date night

Jacey:  examples of potential texts you might receive:  1.  he was wearing a flannel shirt and i walked out immediately, 2.  he had a perma smile that made him look like plastic and i excused myself to the restroom and climbed out the window, 3.  he was charming and we have scheduled a second dated, 4.  he was nice, i'll give him a second shot, 5.  meh, not interested.
6.  i've got his twin's number so we can be sister wives.

Lilly: i like 6. also 2. but i'm hoping for 3. unless charming = sociopath in which case i'm worried on your behalf.

Jacey: Charming does NOT equal serial killer.

Lilly:  good.  but that is always what you hear about serial killers. that they were charming. so be careful.

Jacey: true, good call.

the most terrifying friendship ever

Hubby: sorry things are rough with your boyfriend. Just know that you are right for me. So turn that frown upside down.

Lilly: I love you! someday when polygamy is allowed, I expect to be your number 2

Hubby: I"m listening to "true colors" and it is bringin a tear to my eye as I think about you. Lame, I realize.

Lilly: You will always be my baby.

Lilly: Seriously. if you try to leave me i will find you.

Hubby:  Aww! and this is why I love you! Fucking adorable. I love seeing your little face pressed against my window.

Tuesday Frowns

SJ: I caught Al Pacino in a doozy of a lie.  \He tried to cover it up but I took his sorry tales and tore them to shred.  He doesn't like it when i do that. Huh. Too fucking bad dude.  Damn, if it isn't always fucking something.

Lilly: Fuckin a. I'm sorry.

SJ: THis is crap. I can't even get angry. I'm almost insulted at how easy he makes it to find things out. ..

Lilly:Good luck. I'll pack my ninja suit next week if you need me to.

SJ: Sweet! Success will be ours and we will celebrate with margaritas and drag queens and Karaoke at 2 in the morning

Lilly: So this will go down on Tuesday then?

SJ: What makes you say Tuesday?

Lilly: It just sounded like what I used to do on Tuesday nights in Sacramento

SJ: I hate tuesdays more than mondays!

Lilly: you wouldn't if tuesday ended with a drag queen singing karaoke while you drank margaritas

Sj: I could turn that tuesday frown upside down!

Lilly's Moday Morning Rant to SJ:

fml i'm so tired
i thought today was sunday
then realized it was monday but then thought "wait! it is labor day! i can stay in bed!"
fail
i'm also bloated so i wore fat pants. and they fit perfectly. they are just pants now. which makes me sad. so i thought 'i'll go for a run before my deposition starts at 1230!" but i forgot my shoes. fail.
fail fail fail.
i'm one big fat failure
emphasis on the big and fat
....
....
i hope you aren't in a webex. if so, hello everyone! i hope you feel better about yourselves now! you are WELCOME!

legitimate life choices

1:  why are you in a laundry basket?
2:  seemed like a good call.
1:  I'm judging you.
2:  I'm judging YOU.
1:  that's fine, I'm not wearing many clothes.
20-30 minutes later
1:  you better not still be in that basket
2:  (still in basket)

deep thoughts on ice cubes

FF (yelling from the kitchen):  your ice cubes are weird!
jacey (yelling from my room):  your ice cubes are weird!
FF:  I don't have any ice cubes!
jacey:  are there ice cubes in your glass?!
FF:  yes!
jacey:  those are YOUR ice cubes!
FF:  touché! Your ice cube trays are weird!
jacey (walking down the hall to kitchen): I accept.  Hey, the next ice cubes I'm getting are weird too!
FF: the ones you got bf?!
jacey: yes.
FF:  those aren't weird, they're awesome.  Why didn't you buy them for us when you bought them for bf?
jacey:  I couldn't rationalize spending 30 dollars on ice cube trays in one day.
FF:  holy shit, that's ridiculous.
FF's friend S(who was in the bathroom next to my room for all of this): this is the first ice cube fight I've ever witnessed.
FF: this isn't a fight.
jacey: yea, it's just a discussion.
S:  first ice cube discussion then.
FF:  have you seen the ice cubes?  They're weird.
jacey:  they're for water bottles!!!!
FF:  oooooooh, that makes sense now.
S: stares at us bewildered.

Firefighters can be real assholes

Jacey moved in with a firefighter, who is an asshole sometimes.


FF:  what are you up to tonight?
Jacey:  nada, you?
FF:  going out w S.
Jacey:  I thought you worked today.
FF:  round up your bitches and come out.  No, funeral leave, 2 more days.
Jacey:  Please tell me you were not home when I was having a total meltdown trying to get dressed this afternoon...
FF: oh I was.
Jacey:  Jesus.  You need to put a sign on your door when you're home so I know. Also so I'm not standing in my room ass naked with the door open.

10 min later, FF returns home.

FF:  did you put my cheese in the fridge?
Jacey:  I need to move out, I can never speak with you again.  Also, I thought you were gone and a ghost put the cheese out, so I put it away.
FF:  oh, I haven't been home since noon, I was just fucking with you.  You can't set me up like that and not expect me to mess with you.
Jacey:  I hate you.