MethSpace

DC: man, there is a lot of white trash on myspace...its like the trailer park of social networks...i think i got a meth high just for being on it

detective school drop out

roomie: just called the cops to report my car stolen... it was still there and in fact only 5 spaces away from where i was standing.

friend: lmao.

roomie: yeah... that was the cop's reaction too.

friend: so are they the ones that found it?

roomie: yeah... he said, "you really thought if it wasn't in this exact spot it couldn't be anywhere else?"

friend: haha. i just told jr. boss man. he loves this story. seriously though. didn't you look anywhere else??

roomie: i was positive i had parked there!

friend: i'm dying.

roomie: i tried the tourist card too and he said, "there is NO excuse for this."

friend: thank you for sharing this. you've made my day.

roomie: i try. feel free to share this story-- i'm sure you already have.

friend: i've told most of the office.

roomie: i figured.

Woo Chic

Roomie: Is it safe to text you something embarassing and way TMI? I dont want to scare your coworkers again.

Friend: Yes.

Roomie: I have upper thigh soul patch. Like 2 hairs that are an inch long. How did I miss those shaving?!

Friend: HAHA at least it isn't your woo

Roomie: A woo soul patch? I am intrigued

Friend: Oh, well you know I don't have one. My woo is telly sevales style. But a woo soul patch would be gross.

Roomie: I would just braid it and go native woo. I have a woo buzz cut. Army Style. My woo could totes be a marine.

Friend: Mine is bald so i guess it could be a marine too. Haha braided native woo!!

Roomie: It could be very trendy.

Friend: Gross. Marine and bald woos are far superiour to native woo.

roomie: Well obviously because neither one of us would ever have a sub par woo.

Emergency Planning

Roomie: I'm going on a date tonight

Guy: OOh! Where are you going?

Roomie: I don't know. But I filled my purse with pretzels just in case he takes me somewhere I can't eat anything.

at least you made a grand entrance

Roomie: will walk into the church with my flask hidden in my thigh holster and god will strike me down...and when the lightning hits, my cigarettes will ignite and the alcohol will fuel the fire and not only will i be dead, but i'll be a dead smoker with a flask in a thigh holster

so THATs what eHarmony is for

DC: relationshps are overrated. think of all the freedom you have being single! and ready to mingle!

Roomie: remind me of that when i'm 50 and alone

DC: i will. and i'll show you how many people we know are divorced and miserable too
Roomie: i'll probably be playing yatzee with all of them anyway after we reconnect on eharmony

Dude. You are SERIOUSLY bitter.

Roomie: Next week I"m making red velvet cupcakes in honor of that shitty shitty holiday designed to remind single women to start investing in cats because nobody will ever love them. Oh and just to help them down the road to loneliness and despair - here is some chocolate.