just call the cable company already!

Roomie 1: I mean, i don't NEED tv.  People lived before it was invented.  I think...not positive...I think they also, you know, had brothels or something to pass the time...but whateva...

Tis the Reason for the Season

Roomie 2: I'd like to make a reservation for 3 for Christmas day.

Humorless Server Guy: Ok. Will you be celebrating anything special...besides Christmas?

Roomie 2: Nope. Just the birth of Jesus...

Roomie 2's Dad: (cracking up in background)

Humorless Server Guy: ...Ok. Um, we'll see you at 7:15 then...

new treatment for coma patients

Roomie 1: Just saw my aunt.  She is not yet coherent. I told her I was going to put a hat on her and take pictures

Hot Guy: Shake her a bit. That always helps babies anyway.

I knew I was the glue that held the world together

Roomie 1: How is sac doing without me? Is the city able to function?

Hot Guy: Not very well.  Crime is rampant right now.  Its a mess! you NEED TO COME HOME!

are soft moist lips too much to ask for?

Friend: um, i die. i just read your little message about yourself under your picture. loves. so i'm havinga situation in which my lips are chapped and it's unacceptable. you're familiar with how much chapstick i use. and based on 5 minutes of internet research, i've confirmed that that fiberglass thing is a hoax. so anyways, my lips are effing chapped and i'm using chapstick all the time. this is unacceptable

That heroes guy is such a sneaky person

Later in the night...more drunk texting...

Roomie 1: I think the Asian guy from heroes roofied me...

Hot Guy: Oh no! Don't do him.  He'll time warp you.

Roomie 1:  FUCK! Time warp my ass!

drunk awesome texting

Hot Guy: Hiii

Roomie 1: How are you? I'm drinking with nerds!

Hot guy: The candy?

Roomie 1: What candy?  I'm with a bunch of people at a geology convention!  I mentioned nude sinbathing with a monkey and they fled!

you are such a cute little STD

Roomie 1 posts a picture of herself

FB Friend: Oh you look adorable! Love the elf like boots!

Hot Guy: Your legs look skinny and cold!

Friend: um, i feel that the hoodie dress is under that... am i right! i'm so right. also, i hope you're wearing the pant leggings i gave you and not the tights leggings, pant leggings are warmer. finally, you should really clarify that you own that hat... it's not borrowed. and if those are the matching gloves, those are yours too. just saying.

Roomie 1: Ok yes the gay and gloves are mine and I LOVE them. And those are actually my nike thermal running pants.

Hot Guy: Sephie - read that quote again. I don't see a gay in the nike picture...

Roomie 1: Damn auto texting! I meant the hat not the gay. And you should check the spelling of my name unless that is my new nic name...

Hot Guy: Would you prefer that I spell it with a "y" instead?

Roomie 1: I was thinking a "t" would help. Otherwise I sound like a cute name for an STD

Hot Guy: Meh

Roomie 1: Haha. Well I like you enough to let you change my name if there are too many letters to bother with

Friend: maybe we should start calling you syphie. and tell people you went crazy from undiagnosed syph. just a thought.

may she rest in peace

Roomie 1: The only thing that would comfort me at the time of her death would be the massive amounts of money that she is supposedly leaving me.

Friend: You are going straight to hell. I mean, there is a throne waiting for you there and a welcome back sign...

Roomie 1: Yeah, I definitely am on the VIP elevator.

farts

Roomie 1: My farts have been super rancid today...it is foul...i mean, i think a hamster died in my ass last night!

Facebook Status Update!

Roomie 1: "Roomie 1 is very sad to realize that almost all her cycling gear is ruined :("

Hot Guy: You can borrow my mittens...

Roomie 1: Thanks boo...

Random highschool friend: What happened?

Roomie 1: a combination between rogue velcro ripping a hole in all my shorts (yeah, i am oblivious and didn't notice it while it was happening) and a rogue cat which pissed all over my gear bag thus soaking all my jerseys and shorts in a foul stench which i cannot get out

Random highschool friend: Oh crap! Sorry girl, that sucks.

Hot Guy: I think that you're both overlooking the fact that Roomie 1 now has mittens to wear! Sheesh!

Roomie 1: true! So although i'll be showing my bare ass to the world, i'll at least have a sports bra and some mittens to keep my important parts warm...

Random Highschool friend: True, true... mittens will solve all.

Roomie 1: and Hot Guy, if you need to borrow my pee soaked spandex shirts, i'm happy to share those with you too...somehow it doesn't seem like as good of an offer as mittens

Hot Guy: thanks! just stand upwind and all will be great.

Sister: wow-- sry about ur jerseys but this whole status convo was kinda funny!

Wait...Miley Cyrus is HARRY POTTER???

Friend Dad: I hear in the last book, she turns into a real whore.

Friend: Who??

Friend Dad: That....that Miley!

Friend: Um....She is not in any of the harry potter movies...

Dear Santa

Letter from Friend (as a child) to Santa

Dear Santa,

I admit that I have not been good this year.  However, there are still things that I want. ...

-Sincerely Bad Bad (and insert friend's FULL OFFICIAL name here which i will not list due to the anonymity of this blog)

New diet plan

Roomie 1: I tried to only buy things that I don't like eating

Cashier: That doesn't make any sense at all.

Roomie 1: It is actually ingenius...if I buy the food i enjoy eating, i'll just eat all of it...this way I won't have that problem.

wills and trusts

Future President: I think if I were a lawyer i'd go into wills and estate planning

Roomie 1: The problem is that it isn't the most lucrative area...i mean the average person doesn't need a lawyer for their will/estate.  Most of it is going to go to whomever they would give it to even if they don't have a will...

Future President:  you are saying i don't need a will?

Roomie 1: I'm saying that unless you have highly valuable assets or want items to go to specific people - especially unrelated people, you don't need one...

Future President: I think you vastly underestimate the value of my porn collection.

Roomie 1: And to whom, exactly, are you going to will that to? The boys and girls club of america?