Hired!

Client: Something tells me you are just one heart beat shy of being Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. You don't carry around ice picks do you?

Roomie: I don't need ice picks. I have high heels.

You are never happy. you must be up to something.

Coworker: You walk around smiling like you just played a practical joke on the world.

Roomie: Maybe I"m just happy

Coworker: No...that isn't it...

So I have a random question...

Monday Morning Meeting...
Roomie: (raises hand) - um, so...uh...does anyone have any contacts at the Peruvian embassy?

Great. Let's proceed.

Criminal Defendant: Habla Espanol?

Friend/District Attorney: Nein. Sprechen sie deutsch?

Criminal Defendant: (Shakes head no...)

Friend/District Attorney: Well, now we are both disappointed. Let's proceed.

I apparently have no heart. (and his is weak)

FL: So I invited my dad to come to my race this sunday. His response: Ugh don't like crowds. Plus are you sure you can run something like that? Arent you looking for a job?"... FML

Roomie: tell him you dont need a job. His health isn't that great and you expect to be in the will.

Hypothetically speaking

Roomie: I hope you move [to DC].

Friend: I'd really love to. I have a feeling I would thrive there. Or end up in a huge scandal by accidentally dating a married congressman or senator.

Roomie: that isn't really scandeous anymore. It certainly isn't scandelous for the mistress in any event.

Friend: Well, I'd feel badly.

Roomie: Right. because you are a good person. I would use it to progress my career and assume the wife knew what she was getting when she married a politician.

Friend: I'd like to be a senators wife one day and I'd be livid if my hypothetical senator husband ever cheated on me.

Roomie: I promise not to be his hypothetical mistress.

Friend: Thanks. Just throwing this out there: if you are ever my hypothetical husband's hypothetical mistress, I will hypothetically kill you and make it so they never find your body. Hypothetically speaking, of course. And i'd expect no less from you if the hypothetical roles were reversed.

failure to read may lead to blindness

jacey: life lesson: be sure to read the full label, don't just stop at "sensitive eyes." fmg. just put hard contact cleanser in my eye. still burns after 5 min of flushing eye with cold water.

lilly: that sucks! i have totally done that before i thought my eyeball was going to melt.

jacey: it's like my eye will hurt forever!!!

lilly: yeah, it takes a long time! put an ice pack on it to ease the burn a bit.

next day...

jacey: puddy made me a pirate eye patch.

lilly: glad to year you are recovering with a little flair.

having your priorities in check in mature world

jacey: so my dad tests me just now that there's another oil rig explosion in the gulf. i open cnn to look at the news and feel torn over what i should read first: 1. oil platform explodes in gulf, 2. rapper t.i. and wife arrested in LA, or 3. injury on set of transformers 3.

lilly: what happened on transformers???

jacey: update: 1. may not be active rig, not clear if oil leak risk at this point, all humans accounted for, 2. pot, 3. only an extra, serious head injury.

lilly: thank god it was only an extra. and who cares about pot anyways. oh and um, good for those people surviving... if it wasn't active why would it explode? idle things don't just combust.