it hardly counts

Lily: yes, i'm a lawyer. and a woman. and yes, my ass just made sounds you would only hear at a zoo.

OAK: also, I may have crapped myself. but just a little.

Lily: i probably won't even have to throw the underwear out. that is how little i crapped myself

Unassailable logic

SJ: oh and i just noticed that im starting to get a turkey neck.  so sexy

 

Lily: you do NOT have turkey neck

 

SJ: oh yes ... i saw it

 

Lily: Look. I'm highly judgemental. especially of my friends because i have to know when i'm not going to stand a chance of being the center of attention.    If you had turkey neck, i would have noticed it and would be secretly gloating right now.  I'm not gloating. that would put me in a GOOD mood and i'm clearly having a BAD week ergo you do NOT have turkey neck.  go ahead.

just TRY to argue with that logic.

Golden Girls

Friend: At what age will we be the Golden Girls?

Roomie: 50

Friend: Can we agree that there will be no Rose? I can't stand her.

Roomie: Yeah, there will only be blanche and the mom. Maybe Dorothy but she is iffy.

Friend: Rose gotta die.

Friend: We can each be 50% Sofia and 50% Blanche

Roomie: The perfect combination of sass and whore.

Clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time

Jacey: we missed our calling as evil genius and trusty henchman.

Lily: wait. why am i the henchman? i've got looser morals than you. i think i should get to be the evil genius

Jacey: i'm more calculating than you are.

Lily: i'm not really good at following directions

Jacey: think of it like I'm magneto and you're mystique. so you get to be rebecca romaine lettuce while i'm sir ian mckellan. i think you win this one.

Lily: LOL i love our debates

Jacey: i bend metal. you get to shape shift and do the actual dirty work. me too. clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time.

You still live inside...so there is that...

Lily: this will make you feel better about your life: This morning i saw a pink top or maybe a dress in the gutter. and my immediate thought was, "i wonder if that is my size. i really like the color. if i washed it, it wouldn't be that bad."

Jacey: you are gross

Lily: i'm a fucking homeless person!

Jacey:

you have an apt.

you're not homeless.

you just have homeless tendencies

Purse Physics

Holly:
i think it's many a woman's plight
if there is space (in a purse) we will fill it
but there is also so much shit we need

Lilly: like a 2 pound burrito. "just in case"

Holly: exactly - or sandals bc your heals always give you blisters

Lilly: and of course band aids to use on the blisters

Holly: and moleskin as well.  neosporin to prevent infection.

Lilly: tylenol (for the pain)

Holly: a 32oz bottle of water

Lilly: oh then some hand santizer since you are fiddling with your feet.  and lotion since the sanitizer dries out your hands.

Holly: bottle of nailpolish to touch up your manicure.

Lilly: and pedicure since now you are showing your toes in your flip flops! (add a top coat so there are no chips)

Lilly: and after all that work, i get a bit sweaty so i need deoderant

Holly: and mascara in case you need to reapply before dinner

Lilly: If i'm redoing the mascara i probably should just touch up everything. since i'm in there.

Holly: and always moisurizer with spf if you go out in the sun
and something to read
and your calendar

Lilly: maybe some extra jewlery in case you need to make an outfit fancier?

Holly: and a jacket or sweater bc sf is alawys cold

Lilly: some underwear and a toothbrush. "just in case."

Holly: and then all of a sudden you have a 50lb purse...huh how did that happen?

Lilly: "what the? my wallet doesn't even fit in this purse! i need a bigger purse!"

F*&! nature

Lilly: there is a fucking hawk or something screaming outside my window.  or a sad baby bird...or bird sounding cat...whatever. it is really annoying. i wish my windows opened and that i had a gun

Holly: i have annoying birds at home like that.  and if i wake up it keeps sqwawking and i can't go back to sleep.

Lilly: fucking nature

Holly: yeah couldn't god have given them a better fucking voice?? shit man

date night

Jacey:  examples of potential texts you might receive:  1.  he was wearing a flannel shirt and i walked out immediately, 2.  he had a perma smile that made him look like plastic and i excused myself to the restroom and climbed out the window, 3.  he was charming and we have scheduled a second dated, 4.  he was nice, i'll give him a second shot, 5.  meh, not interested.
6.  i've got his twin's number so we can be sister wives.

Lilly: i like 6. also 2. but i'm hoping for 3. unless charming = sociopath in which case i'm worried on your behalf.

Jacey: Charming does NOT equal serial killer.

Lilly:  good.  but that is always what you hear about serial killers. that they were charming. so be careful.

Jacey: true, good call.

the most terrifying friendship ever

Hubby: sorry things are rough with your boyfriend. Just know that you are right for me. So turn that frown upside down.

Lilly: I love you! someday when polygamy is allowed, I expect to be your number 2

Hubby: I"m listening to "true colors" and it is bringin a tear to my eye as I think about you. Lame, I realize.

Lilly: You will always be my baby.

Lilly: Seriously. if you try to leave me i will find you.

Hubby:  Aww! and this is why I love you! Fucking adorable. I love seeing your little face pressed against my window.

Tuesday Frowns

SJ: I caught Al Pacino in a doozy of a lie.  \He tried to cover it up but I took his sorry tales and tore them to shred.  He doesn't like it when i do that. Huh. Too fucking bad dude.  Damn, if it isn't always fucking something.

Lilly: Fuckin a. I'm sorry.

SJ: THis is crap. I can't even get angry. I'm almost insulted at how easy he makes it to find things out. ..

Lilly:Good luck. I'll pack my ninja suit next week if you need me to.

SJ: Sweet! Success will be ours and we will celebrate with margaritas and drag queens and Karaoke at 2 in the morning

Lilly: So this will go down on Tuesday then?

SJ: What makes you say Tuesday?

Lilly: It just sounded like what I used to do on Tuesday nights in Sacramento

SJ: I hate tuesdays more than mondays!

Lilly: you wouldn't if tuesday ended with a drag queen singing karaoke while you drank margaritas

Sj: I could turn that tuesday frown upside down!

Lilly's Moday Morning Rant to SJ:

fml i'm so tired
i thought today was sunday
then realized it was monday but then thought "wait! it is labor day! i can stay in bed!"
fail
i'm also bloated so i wore fat pants. and they fit perfectly. they are just pants now. which makes me sad. so i thought 'i'll go for a run before my deposition starts at 1230!" but i forgot my shoes. fail.
fail fail fail.
i'm one big fat failure
emphasis on the big and fat
....
....
i hope you aren't in a webex. if so, hello everyone! i hope you feel better about yourselves now! you are WELCOME!

legitimate life choices

1:  why are you in a laundry basket?
2:  seemed like a good call.
1:  I'm judging you.
2:  I'm judging YOU.
1:  that's fine, I'm not wearing many clothes.
20-30 minutes later
1:  you better not still be in that basket
2:  (still in basket)

deep thoughts on ice cubes

FF (yelling from the kitchen):  your ice cubes are weird!
jacey (yelling from my room):  your ice cubes are weird!
FF:  I don't have any ice cubes!
jacey:  are there ice cubes in your glass?!
FF:  yes!
jacey:  those are YOUR ice cubes!
FF:  touché! Your ice cube trays are weird!
jacey (walking down the hall to kitchen): I accept.  Hey, the next ice cubes I'm getting are weird too!
FF: the ones you got bf?!
jacey: yes.
FF:  those aren't weird, they're awesome.  Why didn't you buy them for us when you bought them for bf?
jacey:  I couldn't rationalize spending 30 dollars on ice cube trays in one day.
FF:  holy shit, that's ridiculous.
FF's friend S(who was in the bathroom next to my room for all of this): this is the first ice cube fight I've ever witnessed.
FF: this isn't a fight.
jacey: yea, it's just a discussion.
S:  first ice cube discussion then.
FF:  have you seen the ice cubes?  They're weird.
jacey:  they're for water bottles!!!!
FF:  oooooooh, that makes sense now.
S: stares at us bewildered.

Firefighters can be real assholes

Jacey moved in with a firefighter, who is an asshole sometimes.


FF:  what are you up to tonight?
Jacey:  nada, you?
FF:  going out w S.
Jacey:  I thought you worked today.
FF:  round up your bitches and come out.  No, funeral leave, 2 more days.
Jacey:  Please tell me you were not home when I was having a total meltdown trying to get dressed this afternoon...
FF: oh I was.
Jacey:  Jesus.  You need to put a sign on your door when you're home so I know. Also so I'm not standing in my room ass naked with the door open.

10 min later, FF returns home.

FF:  did you put my cheese in the fridge?
Jacey:  I need to move out, I can never speak with you again.  Also, I thought you were gone and a ghost put the cheese out, so I put it away.
FF:  oh, I haven't been home since noon, I was just fucking with you.  You can't set me up like that and not expect me to mess with you.
Jacey:  I hate you.

Clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time

Jacey: we missed our calling as evil genius and trusty henchman.

Lily: wait. why am i the henchman? i've got looser morals than you. i think i should get to be the evil genius

Jacey: i'm more calculating than you are.

Lily: i'm not really good at following directions

Jacey: think of it like I'm magneto and you're mystique. so you get to be rebecca romaine lettuce while i'm sir ian mckellan. i think you win this one.

Lily: LOL i love our debates

Jacey: i bend metal. you get to shape shift and do the actual dirty work. me too. clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time.

harry potter is EXACTLY like real life

Jacey: i live in my head and prophecy the apocolypse at every turn, it's part of my charm. i'm like sybil trelawney. i only see doom.

Lily: i think you are closer to professor snape than trelawney

Jacey: that's SO true.

Lily: no offense. but you aren't some damn hippie. you are more calculating and evil

Jacey: omg. snape. so effing bad ass. i am the fox/lion hybrid!

Lily: yeah! and under all that evil and mean, there was a decent guy

Jacey: yes!i am decent. AM.

Lily: LOL so i eat pie off of the floor and you are a decent person hiding under a cloak of evil...huh.

eating my emotions

I'm eating my emotions. They taste like cupcakes.

In a completely creepy friend way

Lily: i just had a call that made me nauseous and i honestly felt like i was dealing with the type of lawfirm that would kill people to win cases

Jacey: did you ask if they were hiring?

Lily: LOL. i'd have to live in seattle

Jacey: i'd come visit you at least once.

Lily: that is too far from you. and cold. if i have to move somewhere cold i'd move closer to you

Jacey: yea!!!

Lily: that sounded so lezzie

Jacey: i'm going to find you a job in my city so we can be closer.

Lily: i meant it in a completely creepy friend way

Jacey: i love you.

Lily: i love you too

Jacey: in a completely creepy friend way, not a lezzie way.

Lily: right. assumed.

Survival skills

Lily: PS i miss you! I had a dream that we were living in the Friends apartments. Only I was in Joeys and you were in Monicas. And there were no other friends.

Jacey: I'm probably Monica in our friendship, although i'd prefer to think of myself as Chandler.

Lily: Yeah. I think you are Monica. Am I Joey?

Jacey: You are definitely Joey. It is your lack of survival skills. You are not rachel because you are not helpless. You're not weird enough to be Phoebe. If you were Ross I wouldn't be your friend.

Lily: LOL

Jacey: I absolutely believe you would carry a fork in your pocket and eat pie that you found on the floor.

generation why bother

Lily: so i posted an article on the "generation why bother"and this girl is now telling me how i need to send that to her cousin because it is so pathetic that her couisn hates her job and won't quit because she just wants to keep her head down, collect her pay check and make ends meet...and how its so fucked up she doesn't care about succeeding anymore and has just given up...and i was like "you just described me. this is as successful as i'll ever get. i'm done. i just want to get out of debt. i no longer expect to be wealthy some day. or even comfortable. but i'll settle for not in the red."

Jacey: I am right there with you sister!

Lily: we are generation why bother. don't take risks. just be happy with the fact you have a job

Jacey: i feel like that's "generation accept your fate and stop indulging the fantasy that you are somehow special and destined for greatness."

Lily: you aren't going to be great. or special. or contribute in any meaningful way to humanity. you are not going to be in history books. or any books.

Jacey: unless you write one, which probably won't be published bc you're not as clever as your mom tells you you are.

Lily: right. also that takes time. which you don't have because you are too busy working and then drinking...or crying yourself to sleep on the couch...if you are lucky enough to have a couch.

Lily: unrelated. get draw something so we can draw hilarious things to each other all day long

Sexy GPS

Inspector: "wow, you're doing really awesome in the info department today. for that i give you a b+"

SJ: a b+! why a b+?

Inspector: well if you gave me all that info plus phone sex then you'd get an A+

SJ: (moaning) turn right on California Ave. (soft breathy voice) its the 3rd house on the left

Inspector: phone sexing driving directions is so not sexy. you can stop now.

how to NOT be supportive of your girlfriend

Lilly: i have akombucha bottle that wants to explode.. the carbon gas got too much. i tried to take the lid off but the pressure was too great and now it is making sounds. i put it in the trash can to absorb most of the explosion.

LBF: poor you living in constant fear of a carbonated drink thats just a terrible working environment

Lilly: you sound like you might be mocking me...it is hard to tell with your accent

Lilly: it is a GLASS bottle! i could be injured

LBF: WHAT??? I didn't know it was glass!!!

Lilly: I don't like the cut of your jib

LBF: GET OUT OF THERE!!!

Lilly: ok now i'm definitely sensing some snark

pretty people don't need skills

SJ tells roomie that Roomie looks good today.

Roomie: ok i feel much better now. i was having a rough start to my morning.

SJ: yeah looking that good can be troubling im sure

Roomie: no i mean work is going poorly but now that i'm pretty i don't need to be good at my job

Validate here

Lily: I just sent you two pictures of my new outfit that i'm wearing to work today. Please check your phone immediately and validate my self esteem.