just call the cable company already!

Roomie 1: I mean, i don't NEED tv.  People lived before it was invented.  I think...not positive...I think they also, you know, had brothels or something to pass the time...but whateva...

Tis the Reason for the Season

Roomie 2: I'd like to make a reservation for 3 for Christmas day.

Humorless Server Guy: Ok. Will you be celebrating anything special...besides Christmas?

Roomie 2: Nope. Just the birth of Jesus...

Roomie 2's Dad: (cracking up in background)

Humorless Server Guy: ...Ok. Um, we'll see you at 7:15 then...

new treatment for coma patients

Roomie 1: Just saw my aunt.  She is not yet coherent. I told her I was going to put a hat on her and take pictures

Hot Guy: Shake her a bit. That always helps babies anyway.

I knew I was the glue that held the world together

Roomie 1: How is sac doing without me? Is the city able to function?

Hot Guy: Not very well.  Crime is rampant right now.  Its a mess! you NEED TO COME HOME!

are soft moist lips too much to ask for?

Friend: um, i die. i just read your little message about yourself under your picture. loves. so i'm havinga situation in which my lips are chapped and it's unacceptable. you're familiar with how much chapstick i use. and based on 5 minutes of internet research, i've confirmed that that fiberglass thing is a hoax. so anyways, my lips are effing chapped and i'm using chapstick all the time. this is unacceptable

That heroes guy is such a sneaky person

Later in the night...more drunk texting...

Roomie 1: I think the Asian guy from heroes roofied me...

Hot Guy: Oh no! Don't do him.  He'll time warp you.

Roomie 1:  FUCK! Time warp my ass!

drunk awesome texting

Hot Guy: Hiii

Roomie 1: How are you? I'm drinking with nerds!

Hot guy: The candy?

Roomie 1: What candy?  I'm with a bunch of people at a geology convention!  I mentioned nude sinbathing with a monkey and they fled!

you are such a cute little STD

Roomie 1 posts a picture of herself

FB Friend: Oh you look adorable! Love the elf like boots!

Hot Guy: Your legs look skinny and cold!

Friend: um, i feel that the hoodie dress is under that... am i right! i'm so right. also, i hope you're wearing the pant leggings i gave you and not the tights leggings, pant leggings are warmer. finally, you should really clarify that you own that hat... it's not borrowed. and if those are the matching gloves, those are yours too. just saying.

Roomie 1: Ok yes the gay and gloves are mine and I LOVE them. And those are actually my nike thermal running pants.

Hot Guy: Sephie - read that quote again. I don't see a gay in the nike picture...

Roomie 1: Damn auto texting! I meant the hat not the gay. And you should check the spelling of my name unless that is my new nic name...

Hot Guy: Would you prefer that I spell it with a "y" instead?

Roomie 1: I was thinking a "t" would help. Otherwise I sound like a cute name for an STD

Hot Guy: Meh

Roomie 1: Haha. Well I like you enough to let you change my name if there are too many letters to bother with

Friend: maybe we should start calling you syphie. and tell people you went crazy from undiagnosed syph. just a thought.

may she rest in peace

Roomie 1: The only thing that would comfort me at the time of her death would be the massive amounts of money that she is supposedly leaving me.

Friend: You are going straight to hell. I mean, there is a throne waiting for you there and a welcome back sign...

Roomie 1: Yeah, I definitely am on the VIP elevator.

farts

Roomie 1: My farts have been super rancid today...it is foul...i mean, i think a hamster died in my ass last night!

Facebook Status Update!

Roomie 1: "Roomie 1 is very sad to realize that almost all her cycling gear is ruined :("

Hot Guy: You can borrow my mittens...

Roomie 1: Thanks boo...

Random highschool friend: What happened?

Roomie 1: a combination between rogue velcro ripping a hole in all my shorts (yeah, i am oblivious and didn't notice it while it was happening) and a rogue cat which pissed all over my gear bag thus soaking all my jerseys and shorts in a foul stench which i cannot get out

Random highschool friend: Oh crap! Sorry girl, that sucks.

Hot Guy: I think that you're both overlooking the fact that Roomie 1 now has mittens to wear! Sheesh!

Roomie 1: true! So although i'll be showing my bare ass to the world, i'll at least have a sports bra and some mittens to keep my important parts warm...

Random Highschool friend: True, true... mittens will solve all.

Roomie 1: and Hot Guy, if you need to borrow my pee soaked spandex shirts, i'm happy to share those with you too...somehow it doesn't seem like as good of an offer as mittens

Hot Guy: thanks! just stand upwind and all will be great.

Sister: wow-- sry about ur jerseys but this whole status convo was kinda funny!

Wait...Miley Cyrus is HARRY POTTER???

Friend Dad: I hear in the last book, she turns into a real whore.

Friend: Who??

Friend Dad: That....that Miley!

Friend: Um....She is not in any of the harry potter movies...

Dear Santa

Letter from Friend (as a child) to Santa

Dear Santa,

I admit that I have not been good this year.  However, there are still things that I want. ...

-Sincerely Bad Bad (and insert friend's FULL OFFICIAL name here which i will not list due to the anonymity of this blog)

New diet plan

Roomie 1: I tried to only buy things that I don't like eating

Cashier: That doesn't make any sense at all.

Roomie 1: It is actually ingenius...if I buy the food i enjoy eating, i'll just eat all of it...this way I won't have that problem.

wills and trusts

Future President: I think if I were a lawyer i'd go into wills and estate planning

Roomie 1: The problem is that it isn't the most lucrative area...i mean the average person doesn't need a lawyer for their will/estate.  Most of it is going to go to whomever they would give it to even if they don't have a will...

Future President:  you are saying i don't need a will?

Roomie 1: I'm saying that unless you have highly valuable assets or want items to go to specific people - especially unrelated people, you don't need one...

Future President: I think you vastly underestimate the value of my porn collection.

Roomie 1: And to whom, exactly, are you going to will that to? The boys and girls club of america?

Stop Drop and Roll!

While searching through old emails/chats, Roomie 1 found some interesting conversations which just had to be posted on this site...they were too good to ignore.

Friend: fyi. your job friday may be to prevent me from pushing Overachiever onto the grill.

Roomie 1: Ok. I"ll be designated "hold me back" girl.

Friend: I'm so tempted to call him and be like "bring me back your orange shirt. Don't bother showing up on thursday or friday."

Roomie 1: If you do that, he will just talk shit about you.

Friend:  What if I kick him in the balls by accident? Like I feel like i'm falling and I accidently swing my leg up like oops! Balls!  Would that be wrong?

Roomie 1: No, I can't see anything wrong with that.

Friend: Or, oops! I bumped into you and happened to knock you into a grill filled with hot coals! oh my god! I'm so sorry! I fell!

Roomie 1: I could totally drop something in front of you for you to trip on.

Friend: YES!

Roomie 1: Oh my god! Friend are you okay?!?? I'm so sorry! I ACCIDENTALLY dropped that try of hotdogs right in front of you.  Oh, f@*!, Overachiever! What happened?

Friend: Yeah I'm okay Roomie 1.  I think I skinned my palms though...oh, Overachiever...you are actually on fire! Thats not good! Stop drop and roll!

Speaking About a Co-worker

Background: Co-worker from down the hallway makes horrible nasally scream/wail sound

Roomie 2: Blankety-blank is a fucking mutant

Hot Guy: Ugh. He's too gay to function.

at least you remember me!

Creeper: Hey! I remember you now. You are the pretty girl I took to the foundation room...

Roomie 1: Yeah. That was me.

Creeper: You texted your friend because you thought I was going to kill you...

Roomie 1: Yeah. Thanks for not burying me in the desert!

You NUN!

Roomie 1: She is a really good friend...except she wouldn't sleep with someone to help me get a job or even to get me out of jail...

Gay-be: What?? I'd totally do that for a friend.

Roomie 1: I KNOW! Thank you! Me too!  I"m all about taking one for the team.

Gay-be: That whore.

Roomie 1: Yeah...except, you know, not a whore...

Gay-be: That NUN! 

New way to pass time

Hot guy: let's piss on it together...i'll hold you upright

Maybe this is why they don't hire you...

Roomie 1: Meh. Showering is for people with jobs.

Death by stupidity

Roomie 1: i am SO cold...SO SO COLD....jjjjjjaaacckk...that cold

Roomie 2: that is pretty cold...why don't you turn on the heater?

Roomie 1: i thought i did...but it is still cold

...

Roomie 1: when they find my corpsicle, you can show them this IM chat and they will write "COD - complete moron who couldn't operate the heating system"

And that is for leaning too close to my chair...

Friend: i also just considered farting at my cousin...Like genuinely thought, "should i lean tot he side and fart towards his head since he's leaning down by the dog behind my chair?"

New title to this blog

Friend: incidentally, i feel the blog should be changed to "stupid stuff my unemployed friend and i say to each other across the 2000 mile abyss that so wrongly separates us"

fighting fair

Friend: um, while bickering with a 13 year old i put my fingers in my ears and went "LALALALA  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! LA LA LA LA!!! NOBODY CARES WHAT YOURE SAYING!!!"

that, my friend, is how we roll in fairy tale land.

New Career Path

Roomie 1: I will apply to ICE (immigration cop) if you do...although I'd be the WORST ice cop EVER!  I'd be like "run forest, run!" as I trip my partner...

Friend: Haha. you'd be like, "look, I know you meant well pedro, so just just run!!!"

Roomie 1: Vamanos! Andale!  

Friend: And then I'd be like "look, jefe, if you don't habla my lingidy, that is not my fault, but if you try to vamanos, I will shoot you in the head."

Super Secret Double Back Way

Roomie 1: Let me show you a shortcut. I mean, we might get lost, but you might be like, "Whoa!"

Best Job Offer Ever!

Friend: So it is not like they are saying "Applicant! genius, beauty, please please please come work for us! We will pay you whatever you want. PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE come work for us! Let us bask in your wisdom, wit and stunning good looks! PLLLLLLLEEEAAASSSEE!!!!!!!!

Roomie 1: OK, if I'm ever a hiring partner, I'm SO sending that to a candidate. Best reply EVER!

Why are you sending me this?

Friend: So I clicked on an email link to myspace and i'm not totally sure if it was a thing to get into my account and send out porn. If I send you porn will you call me and warn me?

Revisiting the jello bath

Roomie 1: The more I read your comment about jello, the more I want to take a bath in jello. Lots of squishy jello (but with a bathing suit on so I don't get jello in my lady parts which would be gross)

Friend: Seriously, jello. Also, i'm totally with you on the suit for lady part protection.

Those are definitely crazy pills

Roomie 1: Fuck...Great...I'm a crazy f-ing bitch now...and also very paranoid...I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!...also someone has been sneaking into my room and leaving half drunk cans of soda. I've found 3 now. And I gave up soda a month ago and there hasn't been any in the house since then...I've lost my f-ing mind!...I swear to god. I'm a crazy person now. Sorry, I'm totally losing my mind as we speak...Ok I'm betterish. I'm going to go grocery shopping...I'm a hot hot mess but I'm going grocery shopping now.

you two need jobs. seriously. wtf.

Friend: F that. Mature land is gay. Come to fairytale land.

Roomie 1: Yeah, I think it is time I moved to fairytale land.

Friend: Agreed.

Friend: My butt is sore from my run yesterday. Or i slept funny.
...
Roomie 1: How far did you run?

Friend: 3 miles...and i was feeling really badly about myself and i felt like i had chimpanzees holding onto my legs while I tried to run.

Roomie 1: haha chimpanzees

Friend: dude, for real.

What are your plans this weekend?

Roomie 1: Maybe I'll sleep with him this weekend.

Friend: Do it.

Roomie 1: I have to get him hooked so he will get us into that show

Friend: Then you get all the benefits of him being your boyfriend. sexy time!

Roomie 1: Also, i might ask for 20 bucks after we have sex.

memo to graduating law students

Friend: Um, was there a memo at the end of lawschool that you and I just didn't get explaining how all friendships would just cease?

Roomie 1: I think it came with the job offers we didn't receive.

what body issues?

Friend: I sort of want to try a corset to see how small I could make my waist, but i'm afraid I'd get too enthusiastic and I'd crack a rib trying to make it smaller....And then when I was excited about my rib being out of the way to make me skinnier I think the doctor would allege I had body image issues and he'd have to die and then I'd be in trouble AND have a cracked rib.

Roomie 1: I totally wanted to have my last two ribs removed so I'd be thinner. We are so the same.

Friend: I love us.

thanks for ruining my schedule fox tv

Friend: [Bones won't be on] until Nov. 5. Effin Bullshi**

Roomie 1: F that Sh**. I'm going to be homeless by then. goddammit...I'm going to have to watch it through someone's window.

things to say in the AM

Roomie 1: Wow. Drunk. Sorry.

naked hugs

Roomie 1: we are like two pieces of a very sexy puzzle

peanut butter diet

Roomie 1: See, i'm not actually losing any weight because however many calories i burn while biking, i end up eating later that day! Like, "Awesome! I just burned 2500 calories! I can eat 5 boxes of donuts! yes!"

Roomie 2 Dad: You are a vegan. What can you eat to get that many calories?

Roomie 1: Rice cakes with peanut butter, apples with peanut butter, big spoons of peanut butter...dip the knife in peanut butter and then roll it in cereal...

Roomie 2: Fried peanut butter, peanut butter on toast, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter smoothies...

i think you are an overeater

Friend: I did the three mile run. then came home and ate cake. and tonight i had some fruit tart.

Roomie 1: MmM. I ate like 1500 calories and then had to go for a bike ride because it was only 11 am. I came home intent not to eat anymore but then i had a burrito. and cereal. and soy ice cream. I'm a fat fucking cow.

Friend: together with me! yay! When I get kicked out of Mr. Attorney's for being too fat maybe we can sit around together eating!

Roomie 1: YES!

yes, it is weird

Friend: is it weird that I want to have my knee and lower thigh encapsulated in cold jello while sitting in a zero gravity chair? And I'd like to have boots on. Or maybe my feet in a paraffin dip.

sexy bones

guy on facebook: take back the cupcake comment and i'll go back to worshipping your collar bones.

well that changes everything

Guy on facebook: But I tazed you with love...

when you can't get them to love you, roofie them!

Sister: How is kbear and you going?

Roomie 1: kbear and I are good friends. He is one of my fave people here (duh).

Sister: yeah, i know you are good friends. I MEANT have you made him fall in love with you yet?

Roomie 1: OH. No. Shockingly, he hasn't fallen in love with me yet. I clearly have a huge flaw that I've overlooked all these years. I'm going to roofie him next time though so i'll let you know how that works out.

but it isn't my birthday!

Roomie 1: Hey dad's birthday is next week right? I think it is but i'm really paranoid about being the retarded kid who sends a birthday card when it isn't actually someone's birthday.

pretty? or smart?

Guy: women are either pretty or smart. but never both.

Roomie 1: With the exception of me, of course.

Guy: Uh...what?

Roomie 1: Well, I mean, I have a law degree so i'm guessing i'm smart...

guy: Yeah...

roomie 1: So that means i'm not hot???

Guy: I didn't say that!

Roomie 1: But you said I could either be pretty or smart but not both...

Guy: Yes...

Roomie 1: *sigh*. Ok. I'm smart. damnit.

you have cable? lets get married

Friend: in other news, i may have invited myself to move in with Mr. Attorney after he told me that he installed an awesome sound system to go along with his home theater. All he needs is a pool and i'm filing domestic partnership papers.

fat guy in a little suit

Friend: I love how i'm sending my friend sara a message that i need to lose 500 pounds while i sit on the couch eating cake and being mad at the tv because it isn't working. And yes, I went to the store and bought a slice of cake after looking at the scale this morning and thinking "fat guy in a little coat!"

self esteem boosters

(the Roomies dressed up like princesses and rode their bikes in an effort to raise awareness about...um...women's biking and to encourage more women to bike...)

Roomies pass a group of men on the bike trail...

Roomie 2: Haha. You just got passed by a little girl in a tutu.

No love in wisconsin

Friend: where's the damn wooing in wisco?!!

need a partner?

roomie 1: Why do people always go into business with people they are afraid will kill them if they rat them out? I will only do business with people i can rat out.

celebrity role models

Roomie 1: So anytime I want a drink in the next few months, just show me that picture of Amy [winehouse].  I mean, she is skinny, which is awesome...but she looks like hell!  I'd rather be plump and hot.

I miss you like...

Friend: I miss you like a fat kid recently diagnosed with diabetes misses ho hos.

Roomie 1: Aww.  And I miss you like a cheap hooker misses the 90% cut her jon takes.

everyone loves a good wedding!

Friend: I was like "p.s. nobody wants to see that many pictures of your wedding.  Get over yourself."

Roomie 1: Get your cheap ass walmart wedding photos out of my couture loving face bitch before I vomit on them.

dead inside

Roomie 1: See how mean I am now that I don't get to see you every day?  I'm all bitter inside.

Friend: Too bad I'm not there to help you dance it out.

Or morning music would work

Roomie 1: aint nutin better than petron and a good f*&k

nice pants

Dude: I've had enough...no more drinking...

Roomie 1:  Don't worry.  I'll hold your hair if you puke...

Dude:  Just make sure I don't puke on my new jeans...

Roomie 1:  Haha. Ok I"ll be sure to take those off first.  I'd better take your shirt off too because you don't want to puke on that either.

ESL

Setting - Ordering at a Thai restaurant

Friend: I want that (points at food item in menu)

Waitress: The eggrolls? Ok

Roomie 1 and 2 giggling.

Friend: What?

Roomie 1: Eegg-g r-o-ll. Was that too difficult?

Hint Hint.

Boy: (red eyed and pupils dialated, in out personal space, looking about 22) "How old are you?"

Roomie 1: 31 (the truth, hopefully scary to drunk boy)

Boy: Really, you look like your 22. What about you?

Roomie 2: 32. (a lie)

Roomie 1: I know. It's amazing how well we age.

Boy: So are you guys in college?

Roomie 2: (Laughing mockingly) "No, were much too old for college."

Roomie 1: Yeah, we just graduated law school. (trying to be intimidating and unapproachability)

Boy: (undeterred) So do you have boyfriends?

Roomie 2: Yes, we both do. It's very serious. They're on their way, in fact.

Roomie 1: yes. (Pretends to get text from imaginary boyfriend.) Hey, he's parking now.

Boy to Rommie 2: She seems to be trying to avoid me. Do you really have boyfriends or are you just trying to blow me off?

Roomie 1: (thinking to herself) either way, pal, this doesn't look good for you.

Roomie 2: We wouldn't lie. We really have boyfriends. They should have been here an hour ago.

Boy: You deserve to be treated better than that...(stumbles forward)...I would never leave you alone at a bar.

Roomie 2: Yeah. well. They are douchey boyfriends but we really really love them. they buy us things.

Boy: oh.

Roomie 1: Ok we are going to get a drink. Bye.

Boy. (sad face) (stumble) bye

office politics

Roomie 2: Every one is here and we are talking about retard kids.  awesome.

Roomie 1: And yet again, I'm SO jealous of your job!

Running for president

Roomie 2: see, you could be president...

Roomie 1: Yay! All you need is to be a beauty pageant winner with no experience! Let's destroy our national resources! yay!

Roomie 2:  You have to be opposed to anything good in the world and carry a gun...

Roomie 1: I'm so going to go republican and win the nomination...let's kill puppies! Yay!  And I think the second amendment guarantees our right to club baby seals! Yay!

Roomie 2:  We are definitely allowed to carry clubs...just not numchucks...

Roomie 1: I think i'm going to invest in a billy club...

male escorts

Roomie 1: I can be the alcoholic slutty single girl at any function except HER wedding.  I have to have a date for that.  Preferably one who is a compulsive liar and won't have any problem pretending we are madly in love.

at least you have a sense of humor about it

The roomies' friend's husband was attacked while riding his bike near roomies' house...friend sent an email telling them what happened...

Bikerchick: The cop suggested it was because he was wearing a red jersey. I can absolutely see how that crackhead would have confused him for a rival gangmember. Yeah, I hate it when those crazy gangmembers start bike commuting with giant reflector bags, ankle straps, and blinky lights -- just terrorizing the streets

Bikerchick: Then the cop suggested that he should have done a citizen's arrest (LOL x100). ::punch, punch:: "Hey!" ::punch:: "Stop that!" ::kick:: "Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but...citizen's arrest!" [attacker cowers in fear]

packing efficiently

Friend: I'm picking out clothes we can both wear in the DR.

Roomie 1: Awesome. I won't need to pack anything.

Friend: Well, you should pack your own underwear.

Roomie 1: Yeah. I got that. I was plannig on bringing my own underwear.

Wednesday sounds awesome

Friend: First, I'd like it to be wednesday so I can get naked and let a stranger rub me with oil. Then I'd like it to be saturday.

seeks athletic male

Study Partner: What are you girls going to do tonight?

Roomie 2: go over community property and watch so you think you can dance.

Roomie 1: I"m going to fake a bike accident on the trail and try to get a date

Roomie 2: I deserve the best.  Unfortunately, I cannot afford it so instead I have nothing.

Roomie 2 on trying to find dinner while lost on the American River bike trail:

"Do you know how hard it is to kill a squirrel with a CO2 cartridge?"

take that mother nature!

Roomie 1: FUCK YOU WIND! I will not give up. you may be stronger but i think you underestimate how stupid i really am.

wtf

Roomie 2: I"m going to go home and contemplate suicide

Roomie 1: Yay!

different approaches

Roomie 1: (to roomie 2) You are humming a lot lately.  I mean, not that it is a bad thing.  It is just that I am trying to find the will to live and you are humming.

Supportive Friends

Roomie 1 told Friend about how she set a PR in a 5k Race she ran over the weekend...

Friend: That's Awesome! and i hate you, Haha. i suck at running and i'm
getting fat. sad sad day for me, but awesome awesome day for you
speed racer

A Classic

While brainstorming how we can get a bookdeal by making our blog more interesting and prolific:

Roomie 1: Maybe we could start fabricating stoopid things we "said".

argumentative

Roomie 1: Lists are VERY important to proving points!

Nice to be needed

Roomie 1: I miss you. I really want a pickle and I cannot open the jar. When are you coming home?

Rainbows

Roomie 1: Um, if music were gay (even though we hate that expression) this would be gay music.

Roomie 2: This is the music you would listen to if you were gonna slide down the rainbow into another woman's lap?

Roomie 1: Yes, exactly.

heat stroke!

bikechick: are you ok?

roomie 1: I'm fine...I just want to curl up in the fetal position and vomit a little.

backhanded compliment

Roomie 1: and she's got awesome thighs. probably from all her whoring.

harry potter dreaming?

Friend (talking in sleep): ohmygod did someone just dissipate!!!????

test anxiety

Friend: dear whores outside my window celebrating, while i'm sure on some level i'm happy for you that you have finished law school, 99.8% of me hates you and wants to kill you right now. i'll give you a 30 second head start running, but prepare to die.

that bitch is everywhere!

Friend: I sold my chair. I'm waiting outside with it right now.

Roomie 1: Are the people coming over to pick it up?

Friend: No, I just thought i'd carry it downstairs and wait outside with it...

Roomie 1: (*sighing with her own stupidity)...Right...and then someone threw down a scrabble board and said "its on, bitch." right?

and some more dieting...

Friend: i'm totally rocking the food baby right now

More dieting

Roomie 1: I've got the little pudge sticking out over my bike shorts

friend: Sexay!

Roomie 1: my, uh, padding for if i crash..

friend: that's positive thinking

Roomie 1: i like to think of it as an air bag

Friend: Silver lining!

Dieting!

Roomie 1: I need some good fat pants...

Smart people

Roomie 2: Some girl just walked in with a box of raisins. I think she is going to do better than me. Raisins are for smart people.

competetive people

Friend: a stranger started a scrabble game with me.

Roomie 1: On scrabulous?

Friend: No. He came to my home.

Roomie 1: Well, I thought maybe at the coffee shop

Friend: Yes, someone sat at the table next to me, threw down a scrabble board and said, "it's on, bitch."

yeah, its just like that

Roomie 1: I love tanning in a tanning bed! It feels SOOO good but it is SOO bad for you! Just like boys and alcohol!

Flowers for Algernon

While roomie 1 and friend were running, a boy reached out to offer them flowers...

Friend: Sorry! I have allergies...(as she swerves to avoid the boy)

Roomie 1: I can't run AND hold flowers.... (as she also swerves to avoid the boy)

Google Earth

Roomie 1: I googled your house and noticed you have a pool. Mind if I come over and tan?

bike rides and kisses

Friend: Then of course you can hook up with him when he's done with the road race. (Note: use of phrase "hook up" was intentional.)

engagement!

Roomie 1: this getting a husband thing is soooo much easier than people say! All i had to do was tell you my criteria (i.e. rides a bike - isn't gross) and bam! ready made unknowing husband! yes!

criminal enterprise

Roomie 1: You are the best aider and abettor to cyberstalking EVER!!

patent law

Roomie 1: someone just asked if this would be like patenting a 4 wheel drive donkey cart in the 1800s

Roomie 2: uhh...

Roomie 1: yes amorphous polymers are EXACTLY like donkey carts...i dont know what a polymer is but i think it is not a donkey cart

Its not narcissism if you look good

Roomie 2: I love mountain climbing asses in spandex. What could be better?

Roomie 1: nothing is better... mmmm

Roomie 2: OK, it would be better if MY ass looked like that, but as this is unlikely to happen, I'll take theirs looking so hott

Roomie 1: yeah who cares what my ass looks like. i'll never see it! i would much rather look at their asses

Roomie 2: oh, please. if your ass looked like that I'd never get you out of the hallway

Roomie 1: hahahaha...i'd get the entire house redone in mirrors

Roomie 2: i KNOW! ... but, you'd have every right with an ass like that

i learned from betty crocker

Roomie 1: Maybe we can watch transformers...(pause)...and bake hard ass cookies to throw at whores...(no answer)...or I can just steal your clothes and leave - whicheva works for you...

logic

Friend: (Telling story of the first marathon)...And then he delivered his message and dropped dead...

Roomie 1: So we decided that sounded like fun

Friend: No, we are doing it to prove we won't die...

Drivers tests should be personalized

roomie 1: Why do I even need to know what a green curb or a white curb means? If I promise not to park anywhere where the curb is painted will you let me pass this test?

The perfect man

Roomie 1: If I could find a man made of peanut butter i'd totally marry him in a heartbeat!

and this is the world through those rose colored glasses

Roomie 1: and if it isn't any of those people, then I have an international stalker...

Friend: A british stalker though which is sexy!

Roomie 1: I know, huh? I mean, yes, stalkers are dangerous but still...hot!

Friend: Um, maybe we shouldn't characterize your future husband as a stalker...lets just call him an enthusiastic suitor. an enthusiastic BRITISH suitor!

Roomie 1: Yay! And it isn't really stalking if you enjoy the attention...it is more like doting...

harry potter has all the luck

Friend: I wish I was a magician so I could refill this glass without getting up. Also, I wish I could apparate because the time lag between leaving and getting somewhere really bugs me.

Roomie 1: I still wish I had lasers attached to my eyes so I could blow up peoples heads.

Friend: Yeah...

Roomie 2:I wish I had powers so I could squander them...

Roomie 1: OOh and I wish I had cars that were secretly alien robots.

Friend: Oh me too!!

neighborly love

Roomie 1: I wish my eyes had lasers attached to them so i could incinerate people's heads