Road ID

(Commercial for Road ID comes on...explaining why you need emergency info in case you get hit by a car...because you just might be an olympic champion)

Roomie 1: I want a Road ID that says "ROOMIE 1. Not a strong swimmer." Done.

Roomie 2: so they know not to throw your body in the river when they find it?

Why are you crazies burning your bras again?

Friend: I need to marry someone really wealthy. If Mr. Attorney hadn't been crazy and already had 2 baby mamas and kids and wanted more, he could have worked.

Roomie: Haha. Minor flaw. I need to be married too. I am really upset at the women's movement. Back in the day we'd already be hitched.

Friend: I know! Maybe we should try eharmony. Those people look really happy int he commercials. I think the giant slice of oreo cake i'm working my throught might hurt my chances at being a trophy wife.

Roomie:Psh. Whatever. Everyone likes a girl who can eat oreo cake.

um, are you watching porn?

friend's dad (sitting in another room):  well hello you little slut.

friend (thinking to self):  wtf is he watching???  wtf??!!!!  (looks into other room and sees dad looking across the room, NOT talking to television)

friend's dad:  haha.  you're so funny frankie.  (family dog who likes to sleep on his back showing his bidness to the world)  you love sleeping on your back.  is that because you like having your legs in the air!?  you are a little slut frankie, just showing it to everyone.  have some modesty!

best dressed lists

friend (bored and people watching at work):  Fashion winner of the day: woman wearing plaid clam diggers with extreme camel toe and an "I heart my vagina" tshirt.

well hello there doctor...

friend:  so my doc told me to take pictures of my hives.  tried to take one of my back and ended up shooting a pic that showed my booty in a black thong.  Erased.

and then I had some dom perignon

Shark Enthusiast: What did you do for the Fourth of July?

Roomie: I went yachting.

(silence)

Roomie: Didn't see that one coming, didja?

Shark Enthusiast: Well, I see you are adapting quite well to your new life!

remember to stretch next time

Roomie: My pinky is swollen up. Just in case you thought things couldn't get worse...i have a big fat hand!

New Roomie: Why?

Roomie: No idea. Can't find any bite marks and it doesn't hurt too much. Elephantitis?

New Roomie: Maybe it is a margarita injury?


Roomie: Yeah maybe I sprained it by insisiting on holding my pinky up while I sip my big vat of booze...

New Roomie: It could be a chip dipping accident

Roomie: I DID attack that guac pretty ferociously.