Girls are vulgar. Men would be shocked.

Lily: i think you just need to meet a european playboy. they fix EVERYTHING...like one carefree night. no rules. no laws. no committment. no drama. bam.

SJ: yeah but i cant understand a word they're saying. and while we're having sex its really distracting to keep having to go: "im sorry? what was that?"

Lily: uh why do they need to speak? shut up and lick.

this is why everyone needs a manager

"Dear" KFC,
It has been brought to my attention that on Monday, August 25, 2011 you appeared at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California dressed in blue jeans and a tee shirt and without benefit of a shave. The dress code at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California is "Business Casual" not "Shifty and Ghetto." The dress code for being the social escort of Roomie is "Sharp and Submissive" not "Slovenly and Pathetic." While it could be argued that covering your chubby cheeks with fur might be a marginal improvement, the actual effect gave the appearance of a rather dim-witted howler monkey with a hormonal imbalance.

It has also been brought to my attention that when you appeared on Monday, August 25, 2011 at The Duck Club Restaurant in Palo Alto, California in your disheveled and inappropriate condition,(By the way, do you have any conception of what appropriate is, or is your social competence on a par with your clothing selection skills?), you failed to pay for Roomie's food and beverage. Due to this egregious (Do you even know what "egregious" means? Get your mommy to help you with the big words, when you get home to her tonight.) faux pas (see previous note) Ms. Roomie will not be accompanying you on any further social occasions until she receives a Visa card in her name on your account. Please pay any charges which are placed on this card immediately, so that Ms. Roomie always has the full credit line at her disposal. Otherwise, she will be forced to go over the limit, and you will be forced to pay fees that should have been spent on her. If this occurs, please send cash to Ms. Roomie in the amount of the fees, to make restitution for your financial irresponsibility.

Ms. Roomie will be using this card to make the monthly payments on her student loans, as well. It will be your honor and privilege to relieve her of this noisome duty. In return for this, Roomie will, if convenient to her, accompany you on up to two noisome social outings per month. Don't call her, she will call you. If you call or attempt to call her, you will forfeit all social outings for two months. Roomie has located a Dogloo in the garbage room of her apartment building in case you need to stay over. Please don't bark at the rats.
As degrading as this arrangement may seem to you, remember that it is far more degrading to Roomie to even know you.

Sincerely,

Business Manager,
Roomie Enterprises

investment opportunity

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm writing to tell you about a great investment opportunity! And that investment is ME! I've decided that the thing I'm really best at in life is coincidentally what I enjoy the most. You might be wondering, what could this be? cycling? running? snowboarding? lawyering? creative writing? modeling? the list is seemingly endless but my REAL skills lie in being pampered and not having to work. Yes, I"m talking about marrying a wealthy man and never lifting a finger again. I truly believe this is my calling in life.

Now, you guys did a great job in training me how to assimilate into the wealthy social class I strive to belong to. I learned quite a bit about country clubs and snobbery at St. Anne's. I know that I rebelled for a while but that was just a phase. I've come to my senses and i'm ready to marry rich. And good news! I"ve met someone.

Technically it was a business dinner but I was reading the signs (as well as the time from his Cartier watch) and feel that he is just as interested in my looks as i am in his money. This, my dear parents, is a match made in heaven. In fact, this handsome european businessman has said that i should come visit his vacation home in St. Tropez because that is the social circle I should be spending my time in. Now, from my extensive field research, i know that men don't want to feel like you are using them for their money and they value strong independent woman (at least in the beginning) so I very wisely did not insist that he pay for my plane ticket. Which brings us to the amazing investment opportunity!

I feel it would benefit all of us if I went to St. Tropez to find a rich husband. Now, this may not seem like you will get anything out of this if you choose to be my financial backer, but I assure you I would repay your kindness with interest (you know that Jag you've always wanted Dad? and Mom, what about a week in Paris shopping and going to the spa?). It was painfully obvious at this dinner that I would fit in perfectly in St. Tropez (did you know American rapper P. Diddy also has a home there?!) and am confident I would have a husband within the year.

Summer is almost over and so I would need to go to St. Tropez no later than Labor Day. I understand if you cannot buy me a ticket before then. That is why i'm proposing two other excellent investment opportunities! You can also send me to Istanbul for a European Sales Meeting. OR help pay for me to spend Christmas in Europe (with New Years, naturally, in Monaco as is expected of someone of my social status).

Let me know what dates will work for you! I look forward to our future financial partnership!

Love you!

Lily

REPLY:
There is more to life than money, darling. To make sure you are doing the right thing, your mother is on her way to St. Tropez to check it out firsthand. If it is all that you say it is, I will send for you immediately.

Love always,
Mom

Ok so there are a few things optimus can't do...

FB Post: So the autobots are amazing. They save the human race, they save freedom but most importantly, they save Ammurreca. Is there anything they can't do?

Comment 1: Feel emotions

Comment 2: fly

Comment 3: I hear they aren't good spellers

Comment 4: Fix the debt ceiling.

LEEEERRRRROOOOOYYYY Jenkins!

FB post: Who is Manuel Jenkins?

Comment 1: Leroy's brother?

Dear ATT...

Jacey: i've lost reception. allegedly i have "some" reception but it won't let me dial out. in other news, if there was an axe murderer trying to get in, i would die because i couldn't call 911.

Hello? Angel?

Lily: I clearly killed off the angel on myshoulder. I would say the devil is still there but I'm pretty sure myideas are worse than any little devil would come up with so the bigman downstairs probably recalled my little devil and reassigned him to someone who had morals.

totally different than stalking

Lily: Fact: I just ate lots of pineapple because i'm planning a one night stand with a coworker tonight. he does not know.

Lily: correction: he does not know me

Delicious

Lily is walking down the street

Random man: Delicious

Lily (irate): EXCUSE ME?

(sees man and woman eating pastry...)

Lily: Oh. sorry. i thought you were talking to me.

POWMIA

Crazy 3.0: Sniff. Sniff. I just want you to know i'll be more than MIA lately.

Lily: POW?

Relationships are like banks

Lily: She was complaining about her life but she had been avoiding my calls ALL last week when I wanted to talk and now she is having some sort of crisis and of course i'm the first person she went to. She has stopped going to work. She is so upset over what happened that she has stopped eating and has been vommitting from crying so hard.

Lily: So I told her "You get out of a relationship what you put in it. You put nothing into our relationship so you're not going to get anything out. I"ve been dealing with a lot of things lately and don't really feel like talking."

Jacey: Wait. what are you dealing with lately?!

Lily: Nothing. Does that make me a bad person? She DID avoid me when I needed someone to talk to...

relationship geniuses advising each other

friend: (after recounting "date" for roomie) so i asked what time he'd be home tonight, he said 10 but he has to get up early, and i said "i have to get up early too..." he said he'd call tonight. i imagine he won't.

roomie: practically engaged! you should make other plans! then if he calls say "i'm so sorry. i went out with my pals and it went later than i thought. i'll try to call tomorrow though if i'm around."

friend: but that means no sexy time. so we'd both lose out...

roomie: right, but you have to win the game. that way you get sexy time when you want, not just when he wants.

friend: i'm bad at the game. i like sexy time too much.

roomie: me too. sluts of a feather.

signs you might have a problem...

friend: did you know some people make mimosas w 2/3 oj 1/3 champers? i made them and coworker was like "wow! lots of champagne!" and i said "well i went halfsies thinking i'd made them weak..."

roomie: yea, i prefer a splash of oj.

team dinner

Lily: Don't forget, the post season team dinner is in Napa this year (well it should be anyway). Katie and I found a great castle there that conveniently also has weddings. If you all are flying all the way out here for dinner the least I can do is get married. I'd need like 2 months notice though so i could find a groom....

Hotel Bars = escort lounges

San Diego: Yeah, this is definitely a prostitution place...

Roomie: Yeah. I love it!

San Diego: Me too! I'm not the only whore here!

roomie: Me too! I mean, chances are i'm the least diseased woman here. AND chances are i'm one of the only actual women here!

it was really a traumatic date

Lilly: and he spent the night so he could hold me all night. bitch. i need my effing space. sexy time and then leave-ey time.

San Diego: wow he sounds like a keeper! better dump him now!

San Diego: he has the fuckin nerve to cuddle you all night. didn't he see the sign? "thanks for dinner. leave bitch"

San Diego: this guy took me on a date the other night. went to a bar after a movie. he had to go home cuz he worked the next day. and he offered to walk me home. i said "naaaaah i'll stay here and drink some more."

Lilly: he held me to his sweaty hairy chest all night in some kung fu death grip. i couldn't roll over.

Lilly: i couldn't move

Lilly: he snored in my ear

Lilly: and when i tried to wiggle free, he'd wake up. it was a nightmare!

Lilly: BUT he is a great guy and super nice. so i don't want to dump him. i just dont want to ever have to spend the whole night together

Isn't that how you spend Thursday?

Vegas: God face book is soooooo boring this time of night!! Dont you guys know i need this to entertain me right now!!

Lilly: Sorry! I was too busy doing blow off a hookers ass at a hot tub party at a closeted politicians house! Otherwise I would have totally been facebooking for you!!!

Vegas: Seeeeeee now THAT is what i need at that time of night!

you have some SERIOUS intimacy issues

Lilly: he doesn't just stay the night, he wraps me up in a fucking kung fu death grip. I can't roll. I can't do anything. HIs head is resting on my cheek. he is SNORING. Also he smells like his food. Oh yeah and it is hot as fuck and he is a little chunky so he is sweating like a brazillian whore in the summertime. W.T.F.??? I tried to wriggle out and everytime, he would wake up, start kissing my kneck and rubbing my arm. and i was like "ohhh no. we are NOT doing that again. i'll pretend to sleep if i have to."

Lilly: I was like "i like you. but i need space. like every night type of space. cuddling is great when you aren't a sweaty beast and smell like some fancy vegan food. I can't sleep in one position pressed into your unwaxed chest. AHHH" (<--Obviously i didn't say any of that....)