LEGEN (wait for it) DARY!

Roomie: DC I love you.

DC: I. Am. LEGENDARY!

the ish of awesometown

Roomie: PSH! Whatever! HE is the crazy cat lady. I am the ish of awesometown!!

Siren of my life part two

DC calls back....

DC: Roomie, as my lawyer, can I stab someone with my umbrella?

Roomie: Um, I am not giving you any advice as your lawyer. Don't stab anyone.

DC: I am in a bad part of town. I need a weapon.

Roomie: If you are being attacked you can use an umbrella to defend yourself. But I give you this advice as your friend. Not as your lawyer. I am not your lawyer. I am not giving legal advice.

DC: So...AS my lawyer....can i stab someone with my umbrella?

Roomie: No.

DC: I am lost. Where the fuck is the metro???
DC: (Yells to someone on street) stay away! I have an umbrella!

Roomie: DC. Call a cab. Immediately. Do NOT stab anyone with your umbrella.

Siren of my life

DC calls Roomie while drunk and wandering around in the rain...

Roomie: Hello?

DC: (police siren in the background) DO YOU HEAR THAT?!!?!! That is the SIREN OF MY LIFE!!!!! (hangs up).

the fedacto break up... a french technique.

friend:  sends link to roomie.  haha, "when was the last time you heard of a chick acting like a jerk so he'd break up with her?"  uh... is that NOT standard operating procedure?

roomie:  lol!  that's what i always do!

friend:  me too!  because i hate always having to be the breaker upper.  so my standard procedure is to alienate as long as possible until i either get fed up with a guy being blind to my actions or he breaks up.

roomie:  exactly!

friend:  typically it ends in the latter and i think to myself, "man, i should've just done with earlier... could've saved my bitch reserves for a more worthy opponent."

roomie:  or until you haven't talked in so long that it is a fedacto break up.

friend:  a fedacto break up?  is that french?

roomie:  de fact.  sorry.   t9.  lol.  yep.  i'm fluent in french now.

Life Rehab. Be there.

Friend: I think I'm suffering from exhaustion. I must be a celebrity and not know it yet.

Roomie: You ARE a celebrity.

Friend: Ah, yes. I forgot.

Roomie: You and I should go to rehab and recover from our exhausting lives.

Friend: Life rehab. Haha.

Roomie: We should start a celebrity life rehab place. We can get lilo and brit brit for sure. Maybe Madonna but only because i want to hang with her and not because she needs rehab.

Friend: Some people can't handle alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. We just can't handle life in general. They'll Probably put us down.

Friend: Maybe we will stage an intervention for madge, tell her its for her own protection, and then we can have her cryogenically frozen until there's a cure for death, that most fatal of all diseases.

Roomie: Yes! Brilliant! We can tell her we have a baby for her in Malawi in order to lure her to our secret lair...uh...i mean rehab facility.

Friend: YESSSSSS.

Friend: (imagining how the kidnapping of madonna would go)....

Us: "Come her madonn -- I mean, esther...there's an attractive malawian toddler with a questionable orphan status at this adoption center.You MUST come save her!" ...

(madonna) "this doesn't look like an adoption center....i always get my questionably orphaned malawians from the actual country...WHAT is that ominous looking tube???"

(us) "Oh that? no big deal, just a body scan to make sure you don't have any diseases that might kill the children off....the mexicans and indians are very upset they didn't have this back in conquistador days...could've saved a lot of lives. You wouldn't want to hurt the children would you?"

(madonna) "oh no, Never. So I just step into the tube?"

(us) "yep."

(madonna) "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT IS THIS!!!! IT'S S-S-S-S-O C-C-C-CCOLD!!!"

(us) "Jack! haha!"

(Madonna) "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"

(us) "Madge, suck it up and stop trying to fight with your man muscles. We're doing this for your own good."

Lame Sauce passes out early

DC: F*** me I'm past no return

Roomie: Dude, its hella early you f***ing pussy. I won't even be buzzed for another 4 hours so you better get a second wind.

DC: I"m in truble.

Roomie: Stop drinking for an hour.

DC: thats like trying to tell a cow not to mow

Cookie whore

Roomie: Let's make cookies 4th of july weekend and then give them to other people to eat so we don't get fat.

Guy: Genius! that is what i've been doing wrong. Eating them!

Roomie: I know. it took me a long time to figure that trick out too! Maybe we can bake with your mom. Seeing as how I am the big whore who stumbled out of her son's bedroom this weekend. I feel like that is a cause for baking.

Guy: Good thing m mom loves whory girls! She does love to bake too!

Deep thoughts from Deep People

Roomie: I am perplexed as to why I have blond arm hair but black leg hair and dark brown head hair. Thoughts?

Friend: Deep thoughts. I think the arm hair is blonde because its thinner. It's more like face hair than head hair.

Roomie: Hmmm. Perhaps. You are a wise wise woman. But why is thinner hair a different color?

Friend: Because its job is to have light and warmth go through it to warm the body and the other hair is decorative.

Your wagon has overturned.

Roomie: In other news I have had a tummy ache all week.

Friend: Maybe you have dysentery. Don't ford the river.

Roomie: Yay! that would be awesome!

Friend: What would be awesome.

Roomie: Dysentery! I would be so skinny!

Friend: True. You would. But don't ford the river.

Le Contracto

Roomie: I am trying to read a contract in french right now. I think i should not be the one handling this!

Friend: Psh, it's like english with some le and some cois and a goofy accent. you're FINE.

Roomie: Bon Jour. Croissant. Contrat. Yoplait. Ces ci bon. Perfect. We will DEFINITELY be ok. I can totally negotiate like this......................Fast forward to some french guy calling my boss and saying "uh, one of your lawyers ordered a croissant and some yogurt then called me a whore, shook my hand and walked out of negotiations.

Friend: I see no problems whatsoever.

I think that IS a hobby!

Friend: I tied a shirt around frank's neck like a cape this morning so when he ran around the house he looked like a super hero. I need hobbies.

dream land

Friend: is it weird that i had a dream about a small chimpanzee like creature running around my neighborhood while the artist formerly known as prince sang a song called "chupacabre"? i was hiding in a large pine tree (that doesn't actually exist on my block) so the chupacabre couldn't catch me and make me go to work.

....

Friend: left out one of the best parts of the chupacabre dream. i woke up humming the chupacabre song. which i've now completely forgotten. have a good day!

duck you all!

Roomie 1: I am on a boat. With my flippy floppies. And I don't know anyone.

Friend: Common denominator. You.

Roomie 1: Duck the common denominator.

Friend: Yes. duck it.

its official. maybe.

Roomie 1: I am officially dating New Guy I think

Roomie 2: New guy....Which one is he? From where?

Roomie 1: South America

Roomie 2: No. Not what country. Sorry. I am being confusing. How do you know New Guy? That kind of from where...

Roomie 1: New Guy is from my new town. He has a huuge HUGE :o

Roomie 2: OH! But how did you meet him??

Roomie 1: At a bar. went out on thursday to a bar. He is cute. straigh. and totally vanilla. no drama. my opposite.

____________ minutes go by________

Roomie 2: Hi! Sorry. Passed out on the couch for a second. He sounds perfect. I like plain vanilla.

Roomie 1: I like Rocky Road.

Roomie 2: You do. But maybe after a while you will like vanilla. THere is something to be said for drama free.

you need a child locator on you at all times for just such occassions

Roomie 1: I am on a yacht with strangers!

Roomie 2: Um...how did you end up on a yacht with strangeres?

Roomie 1: well...someone at a bar asked me last night and I thought Jonathon Rhys Meyers was going to be here but turns out they don't know him

Roomie 2: Awesome...send me some names in case you turn up missing...

Roomie 1: Jaime. Michael. Vodka guy. Guy with Accent.

sadism

Roomie: I literally cannot walk upright bc my muscles hurt so bad today.

Friend: That means its working!

i can't wait for the ability to control my tv with my mind

Friend: I wanted to watch a movie in bed, but i don't want to go get a movie from another room so i thought i'd rent one on itunes, but i'm cheap. So i thought, hulu. But i'm just too tired. So instead i'll probably fall asleep eating and get choked to death by a tiffany necklace that i'm too lazy to unhook.

Just lie to me biotch

friend: Can we go to the outlets while i'm there? I'd like to find another suit or two.

Roomie: Of course! We can do whatever you want.

Friend: Thanks ti!

Friend: I want to get tan too.

Roomie: You won't get tan in the bay area.

Friend: we might.

Roomie: At a tanning booth maybe. It is cloudy and cold here every day.

Friend: Maybe not in July. Stop crushing my dreams.

Roomie: Ok. I"m sorry. The guy I met yesterday biking said it normally wasn't this windy. So you are right. In July we can tan. And we are close to a beach.

Friend: Thanks.

the silent killer

Friend: She is like black mold, you may not notice it at first, but she slowly kills you.

What are you saying, Mr. Ed??

Friend: My life hurts. My body aches. My eye hurts from allergies and the sunblock I got in it earlier. My face feels sunburned. Sad day. If i were a talking horse I might advise you to shoot me.

You look...different...

Roomie: Fact: I just saw a picture of a baboon on my bro's facebook page and thought it was him wearing a fur hat.

Giraffe/Ellen Convo

Friend: I just called him a vagina. He's singing that song from the SPCA commercial.

Roomie: I just got busted by security. Dancing on the table again. He is a vag. a second that.

Friend: Trying to come up with a lesbian name for him. Thinking of roro, after rosie.

Roomie: Haha, Ellen!

Friend: Ooh. WEll, the unfortunate part of his being a lesbian is that it makes me the butch one. So i think he'd be portia.

Roomie: That's okay. Everyone knows ellen is more popular.

Friend: and a good dance. which is important. also more successful career wise, even though p's career started out better.

Roomie: But you will end up wildly more successful. Like giraffe money successful.

Friend: I could have a giraffe? I'd rather have a polar bear named urek, or really just a polar bear.

Roomie: Okay. Polar bear. But they bite.

Friend: I'll feed him criminals. And ugly shoes. And i won't try to hug him, even though i'll want to. Maybe when he's a cub we can snuggle a little.

Roomie: Feed him my nemesis. That will feed him for months! mmm, beefy!

Friend: First meal of human! and then all my enemies...

Dear Mom: I'm sorry

Roomie: My dog knocked over my wine last night and drank like a quarter of the bottle. I raised an alchy.

Friend: Of course you did. Its hereditary.

Roomie: Great. I raised a gay alcoholic dog. I am such a failure. Now I know how my parents must feel about me!

Friend: Haha. You're not gay. So at least there is that...

Roomie: I"ll be sure to remind them of that next time my mother breaks into tears over how I am going to wind up unemployed and alone because I am a failure at life.

I dont' think i was there for that one....

Roomie: Can you send me the giraffe ellen convo from a week ago [so i can put it on stupid roomie]

Friend: Refresh my recollection?

Roomie: Um...you wanted to give Mr. Attorney a lezzie name and I suggested Ellen and then you would be Portia and then I said you would have giraffe money but you didn't want a giraffe you wanted a Polar Bear named after the golden compass to feed your enemies to...

Roomie: Please tell me we had this conversation because if not I have definitely gone crazy

I'll show you attitude!

Friend: He just told me I have a bad attitude when he calls.

Roomie: Take a picture of your middle finger and send it to him.

Friend: I love you. Seriously. I do. If you were a hot, wealthy dude, I would absolutely marry you.

Roomie: And if I were a hot wealthy dude I would gladly have you as my trophy wife.

Friend: Solid. I'm so glad we're friends.

You look like ass....but i still love you

Friend: I don't hold back. I try to be more...diplomatic though.

Roomie: You don't need to be [diplomatic] with me. We are at the friend point where you can say it like it is. Just add "but I still love you" at the end of any insult.

Friend: Ditto.

Feelings shouldn't be eaten

Roomie: I tried to eat my feelings today. I bought 3 cupcakes, a slice of cake, a pint of ice cream and a bottle of rose brut sparkling wine. I made it through one cupcake and half the slice of cake before giving up on eating my feelings. I drank the entire bottle of wine and called it a night.

Friend: Sometimes I think God looks down on me and thinks "man i really messed up on that one."