lilly: I don't like the cut of your jib

LBF: GET OUT OF THERE!!!

Lilly: ok now i'm definitely sensing some snark

pretty people don't need skills

SJ tells roomie that Roomie looks good today.

Roomie: ok i feel much better now. i was having a rough start to my morning.

SJ: yeah looking that good can be troubling im sure

Roomie: no i mean work is going poorly but now that i'm pretty i don't need to be good at my job

Validate here

Lily: I just sent you two pictures of my new outfit that i'm wearing to work today. Please check your phone immediately and validate my self esteem.

You are charged with being a crazy evil bitch

Roomie: go on facebook IMMEDIATELY. i posted the most amazing photo everof something on my drive to work
SJ: omg i want to meet the owner of the squirrel car and shake their hand
Roomie: ME TOO. a tiny part of me wants to dress up in wolf blitzer and drive around in the squirrel car for a day
SJ: i want to be in the passenger seat. we could hand out balloons spreading sunshine and good cheer
me: YES. or perhaps hand out balloons and then pop them haha
SJ: yessssssssss
Roomie: wait. good will...
SJ: and then point and laugh
Roomie: YESSS lol i'm totally smiling already this plan definitely brings happiness to the world
SJ: me too. well ... to our world. we'd be on the evening news.
Roomie: right. our world inside the squirrel car. we'd be arrested i think. knowing our luck our tail light would be out.
SJ: arrested for wearing wolf blitzer, driving a squirrel car and popping balloons? what's our crime? being crazy evil bitches?wait that's the weirdest sentence ive ever written. if that EVER happens im writing a book
Roomie: HAHAHAHA no we would be arrested for having a broken tail light. can you imagine the police report or the booking photo?

Enjoy the ride

Roomie: this morning he was like "you aren't sad i'm leaving. you are sad you won't get sex tonight."ummm ok maybe that is true...i was like "look, i don't mind that you are attached to that beautiful penis so enjoy the ride."

shh baby shh

Roomie: shh baby shh

SJ: that completely creeps me out

Roomie: like 'shhh baby shhh. i'm about to murder you."

SJ: shh baby shh, dont be afraid of the sharp knife

Roomie: shhh baby shh. i just want to like your eye

SJ: Like or lick?

Roomie: crap
Roomie: damnit
Roomie: shit ballls fuck
Roomie: and tits on top
Roomie: i meant lick obviously

SJ: calm down. i know. hahaha

Roomie: that felt REALLY good to type all that! i think i might give myself teurettes...no WONDER they don't control themselves

Gingerbread house making party

Roomie: Do they sell premade houses somewhere? I MIGHT be able to make a batch of back yard accessories on Friday or Saturday before the party but I"m fairly certain i won't be able to make an entire house (I would make it here in SF before I fly out but I don't think it would last on the plane. mostly because i would eat it.)

Hostess: Yes at King Soopers you can buy the kit for 9.99. Thats what I am going to do. They have houses or trains.

Guest 1:I might need some instruction on making the house...

Roomie: I"m just going to make a train and then sprinkle house bits around and pretend there was a tragic christmas accident.Your house can live on the same street as mine if it gets too hard to assemble.

Hostess: WOW! Its super esy guys. 5 years olds can do it for real!!! LMAO

Roomie: yeah 5 year olds with some serious parental guidance. are your parents going to be there to help us hmmm?

Hostess: yep...with wine in hand

Guest 1: So... should I buy a box of grahm crackers???

Roomie: yeah. and maybe some fake blood. I bet we can get it on discount since halloween just ended. (btw even if we don't use them, i really like to eat graham crackers because most are vegan. well. except for the bees. but i hate bees and don't mind exploiting them for their delicious honey. take THAT bees!)