FML!!!

Friend:  i just looked at a job where one of the requirements actually says, "ability to read" and upon further examination i'm not qualified.  fml

Is that a baby bump??

Roomie 1: I have been standing in the mirror for 10 minutes thinking I look prego

 
Friend: I bet you don't.
Roomie 1:  If I were a celeb the tabloids would be speculating about a baby bump.I did however purchase spf 70 for my face for bike riding
Friend:  well good. then they won't speculate that you've been lying about your age too.

that doesn't sound so bad

Friend:  i feel like sort of a bad person....

  like, i might actually be going to hell.i've always known it to some degree, but this is bad...

 
Roomie 1: I love that we are complete opposites and I get along better with you than anyone.  And you shouldn't think you are going to hell for it. Obviously people agree with you.
Friend: Um, that just means other people are going too...
Roomie 1: At least you get to spend eternity with people who share your point of view.

those people aren't creative anyway

Roomie 1: I am at a gay bbq

 Friend: earlier tonight i thought it might be a good idea to volunteer to help the planning committee for this summer's pridefest in milwaukee.

  but then i was worried there might be lesbians on the committee.  i only like the gays.

now THAT is logical

Friend's Dad:  oh, you want to marry your brother, little frank? (Frank is a dog, as his his little brother)  you know gay marriage is allowed in vermont.  would you like us to go to vermont, frankie? You know, even though gay marriage is allowed, gay incestuous marriage is still illegal, little guy.  But... you could probably make a solid argument that because you can't produce offspring together maybe they could make an incest exception for gay marriages."