don't all BFFs have an anthem?

Friend:  I think maybe our new bffship anthem should be the jumper by third eye blind, because we're often talking each other off the ledge.  Only I've changed some lyrics to more accurately reflect our friendship.  For example, instead of, "if you do not want to see me again I would understand, " I've amended that to say "I will hunt you down."  There are other amendments too but that's prob. the most important!

Ebola IS making a comeback

Friend:  This morning i thought i might have ebola, because my nose was bleeding.  And I thought to myself , woowoo, nose, eyeballs next.  It's over.

Lent

Friend: What did you give up for lent this year?

Roomie 1:  I gave up cinnamon rolls and chips.  For about one milisecond i considered no alcohol and then was like "woah woah woah! lets not get drastic!"

this is why real mail is awesome

Roomie 1 received a late valentines day card from her friend....

the card says:  when we are together, words are unnecessary....much like pants!  (and it is a picture of two monkeys without pants on...)

Friend says:  

This card is awesome on so many levels.  I made sure the friend monkey had swoopy bangs, you know, so it captures my "hair essence."  But I would NEVER dye my hair blue...Anyways, we've definitely gone on vacay sans pants, so this card is accurate.

I'm so not getting the deportation job.  Bush league.  This economy deserves a nice hard cock punch.  Because we are so clearly fabulous and deserving of jobs (lawyer jobs and not babysitting and retail).  I bought this for you on Valentine's day.  It was like the gimpy tree that Linus bought in the Charlie Brown Xmas, but it's effing hilarious.  Not a left over.  So really, this card is a metaphor for us.  We should've been bought already but for God knows why we are a leftover card for someone awesome to buy.  Which brings me to my next point, let's go back to the dominican or some other tropical place and spend our days (on the lamb for defaulting on our loans) laying on the beach trying not to get kidnapped to a 3rd world country where we'd be sold into white slavery.

I miss you.  Jack!  S-S-S-So---C-C-C-Cold!  J-J-Jack!  It's snowing 4-8 inches tonight which is total BS.  If we're ever drowning in the ocean and you don't share your life raft, I will die just so I can come back and haunt you.   I will always share my life raft, unless you have ebola.  Then you're dying anyways and I don't want to get that shit.  Your eyes bleed. Eeew.  

I should never have left (California).  This sucks camel balls.  I miss you!

so that is the secret to winning!

Security guy: Yeah, they didn't set up toilets for us so Astana let us use their bus!

Roomie 1: Awesome! Did you get some souveniers?

Security guy: no. I didn't even know where to start.  The bus was completely packed with that warming gel stuff...what's it called?  Oh! KY Jelly!

Roomie 1: HAHAHA.  KY Jelly! Awesome! So that is how they get their legs so shiny!

Other guy:  Uh, you are thinking of something different...they don't use KY to warm up their legs

Roomie 1: So they don't use KY yours and mine?

Sexy Beast

Roomie 1: (belches indelicately)

Roomie 2: Apparently it is NOT possible to contain so much sexiness in one body.

good point

Roomie 1: Are you putting makeup on to go to the grocery store to buy vodka so we can come back and drink in the hotel room.

Roomie 2: Yes.

Roomie 1: Um...Ok...

Roomie 2: You never know who is going to be there!

Roomie 1: True, but I do know that whoever is there, you won't talk to them anyway.

Roomie 2: Damnit.

and sour patch kids aren't real kids either...

Postal worker:  Anything perishable?

Friend:  Yes, swedish fish.

Postal worker: (looking shocked) wait, there are fish in here?! you're MAILING fish????

Friend: Well they aren't alive fish!  they are swedish fish...

Postal Worker: Is that like gefilte fish?

Friend: No, this is for valentine's day, not shabbas

Postal Worker:  But they're fish?

Friend: No, they are SWEDISH FISH!

Postal worker: so, they are swedish fish...

Friend: Yes!

Postal Worker:  Which are fish...?

Friend: No! They are candy!

Postal Worker:  Fish candy?

Friend:  Fish-shaped candy!  They're swedish fish!

Postal worker:  Fish shaped fish candy?

Friend:  They don't TASTE like fish...they are red and gummy and delicious...Swedish fish....they are gummies...

Postal Worker:  That's not perishable

Friend:  Are you sure?

Postal Worker:  Your fish candy should be safe.

Friend:  Its not fish...

I'll need a signing bonus to purchase a machine gun

Friend: How much would it suck to live in Oakland?

Roomie 1: It would suck mucho

Friend:  The only pro I can see to living there is proximity to sac, napa and sf

Roomie 1:  Like, I think T.I. lived there and that was why he needed machine guns

Friend:  Shit.  If I register it, can I have a machine gun?

HR experience

Friend: I wonder If I could get a job as an HR specialist

Roomie 1:  Why not? You are totally good at judging people.  You can totally tell if people will be douchey.  I base this solely on your ability to like me and not like my enemies.

chocloate covered despair!

Friend: Right now I have a pyrex of melted chocolate next to me and I"m dipping licorice in it.

Roomie: Mmmm. Chocolate.  Chocolate makes everything better.  If I could dip my jobless despair in chocolate the world would be so much easier!

Don't be a hero. Heros die early

Friend:  I'm looking at this job with disaster relief, and i'm sort of thinking "this would be cool, except if disaster strikes i need to get the fuck out of dodge.  I'm too young to die.  I hope they have a helicopter and a personal security team for me."

Roomie 1: Dibs on life!

Friend: Exactly! Dude, if I get a job with disaster relief i'm totally bedazzling that onto all my underwear.

Friend:  Um, at this point whenever I start looking at jobs I start feeling an impending sense of doom and wondering how bad it will really be when i have to live in a homeless shelter.

Roomie 1: Dude, I just got turned down for donating plasma.  

Friend:  And not even that, i'm going to be like will smith living in a bathroom, but there won't be a cute kid there telling me it will all be okay and i'm probably not as smart as the guy he was playing in that movie, so basically i'll live in a bathroom and die from sepsis or something.  I'm not even sure what sepsis is but it sounds gross.

Roomie 1:  Oh man.  I'll be there in that bathroom with you and I promise to tell you it will all be ok.  But it definitely won't.  Especially when we get sepsis.

Friend:  Law school was a poor call.

Roomiw 1: Most def.

Well we would definitely bond

Friend: I"m afraid i'll get a call from Hot Guy (how, I haven't figured out) that you're dead abroad and its all Crazy's fault.  And then Hot Guy and I will have to venture abroad to collect your body (obviously that would fall to us...) and Crazy will end up on that tv show "locked up abroad" for killing you...

(Roomie 1 relays the message to Hot Guy...and promised to leave Friend's number with Hot Guy in the event Roomie 1 leaves the country...)

Hot Guy: Awesome.  I like friend.  But it will be a good experience to bring Friend and I closer...so tell her to look on that bright side...

Friend: I like Hot Guy too.  And I think it will bring us closer.  I've always wanted to go abroad.  I'll be a hot commodity there, it's like being a blonde in an asian country.  Being a short chubby brunette in the land of freaky long blonde models!

Roomie 1: You are NOT short and chubby

Friend: Abroad I'm short and chubby.  They are all like 7 feet tall and size 0 with D cup boobs.

2 years experience required

Friend: Um, here's how tired my eyes are....I just read a job title that said "patent examiner" and i thought it said "panty examiner" and i thought to myself, "man, that'd be low...work in a factory as a quality control inspector for panties...wait...why is the federal government looking to hire someone to inspect panties?

911

911 Dispatcher: This is 911. What's your emergency?

Roomie: Yes, I'm driving on the Benecia bridge, northbound...

911 Dispatcher: It this about the Christmas tree?

Roomie: Um, yes. Yes it is.

Homes? Sign me up!

Friend: want to join the Air Force or Coast Guard with me?

Roomie 1:  Um... Not really...

Friend:  Are you sure? They'll give us homes...and probably be willing to hire us...

Plan B

Roomie 1: I'm pretty fn depressed that our class has an X% employment rating and I can't get an fn job.

Friend: Um, that X% includes me working at the bakery...

Roomie 1: Yeah but I can't even get those types of jobs!  I"m a big LOSER.  I'm hoping i get knocked up by someone in Sweden and they feel guilty enough to support me.  Otherwise I'll sell the baby and try to turn a profit.

what do you mean grownups don't get spring break??

Friend:  I"m thinking about taking spring break to visit roomie.

Friend's Dad:  Um...can i ask you something?

Friend: What am I taking a break from?

Friend's Dad: Yes

Friend: My difficult life?

I regret...

Dear Dean,

I have not had any job since graduation.  I have done a few babysitting gigs but I don't think that counts.  Thanks again for the oh-s0-useful law degree and the crippling debt.

Sincerely,

Me