You are charged with being a crazy evil bitch

Roomie: go on facebook IMMEDIATELY. i posted the most amazing photo everof something on my drive to work
SJ: omg i want to meet the owner of the squirrel car and shake their hand
Roomie: ME TOO. a tiny part of me wants to dress up in wolf blitzer and drive around in the squirrel car for a day
SJ: i want to be in the passenger seat. we could hand out balloons spreading sunshine and good cheer
me: YES. or perhaps hand out balloons and then pop them haha
SJ: yessssssssss
Roomie: wait. good will...
SJ: and then point and laugh
Roomie: YESSS lol i'm totally smiling already this plan definitely brings happiness to the world
SJ: me too. well ... to our world. we'd be on the evening news.
Roomie: right. our world inside the squirrel car. we'd be arrested i think. knowing our luck our tail light would be out.
SJ: arrested for wearing wolf blitzer, driving a squirrel car and popping balloons? what's our crime? being crazy evil bitches?wait that's the weirdest sentence ive ever written. if that EVER happens im writing a book
Roomie: HAHAHAHA no we would be arrested for having a broken tail light. can you imagine the police report or the booking photo?

Enjoy the ride

Roomie: this morning he was like "you aren't sad i'm leaving. you are sad you won't get sex tonight."ummm ok maybe that is true...i was like "look, i don't mind that you are attached to that beautiful penis so enjoy the ride."

shh baby shh

Roomie: shh baby shh

SJ: that completely creeps me out

Roomie: like 'shhh baby shhh. i'm about to murder you."

SJ: shh baby shh, dont be afraid of the sharp knife

Roomie: shhh baby shh. i just want to like your eye

SJ: Like or lick?

Roomie: crap
Roomie: damnit
Roomie: shit ballls fuck
Roomie: and tits on top
Roomie: i meant lick obviously

SJ: calm down. i know. hahaha

Roomie: that felt REALLY good to type all that! i think i might give myself teurettes...no WONDER they don't control themselves

Gingerbread house making party

Roomie: Do they sell premade houses somewhere? I MIGHT be able to make a batch of back yard accessories on Friday or Saturday before the party but I"m fairly certain i won't be able to make an entire house (I would make it here in SF before I fly out but I don't think it would last on the plane. mostly because i would eat it.)

Hostess: Yes at King Soopers you can buy the kit for 9.99. Thats what I am going to do. They have houses or trains.

Guest 1:I might need some instruction on making the house...

Roomie: I"m just going to make a train and then sprinkle house bits around and pretend there was a tragic christmas accident.Your house can live on the same street as mine if it gets too hard to assemble.

Hostess: WOW! Its super esy guys. 5 years olds can do it for real!!! LMAO

Roomie: yeah 5 year olds with some serious parental guidance. are your parents going to be there to help us hmmm?

Hostess: yep...with wine in hand

Guest 1: So... should I buy a box of grahm crackers???

Roomie: yeah. and maybe some fake blood. I bet we can get it on discount since halloween just ended. (btw even if we don't use them, i really like to eat graham crackers because most are vegan. well. except for the bees. but i hate bees and don't mind exploiting them for their delicious honey. take THAT bees!)

damn you autocorrect!

AUS: I'm very glad you are flying to australia to visit your boyfriend whom you only knew for two weeks before he left.

Lily: Woah there buddy. Boyfriend? You have just given yourself a huge promotion from 'Casual acquaintance".

AUS: Oh man. that was a typo! I meant to say boy toy.

Lily: Too late. you have already been promoted. You can't take that back. Bummers for you.

expensive ass

Roomie: btw. my darling husband is a no show today. for that, i wish him jock itch

SJ: darling husband has a life. he cant tie himself to chat.

Roomie: darling husband should have woken up early to say hello if he had other plans at this hour

SJ: ok. possessive much?

Roomie: i'm a model. i have like a BILLION other options.

SJ: really? you went on ONE shoot

Roomie: also i'm now flying to australia alone just to see him. so i have a right to be possessive. that piece of ass is costing me 2k

SJ: seems to me that piece of ass is worth 2K. that's why you planned the damn trip in the first place

Pickle Harpoon

Roomie: other things i did today: speared a pickle with a pen (it was at the bottom of the pickle jar). raised my pen harpoon yelling "success!" right as a coworker walked into my office--was called disgusting and asked if i ever heard of a pickle fork. um..no? and even if i had, why would i have a pickle fork at work?

SJ: pickle fork = myth...and no one would bring one to work

Roomie: pen harpoon seems ingenius to me

SJ: i thought bravo when i read it

I'm sure nobody would notice

Oakland: that works - fairyland is in the park on the lake right by my house

Lily: yeah i remember running by it!

Oakland: and now we don't need to kidnap a child to get in

Lily:that is perfect. although i had one lined up.

Lily: it might have actually been a midget

Lily: tomato tomahto

The Dan Quayle of Liberal Women

Lily: ugh. just a bunch of tomatos. tomatoes. what is the plural there? my brain isn't working and both look wrong

SJ: tomatoes

Lily: sigh. i'm like the george bush of single liberal awesome women.

SJ: actually i was thinking dan quayle. remember he was at that national spelling bee and he told a kid that they spelled potato wrong? the kid spelled it right. dan quayle said it was supposed to be potatoe

lily: yeah. you are right. i'm the dan quayle of single hot liberal women

We've noticed..

SJ: wait a minute. i thought you were all pissy at him bc of some dumb pic he commented on in fb

Lily: yep. I was.

SJ: Uh huh...

Lily: i'm a moody bipolar bitch. obviously.

SJ: you think?

Lily: HEY!

SJ: You frighten even me.

Nobody likes when their relatives visit

Lily: i have KILLEr cramps today. the kind that make you want to curl up in the fetal position moaning

SJ: aunt flo is a-coming

Lily: god i hope so. otherwise its Uncle Severe Internal Injury...and that guy is a total dick

gas? or love?

SJ: we have the most bizarre chats
Sj: my stomach hurts

Lily: Unrelated?

SJ: bc im laughing so hard

Lily: oh. i thought my being in love made you ill

SJ: no, your maria act makes me ill

SJ: you're being in love is hysterical

Lily: oh shit. we are about to witness me losing all self respect.here goes.

SJ:this is fantastic

Lily: done.

Lily: i feel like i want to punch myself in my own ovaries

SJ: i wish i was friends with him so i could witness this
SJ: and say something like, "i wish i could like this 1000 times!"

Lily: seriously. i wish i was friends with myself so i could unfriend myself for being so damn uncool

--- more facebook postings go up---

SJ: oh for god's sake...you're in palo alto right? im coming up there to punch you

how does this EVEN COME UP?!

Lily: i would giggle if i were a homicidal monkey who downloaded naughty videos onto your machine while you were sleeping and was now watching you struggle with the inevitable viruses from such smut

Lily: i like him enough to overlook his physical flaws

coworker: What? he only has one leg?

Lily: more like three.

love is always lying about looks

Hubby: You always look beautiful to me!

Lily: That is a lie. A damned dirty lie.

Hubby: Well, yes. You tend to let yourself go but I still love you.

Lawyers solve problems

Lily: You will be fine. Just put a beer in your back pocket.

Chicago: Beer. That is another problem.

Lily: What is the problem with beer?!

Chicago: I had too much (beer that is) and now i'm gonna be dehydrated!

Lily: Ok. New plan. Don't stop drinking so that way you don't have time to be dehydrated.

Chicago: I knew I could count on you for good advice!

Just call me Maria.

Chicago: Are you trying to hook up with someone that is no good for you?

Lily: Probably...

Chicago: Sigh. What are we going to do with ou.

Lily: I know. I'm impossible!

Chicago: How do you solve a problem like Stephanie

Lily: My parents gave up on that a long time ago.

Girls are vulgar. Men would be shocked.

Lily: i think you just need to meet a european playboy. they fix EVERYTHING...like one carefree night. no rules. no laws. no committment. no drama. bam.

SJ: yeah but i cant understand a word they're saying. and while we're having sex its really distracting to keep having to go: "im sorry? what was that?"

Lily: uh why do they need to speak? shut up and lick.

this is why everyone needs a manager

"Dear" KFC,
It has been brought to my attention that on Monday, August 25, 2011 you appeared at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California dressed in blue jeans and a tee shirt and without benefit of a shave. The dress code at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California is "Business Casual" not "Shifty and Ghetto." The dress code for being the social escort of Roomie is "Sharp and Submissive" not "Slovenly and Pathetic." While it could be argued that covering your chubby cheeks with fur might be a marginal improvement, the actual effect gave the appearance of a rather dim-witted howler monkey with a hormonal imbalance.

It has also been brought to my attention that when you appeared on Monday, August 25, 2011 at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California in your disheveled and inappropriate condition,(By the way, do you have any conception of what appropriate is, or is your social competence on a par with your clothing selection skills?), you failed to pay for Roomie's food and beverage. Due to this egregious (Do you even know what "egregious" means? Get your mommy to help you with the big words, when you get home to her tonight.) faux pas (see previous note) Ms. Roomie will not be accompanying you on any further social occasions until she receives a Visa card in her name on your account. Please pay any charges which are placed on this card immediately, so that Ms. Roomie always has the full credit line at her disposal. Otherwise, she will be forced to go over the limit, and you will be forced to pay fees that should have been spent on her. If this occurs, please send cash to Ms. Roomie in the amount of the fees, to make restitution for your financial irresponsibility.

Ms. Roomie will be using this card to make the monthly payments on her student loans, as well. It will be your honor and privilege to relieve her of this noisome duty. In return for this, Roomie will, if convenient to her, accompany you on up to two noisome social outings per month. Don't call her, she will call you. If you call or attempt to call her, you will forfeit all social outings for two months. Roomie has located a Dogloo in the garbage room of her apartment building in case you need to stay over. Please don't bark at the rats.
As degrading as this arrangement may seem to you, remember that it is far more degrading to Roomie to even know you.

Sincerely,

Business Manager,
Roomie Enterprises

investment opportunity

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm writing to tell you about a great investment opportunity! And that investment is ME! I've decided that the thing I'm really best at in life is coincidentally what I enjoy the most. You might be wondering, what could this be? cycling? running? snowboarding? lawyering? creative writing? modeling? the list is seemingly endless but my REAL skills lie in being pampered and not having to work. Yes, I"m talking about marrying a wealthy man and never lifting a finger again. I truly believe this is my calling in life.

Now, you guys did a great job in training me how to assimilate into the wealthy social class I strive to belong to. I learned quite a bit about country clubs and snobbery at St. Anne's. I know that I rebelled for a while but that was just a phase. I've come to my senses and i'm ready to marry rich. And good news! I"ve met someone.

Technically it was a business dinner but I was reading the signs (as well as the time from his Cartier watch) and feel that he is just as interested in my looks as i am in his money. This, my dear parents, is a match made in heaven. In fact, this handsome european businessman has said that i should come visit his vacation home in St. Tropez because that is the social circle I should be spending my time in. Now, from my extensive field research, i know that men don't want to feel like you are using them for their money and they value strong independent woman (at least in the beginning) so I very wisely did not insist that he pay for my plane ticket. Which brings us to the amazing investment opportunity!

I feel it would benefit all of us if I went to St. Tropez to find a rich husband. Now, this may not seem like you will get anything out of this if you choose to be my financial backer, but I assure you I would repay your kindness with interest (you know that Jag you've always wanted Dad? and Mom, what about a week in Paris shopping and going to the spa?). It was painfully obvious at this dinner that I would fit in perfectly in St. Tropez (did you know American rapper P. Diddy also has a home there?!) and am confident I would have a husband within the year.

Summer is almost over and so I would need to go to St. Tropez no later than Labor Day. I understand if you cannot buy me a ticket before then. That is why i'm proposing two other excellent investment opportunities! You can also send me to Istanbul for a European Sales Meeting. OR help pay for me to spend Christmas in Europe (with New Years, naturally, in Monaco as is expected of someone of my social status).

Let me know what dates will work for you! I look forward to our future financial partnership!

Love you!

Lily

REPLY:
There is more to life than money, darling. To make sure you are doing the right thing, your mother is on her way to St. Tropez to check it out firsthand. If it is all that you say it is, I will send for you immediately.

Love always,
Mom

Ok so there are a few things optimus can't do...

FB Post: So the autobots are amazing. They save the human race, they save freedom but most importantly, they save Ammurreca. Is there anything they can't do?

Comment 1: Feel emotions

Comment 2: fly

Comment 3: I hear they aren't good spellers

Comment 4: Fix the debt ceiling.

LEEEERRRRROOOOOYYYY Jenkins!

FB post: Who is Manuel Jenkins?

Comment 1: Leroy's brother?

Dear ATT...

Jacey: i've lost reception. allegedly i have "some" reception but it won't let me dial out. in other news, if there was an axe murderer trying to get in, i would die because i couldn't call 911.

Hello? Angel?

Lily: I clearly killed off the angel on myshoulder. I would say the devil is still there but I'm pretty sure myideas are worse than any little devil would come up with so the bigman downstairs probably recalled my little devil and reassigned him to someone who had morals.

totally different than stalking

Lily: Fact: I just ate lots of pineapple because i'm planning a one night stand with a coworker tonight. he does not know.

Lily: correction: he does not know me

Delicious

Lily is walking down the street

Random man: Delicious

Lily (irate): EXCUSE ME?

(sees man and woman eating pastry...)

Lily: Oh. sorry. i thought you were talking to me.

POWMIA

Crazy 3.0: Sniff. Sniff. I just want you to know i'll be more than MIA lately.

Lily: POW?

Relationships are like banks

Lily: She was complaining about her life but she had been avoiding my calls ALL last week when I wanted to talk and now she is having some sort of crisis and of course i'm the first person she went to. She has stopped going to work. She is so upset over what happened that she has stopped eating and has been vommitting from crying so hard.

Lily: So I told her "You get out of a relationship what you put in it. You put nothing into our relationship so you're not going to get anything out. I"ve been dealing with a lot of things lately and don't really feel like talking."

Jacey: Wait. what are you dealing with lately?!

Lily: Nothing. Does that make me a bad person? She DID avoid me when I needed someone to talk to...

relationship geniuses advising each other

friend: (after recounting "date" for roomie) so i asked what time he'd be home tonight, he said 10 but he has to get up early, and i said "i have to get up early too..." he said he'd call tonight. i imagine he won't.

roomie: practically engaged! you should make other plans! then if he calls say "i'm so sorry. i went out with my pals and it went later than i thought. i'll try to call tomorrow though if i'm around."

friend: but that means no sexy time. so we'd both lose out...

roomie: right, but you have to win the game. that way you get sexy time when you want, not just when he wants.

friend: i'm bad at the game. i like sexy time too much.

roomie: me too. sluts of a feather.

signs you might have a problem...

friend: did you know some people make mimosas w 2/3 oj 1/3 champers? i made them and coworker was like "wow! lots of champagne!" and i said "well i went halfsies thinking i'd made them weak..."

roomie: yea, i prefer a splash of oj.

team dinner

Lily: Don't forget, the post season team dinner is in Napa this year (well it should be anyway). Katie and I found a great castle there that conveniently also has weddings. If you all are flying all the way out here for dinner the least I can do is get married. I'd need like 2 months notice though so i could find a groom....

Hotel Bars = escort lounges

San Diego: Yeah, this is definitely a prostitution place...

Roomie: Yeah. I love it!

San Diego: Me too! I'm not the only whore here!

roomie: Me too! I mean, chances are i'm the least diseased woman here. AND chances are i'm one of the only actual women here!

it was really a traumatic date

Lilly: and he spent the night so he could hold me all night. bitch. i need my effing space. sexy time and then leave-ey time.

San Diego: wow he sounds like a keeper! better dump him now!

San Diego: he has the fuckin nerve to cuddle you all night. didn't he see the sign? "thanks for dinner. leave bitch"

San Diego: this guy took me on a date the other night. went to a bar after a movie. he had to go home cuz he worked the next day. and he offered to walk me home. i said "naaaaah i'll stay here and drink some more."

Lilly: he held me to his sweaty hairy chest all night in some kung fu death grip. i couldn't roll over.

Lilly: i couldn't move

Lilly: he snored in my ear

Lilly: and when i tried to wiggle free, he'd wake up. it was a nightmare!

Lilly: BUT he is a great guy and super nice. so i don't want to dump him. i just dont want to ever have to spend the whole night together

Isn't that how you spend Thursday?

Vegas: God face book is soooooo boring this time of night!! Dont you guys know i need this to entertain me right now!!

Lilly: Sorry! I was too busy doing blow off a hookers ass at a hot tub party at a closeted politicians house! Otherwise I would have totally been facebooking for you!!!

Vegas: Seeeeeee now THAT is what i need at that time of night!

you have some SERIOUS intimacy issues

Lilly: he doesn't just stay the night, he wraps me up in a fucking kung fu death grip. I can't roll. I can't do anything. HIs head is resting on my cheek. he is SNORING. Also he smells like his food. Oh yeah and it is hot as fuck and he is a little chunky so he is sweating like a brazillian whore in the summertime. W.T.F.??? I tried to wriggle out and everytime, he would wake up, start kissing my kneck and rubbing my arm. and i was like "ohhh no. we are NOT doing that again. i'll pretend to sleep if i have to."

Lilly: I was like "i like you. but i need space. like every night type of space. cuddling is great when you aren't a sweaty beast and smell like some fancy vegan food. I can't sleep in one position pressed into your unwaxed chest. AHHH" (<--Obviously i didn't say any of that....)

Some people are just meant to be in relationships. And then there is me.

Roomie: Date = Success. Therefore I'm panicking and no longer want to be in a relationship.

Friend: Fart.

Friend: In his presence.

Roomie:I farted loudly. I"m doing everything wrong and he is still smitten.

Friend: Maybe start texting a lot? Talk about marriage and children? Or inheritance, I once used that with much successs to scare a guy off.

Roomie: I brought up babies. He won't scare! He is super nice but wtf is he doing with me? I'm gonna have to up my game. Its time for a love fern.

Friend: He has got to have a dark secret. He can't be that nice.

Roomie: He used to grow pot but that hardly is enough to be a "dark secret"

Friend: Yeah, that is like saying he picks his nose a little bit in the morning.

danger zone!

friend discusses inappropriate relationships with another friend (half squat)...

friend: we're on the highway to the danger zone.

friend: make that the autobahn to the danger zone.

half squat: hahaha, sesly. my situation has evolved into a by candlelight situation, not an in the elevator situation. my boss told me he loves me. but i didn't interpret it as an "i wanna be on you" profession.

friend: maybe it's an "i wanna be on you until death or another woman do us part" profession.

All life's decisions can be made from song lyrics

Friend: I need to reread the art of war and have that be my relationship guide. Or is that fucked up?

Roomie: that isn't fucked up at all. there is a reason they say all is fair in love and war. because love is a battlefield.

Friend: And I intend to be a shot caller in the battlefield of love.

Roomie: I'll give you a ride. I just got 20" blades on my Impala.

Friend: You are such a baller!

sympathy 101

after roomie describes awful injury to face...

friend: how does this shit happen to us???

roomie: i don't know. oh and my entire toenail then fell off. the whole thing in one chunk.

friend: u r gross

friend: sorry a 15 year old girl stole my phone.

apparently maturity does not come with age...

friend (2:14am, sober): feelings are horrible!!!! fuck!!!

roomie (9:10 am, possibly sober): feelings ARE horrible. lol. fuck feelings. i'm having an emotional lobotomy as soon as possible.

friend: i want that!

tw revisited

friend: you're having fun?

roomie: yea! except i can't get to the finish today bc i don't have credentials. so i am either going to have to walk 5 miles uphill OR talk my way onto a VIP bus.

friend: show your thighs. they'll know.

limitless hotness

friend: if the hottest cyclist there shat himself in your presence, like bull blown explosive diarrhead himself, would you still find him hot?

roomie: yes.

roomie: i'd offer to wipe.

friend: what if some of it got on your face?

roomie: i'd say he owed me a giant engagement ring.

friend: what if he shat himself while passenging in your car?

roomie: i'd say he needed buy me a new car.

roomie: there is literally nothing he could do, except maybe if he shat himself while screwing another man.

Hunger games + Drinking = Hypothetical Ass

Friend: Whore. It will assign you to a district. I"m district 2, because I"m a winner.

Roomie: Psh. I"ll be the nucelar district so I can surprise rejoin and fucking nuke all dem bitches.

---10 minutes later---

Roomie: You bitches thought I was dead. But I wasn't dead. I was hiding underground stockpiling nuclear weapons and now you ALL are gonna pay. Big mistake letting me live. Huge.
----
Roomie: So suck it capitol! "IT" being my enormous cock which was in no way diminished by my long term exposure to radiation.
---
Roomie: Unrelated to my enormous unradiated hypothetical cock...I"m trying to buy nonvegan food drunk.

Hypothetically an ass

Roomie: also, in reviewing my texts from last night, i'm a hypothetical asshole/tyrant...

Friend: also, apparently you have a hypothetical nuclear penis.

Half Blanche. Half sophia. Wholly awesome.

Friend: Whatever. I'm just a hideous pos and am going to die miserable and alone. nbd.

Roomie: I"ll be alone with you!

Friend: Can I at least be Blanche? You can be Sophia.

Roomie: Can we split each one halvsies? Since you are sad you can have Blanche for now I guess.

Friend: We can go halvsies. We are both half sophia and half blanche

Roomie: We are good, caring, compromising sluts.

Friend: True, it's amazing we're single.

Celebrity life coaches

Roomie: Mel Gibson is a crazy bitch

Friend: For real. But he's so good in certain movies. like Patriot, signs, lethal weapon.

Roomie: But then he went crazy.

Friend: Right. I'm going to choose to believe he died.

Roomie: Speaking of crazy, Lilo is a mess and I think it is time she plays the evil twin card - you know the twin from parent trap.

Friend: Yes! That would be fucking amazing! She should pull a Britbrit and rando bust out an accent. Eliza dolittle. That would be legit.

Roomie: She can blame all this on the twin. Say they never should have sent her to boarding school in England, and then cry about her drug addict sister ruining her life. BAM. Instant career rehabilitation.

Friend: OR commitment. Either way, it's an improvement.

a new team motto

after friend recaps date and declares self kind of slutty...

roomie: i do that on all my dates

friend: well, sluts of a feather flock together.

you are never too old to have a nanny

Roomie: you get to go on all my vacays when i'm a rich ass grown child who is incapable of going on vacation without a nanny and isn't nice enough for people to want to pay their own way to vacation with me DC: PROMISE?!