All life's decisions can be made from song lyrics

Friend: I need to reread the art of war and have that be my relationship guide. Or is that fucked up?

Roomie: that isn't fucked up at all. there is a reason they say all is fair in love and war. because love is a battlefield.

Friend: And I intend to be a shot caller in the battlefield of love.

Roomie: I'll give you a ride. I just got 20" blades on my Impala.

Friend: You are such a baller!

sympathy 101

after roomie describes awful injury to face...

friend: how does this shit happen to us???

roomie: i don't know. oh and my entire toenail then fell off. the whole thing in one chunk.

friend: u r gross

friend: sorry a 15 year old girl stole my phone.

apparently maturity does not come with age...

friend (2:14am, sober): feelings are horrible!!!! fuck!!!

roomie (9:10 am, possibly sober): feelings ARE horrible. lol. fuck feelings. i'm having an emotional lobotomy as soon as possible.

friend: i want that!

tw revisited

friend: you're having fun?

roomie: yea! except i can't get to the finish today bc i don't have credentials. so i am either going to have to walk 5 miles uphill OR talk my way onto a VIP bus.

friend: show your thighs. they'll know.

limitless hotness

friend: if the hottest cyclist there shat himself in your presence, like bull blown explosive diarrhead himself, would you still find him hot?

roomie: yes.

roomie: i'd offer to wipe.

friend: what if some of it got on your face?

roomie: i'd say he owed me a giant engagement ring.

friend: what if he shat himself while passenging in your car?

roomie: i'd say he needed buy me a new car.

roomie: there is literally nothing he could do, except maybe if he shat himself while screwing another man.