round 1: criminal law

friend: uh, the deputy standing on the other side of the door to my courtroom just checked to make sure the door is locked and unhooked the latch that holds his gun in its holster. he's drumming his fingers and in the ready stance.

roomie: maybe now is a good time for a bathroom break.

a minute later.

friend: done, and now there are 8 deputies in my courtroom. homicide sentencing.

roomie: nothing exciting like that ever happens in corporate law.

britney murphy is dead

jacey calls brother to discuss their christmas gift for dad.

brother: britney murphy is dead. i just threw up.

jacey: liar.

brother: no really, i just threw up.

jacey: was it a drug overdose? if you threw up it was not britney murphy related. how was last night?

brother: they didn't say. you're right, they were unrelated. it was awesome.

Best. Wedding. EVER

Friend: I had a dream about you and Hot Guy...you were getting married...to Hot Guy...and i was like "wait, but roomie... he's gay and NOT your boyfriend/fiancee/husband....!" and you said, "he's not really gay, he just says that..."

Friend: and i woke up like, "wait, is Friend marrying her gay sometimes best friend?"

Roomie: well i promise if i ever say i'm marrying him you can kidnap me and/or ruin the wedding

Friend: i apologize right now for the fact that if you marry him i will absolutely stand up with a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't marry him when the priest asks people if they want to hold their peace.

Roomie: I would expect nothing less from you - marrying him would be the dumbest thing i've ever done

Friend: and it won't matter if you don't invite me, i'll find out.

Friend: and i'll show up.

Friend: even if there are bouncers, i'll take them out.

Roomie: i'd have to invite you. you are supposed to be maid of honor lol. i'd be like "let the shit show begin!"

Friend: "Friend, i luh him." "STFU! i will punch you in the ovaries. DON"T MAKE ME WATERBOARD YOU!!!"

Friend: splash. "what are we doing today?!!!" "i'm marrying hot gu---" SPLASH "help help! stop! pleas-glub glub glub--plea--glub glub, SPLASH!!--i hate him! i hate him!" "WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?!!!" "i'm marryin--SPLASH!! glub glub glub" "WHAT RE WE DOING TODAY!!!????" "silence..." "Roomie? Roomie??!!??!! oh shit... Mr Attorney? hey, it's Friend, yes, i know you're engaged... i have a problem... i need you to help me hide a body..."

talk about akward turtle

Roomie: Does your dad write jingles for a living?

Kfed: (Confused)...my dad is dead. Why?

Roomie: Uh..I was trying to figure out if you were the hugh grant character from About a Boy...Sorry...

They have bars for THOSE people?

Nurse: Had a great time with friends in sac last night

Roomie: What the deuce! I was in sac last night...(but only for like 2 hours before I headed to the city)

Nurse: lol you are always zipping back and forth between the two!

Roomie: I know. I am just SO in demand! Its getting hard juggling a social life in 2 different cities. Lol. Jk. Glad you had a good time!!

Nurse: thanx! ur always zipping around visiting all the gays!

Roomie: Lol omg don't tell my parents ok??? They don't know I only have gay friends...I actually hung out with STRAIGHT people in sf. It was so weird. Do you know there are bars for THOSE people? With no dancing. And lots of popped collars...

Nurse: lmao!!!! that's funny! straight people (not including you) are so boring right!

Best friend Request ever!

Facebook: "Roomie, Mr. X added you as a friend"

Facebook Friend Request Message from Mr. X: "Oh my god...I'm back...don't ever leave me again...I just remembered to check my old email for you last name...lol BABY!"

(Mr. X is a name I don't know...but after that message, how could I not add him??? btw he did turn out to be a friend of mine - I just knew him by another (fake) name.)

hmmm...should I file this under drunk texting?

Friend: (text 1 - 5:02:21 PM): Baka laka Daka

Friend: (text 2 - 5:02:39 PM): Sitka Dirka

Friend: (text 3 - 5:02:54 PM): Booooooiooooooioze.

One man's garbage...

Kfed: Want to see my car! Its awesome!

Roomie: Uh, sure!

(go into garage - see a chevy...)

Kfed: Its a limited edition Dale Earnheardt! There are only 4000 of them made!!

Roomie: Wow! And you havet he only one north of the Mason Dixon line! Congrats!

Kfed: (blink,blink, pause)...Thanks!