round 1: criminal law

friend: uh, the deputy standing on the other side of the door to my courtroom just checked to make sure the door is locked and unhooked the latch that holds his gun in its holster. he's drumming his fingers and in the ready stance.

roomie: maybe now is a good time for a bathroom break.

a minute later.

friend: done, and now there are 8 deputies in my courtroom. homicide sentencing.

roomie: nothing exciting like that ever happens in corporate law.

britney murphy is dead

jacey calls brother to discuss their christmas gift for dad.

brother: britney murphy is dead. i just threw up.

jacey: liar.

brother: no really, i just threw up.

jacey: was it a drug overdose? if you threw up it was not britney murphy related. how was last night?

brother: they didn't say. you're right, they were unrelated. it was awesome.

Best. Wedding. EVER

Friend: I had a dream about you and Hot Guy...you were getting married...to Hot Guy...and i was like "wait, but roomie... he's gay and NOT your boyfriend/fiancee/husband....!" and you said, "he's not really gay, he just says that..."

Friend: and i woke up like, "wait, is Friend marrying her gay sometimes best friend?"

Roomie: well i promise if i ever say i'm marrying him you can kidnap me and/or ruin the wedding

Friend: i apologize right now for the fact that if you marry him i will absolutely stand up with a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't marry him when the priest asks people if they want to hold their peace.

Roomie: I would expect nothing less from you - marrying him would be the dumbest thing i've ever done

Friend: and it won't matter if you don't invite me, i'll find out.

Friend: and i'll show up.

Friend: even if there are bouncers, i'll take them out.

Roomie: i'd have to invite you. you are supposed to be maid of honor lol. i'd be like "let the shit show begin!"

Friend: "Friend, i luh him." "STFU! i will punch you in the ovaries. DON"T MAKE ME WATERBOARD YOU!!!"

Friend: splash. "what are we doing today?!!!" "i'm marrying hot gu---" SPLASH "help help! stop! pleas-glub glub glub--plea--glub glub, SPLASH!!--i hate him! i hate him!" "WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?!!!" "i'm marryin--SPLASH!! glub glub glub" "WHAT RE WE DOING TODAY!!!????" "silence..." "Roomie? Roomie??!!??!! oh shit... Mr Attorney? hey, it's Friend, yes, i know you're engaged... i have a problem... i need you to help me hide a body..."

talk about akward turtle

Roomie: Does your dad write jingles for a living?

Kfed: (Confused)...my dad is dead. Why?

Roomie: Uh..I was trying to figure out if you were the hugh grant character from About a Boy...Sorry...

They have bars for THOSE people?

Nurse: Had a great time with friends in sac last night

Roomie: What the deuce! I was in sac last night...(but only for like 2 hours before I headed to the city)

Nurse: lol you are always zipping back and forth between the two!

Roomie: I know. I am just SO in demand! Its getting hard juggling a social life in 2 different cities. Lol. Jk. Glad you had a good time!!

Nurse: thanx! ur always zipping around visiting all the gays!

Roomie: Lol omg don't tell my parents ok??? They don't know I only have gay friends...I actually hung out with STRAIGHT people in sf. It was so weird. Do you know there are bars for THOSE people? With no dancing. And lots of popped collars...

Nurse: lmao!!!! that's funny! straight people (not including you) are so boring right!

Best friend Request ever!

Facebook: "Roomie, Mr. X added you as a friend"

Facebook Friend Request Message from Mr. X: "Oh my god...I'm back...don't ever leave me again...I just remembered to check my old email for you last name...lol BABY!"

(Mr. X is a name I don't know...but after that message, how could I not add him??? btw he did turn out to be a friend of mine - I just knew him by another (fake) name.)

hmmm...should I file this under drunk texting?

Friend: (text 1 - 5:02:21 PM): Baka laka Daka

Friend: (text 2 - 5:02:39 PM): Sitka Dirka

Friend: (text 3 - 5:02:54 PM): Booooooiooooooioze.

One man's garbage...

Kfed: Want to see my car! Its awesome!

Roomie: Uh, sure!

(go into garage - see a chevy...)

Kfed: Its a limited edition Dale Earnheardt! There are only 4000 of them made!!

Roomie: Wow! And you havet he only one north of the Mason Dixon line! Congrats!

Kfed: (blink,blink, pause)...Thanks!

Round One : Me

Roomie: and yet...i was going to dress up as a slutty 8 year old to drive 6 hours to party with a gay man i don't know in a city i am unfamiliar with wchihc is dangerously close to the mexican border...OH and i'd be doing all of this as a british citizen so i could stay in a hostel.

DC: Well when you put it that way....

Roomie: SO when i wake up in mexico with a gay man dressed as a slutty 8 year old, I will go on a tour fo a tequila factory and then i'll not be able to get back into america

Roomie: bc i won't be an american...haha

Roomie: OMG i HAVE to go to LA! that sounds like THE BEST STORY EVER! holy crap! i think i convinced myself with the tour of the tequila factory

Roomie: i really know how to play on my own weaknesses

DC: wow. you won your arguemtn with yourself because you played up to your own weaknesses. that is pretty amazing

SWF seeks...

Roomie: but i'm trying to figure out how to get to la bc i wanna see him. anyone who can wake up in a casino with no recollection of checking in, down a grand, minus a car and missing all the buttons off his shirt...all without abusing drugs? that is my kind of man...

DC: Yeah. No doubt. That is a man after my own sordid heart.

WOW. all i can say here is WOW.

Friend: Let me break it down for you. It is 415 your time. Here’s what it is time to do. Answer the phone close the door to your office. Turn off the lights. All you have to do is anytime you hear footsteps all you need to do is go no, no, yes, that is not what we are doing on that file, I understand I understand uh huh uh huh and then pretend we are talking about something business related. That is how its going to have to be my friend because I haven’t talked to you in for fucking ever because I go to sleep to early for you bc I am ridiculous. And you drive to work after I am already at work. I drive to work while you are still sleeping and I drive home from work while you are still at work and you drive home from work while I am eating dinner and then by that time I am basically ready for bed.

In conclusion you will have to pretend we are talking business and randomly have conversations that involve “NO mr. so and so I do not have that file for you” flawless plan and I don’t see how this could possibly backfire.

In the event you want to move here, I am pretty sure I could get a job for you in Child Support and you would actually be making more money than me. So, that would be nice for you and we could work together so you could be making more money than me with my friend who is great and would like you and is a straight female. Which is a huge bonus. And then…oh god Now I can just see you surrounded by baby daddies bc your luck they would all love you and you would be like “oooh baby….”


CALLS BACK….Gets disconnected…texts…”your phone hates me”

just a little spritz

Roomie tells story about creeper...

Guy: How do you FIND these people? You must be giving off a scent...

Roomie: Maybe I should stop wearing Eau'd desparate young boy...

more texts from last night

friend (10:59 pm): how were drinks, mah luuuuuuuv?

friend (12:50am): i live tequilla.

friend (12:50am): love. p.

friend (12:51am): like sands through the hour glass.

coworker (12:24pm next day): friend, you hangin in there?

texts from last night

friend (12:56am): i love tequilla. if i'm bring jm Nnest, it's pro babih my best fdiens.

friend (12:57am): bff

friend (12:57am): what i'm swing here is were close. like peas ane carrots.

roomie (12:35 pm next day): Dear Friend, please check your outgoing messages from last night. Haha.

friend: already did. you got the gems.

roomie: lmao. Classic!

a girl can dream

Roomie: when we are billionaires we can drive lazy boys around our estates

DC: YES or more importantly our servants can drive them for us

Roomie: yes we can have the annual servant games to see who gets the coveted position of lazboy driver

DC: YES!!!! feats of strength! matches of wit mixing of drink competitions with Medals! for us to wear, not them

Roomie: OMG the future is so beautiful. I think i might cry!

they have an excellent 30 day return or exchange policy

New Roomie: I am going to go check the PO box before class tonight.

Roomie: Ok. Let me know if my mail order husband came.

New Roomie: If he is cute and not gay I'm keeping him.

Roomie: They better not send another gay. I JUST returned the last one!

More proof I was destined to be single

Clingy: Hi

Roomie: Hi (Roomie avoided him for 2 days and it got her NOWHERE so lets try talking to him)

Clingy: How are you.

Roomie: Sick. Tired. Just got home from work at 9pm.

Clingy: Awwww. Sick? What happened?

Roomie: What happened? I don't know. I'm going to go with a virus infiltrated my body and now my white blood cells are fighting it off while leaving me feeling crummy. I could be wrong though.

Clingy: I can fix that.

Roomie: What?

Clingy: I can make you feel better

Roomie: Not unless you can write prescriptions.

Clingy: What do you need?

Roomie: Xanax and vicodin

Clingy: How about I write a prescription for a Date? With me?

Roomie: No thanks. I'd rather have the xanax and vicodin.

Clingy: How about a date tonight

Roomie: Are you retarded? It is 930 already and I just told you that I am sick and tired. I don't want to go on a date.

Clingy: But a date will make you feel better. I make a mean soup.

Roomie: Listen. If you want to go out with me you have to plan in advance. I am a very very busy person. I wkae up at 5 am EVERY morning. If I'm not goint to work I'm going to a race or I am training. I want to be in bed by 10pm every night. including friday night. I work late hours. But if you give me a day and a time for dinner I can arrange to be there. Also I am vegan. So if that is too much work for you, that is fine. We can just be friends.

Clingy: That isn't too much work for me. So do you want to go out with me?

Roomie: Haven't we had this conversation a MILLION times? Seriously.

Clingy: Ok. Well it seems like you don't want to go out with me so I am just checking.

Roomie: I just told you I would go out with you. LIke 30 seconds ago.

Clingy: Friday 5pm to 10pm

Roomie: Are you serious?

Clingy: Yes :)

Roomie: Absolutely not. but out of curiousity what would we be doing.

Clingy: I don't know.

Roomie: See, that isn't planned. Also a 5 hour date is ridiculous. And the very earliest I get out of work would be 530 so then I have to go home and shower and change and then drive to meet you.

Clingy: I could pick you up.

Roomie: I don't want you to knmow where i live

Clingy: I could pick you up at work

Roomie: Then I don't get to shower and change.

Clingy: You could shower at my place

Roomie: I'd rather have the xanax and vicodin

Clingy: OK so Friday 7-10

Roomie: How about next tuesday. Dinner at 7pm. And then I go home after dinner.

Clingy: You are the one backing out now!!!

Roomie: No. if i was backing out I would say "i changed my mind. I don't want to date you. Thanks for playing." I am unavailable on Friday so I offered another day but if this is how the date will be maybe I should say "thanks for playing but you have been eliminated."

Clingy: haha. I was just giving you a hard time. don't worry. Don't feel bad.

Roomie: What?

Clingy: Tuesday MIGHT work for me. I'll have to check my schedule

Roomie: You do that. Oh and fyi if you call me tuesday afternoon asking to hang out the answer will be no because I will have made other plans.

This is why I don't date

Clingy: Hi

Roomie: hello

Clingy: How are you?

Roomie: Good. Working. You?

Clingy: Same.

Clingy: I was gonna c if u wanted to hang out but it seems you are occupied.

Roomie: Sorry. one of the downfalls of having a job is you have to show up

Clingy: I wasn't saying now, silly. I have a job too.

Roomie: Ok. well we can do dinner but I can't stay out late because I have a race tomorrow morning and one on sunday morning as well.

Clingy: :(

Roomie: Maybe we can see a movie this weekend. i will check my afternoon schedules.

Clingy: :( What time? I didn't dress for the occassion.

Roomie: Sometime I am free tomorrow. i said I would check my schedule. And weekend doesn't mean friday because I have a JOB so you don't have to worry about what you are wearing today

Clingy: how long is your run?

Roomie: 3.5 miles on saturday plus a 3 hour bike ride and then 3.1 and 6.2 mile runs on Sunday

Clingy: damn that is hardcore

Roomie: NO ANSWER

.....1 hour later...
Clingy: Sup? :)

Roomie: NO ANSWER

... Half an hour later...
Clingy: Busy?

roomie: Yes. Very. I am in meetings until 6pm

Clingy Damn. I was gonna c if u wanted to hang out?

Roomie: Haven't we already had this conversation? I am very very busy at work right now and will be in meeting until 6pm. Sorry.

Clingy: No response.

lumberjacks have feelings too

roomie: Note to self: shave BOTH legs...

friend: haha, i had to shave my lower legs twice in the shower bc i did such a bad job the first try. i washed my hair and shaved though, i feel nearly human again!

roomie: i need to bathe. Bad. and shave right thigh beard. it appears i was going for the lumberjack right leg look.

friend: sexay!

sorry to hear you have ebola

friend: my eyes have been watering for no apparent reason for a little while and i keep reaching up to make sure there isn't blood seeping out of my eyes Ebola style. Because that's how the media has made me view swine flu-- Ebola esque.

roomie: hahaha. don't eye bleed please. i won't be your friend when that happens. i'll still talk to you on the phone but not in public.

friend: well i'm pretty sure you die shortly after the eye bleeding starts. that's how it goes in movies.

roomie: thanks god. I won't feel like a bad friend then.

friend: well at least you'll feel better.

roomie: yea. oh. i mean, except for the crushing despair at losing you...

good people.

*following a particularly kind venting session*

roomie: God I love karma.

friend: we sound like such good people in this convo. If I relay this story I will make our characters much more sympathetic.

roomie: lmao. I just scrolled down and was like, "if I didn't know me I would think I was Satan."

friend: haha. check.

the grape debate

friend: i hope the grapes i'm eating to soothe my throat don't make me sick.

roomie: lol. i hope you don't end up with swine flu AND grape stomach ache.

friend: that would suck camel balls.

roomie: for sure. and i would DEF write that on your wall.

friend: i would be forced to write about pb herpes on yours then.

roomie: hahahhahahaha.

friend: "sorry to hear about your latest herp outbreak. hope the pb was worth it."

roomie: "that was just something roomie 2 made up!!"

friend: "to cover the real reason roomie has the herp!"

roomie: if she hadn't brought all those gays into my life...

friend: once again the gays are a scapegoat.

roomie: if they didn't want to be blamed they shouldn't take our men and dress so well.

Give me a little credit here.

Roomie: My tv is stuck on tv guide channel. Cant get it to change channels but magically it can turn on and off and the volume goes up and down with the remote...

Friend: I have a magic trick that will fix that

Roomie: Which is?

Friend: Get off your ass, walk over to the tv, press the channel up or down button.

Roomie: Doesn't work. The TV has to stay on Channel 3 and the other channels are cable.

Friend: Try the cable box buttons?

Roomie: There aren't any. It is just a little cable that runs to the wall. No box in my room.

Friend: Haha your Box is Mia?

Words to live by

Friend: Did I tell you they shoved something up my nose to test for flying pig flu?

Roomie: NO! Better the nose than the arse though!

Can't you just say "good" like a normal person?

Friend: How was your day?

Roomie: My day was OK. I am very busy with a huge request for production of documents which is vague and not limited in time or scope but that I still have to get the documents for

Friend: Laaaammeee opposing counsel.

Roomie: Also saw pics of new guy on facebook with a bunch of dirty hippies. Confirms my suspicion that he is a damn dirty liar.

Friend: Laaammmeerrr new guy.

Roomie: But I have two races this weekend and a movie date with Slightly Older Someone Elses Mom who Went back to School!

Friend: Fun!!

Maybe try a new haircut?

Friend: My mom: You look like hell. My response: This is somehow supposed to make me feel better?

Roomie: Haha. I usually say "Thanks. You too." Sadly I get the "you look like hell" comment to have a comeback

Not funny yet?

Friend: (text 1) I can't believe you posted on facebook that i have swine flu.

Friend: (text 2) Fail.

Friend: (text 3) FortunatlyI can play it off to my bro, "yeah everyone goes the swine flu route when you say you have the flu" Otherwise I'd never live it down.

Friend (text 4) Yesterday after my mom told him I was sick he called to tell me death statistics about the flu and then followed up with a woman who was dead for 3 hours from drowning in a frozen river, was brought back and had no permanent brain damage. Wanted to let me know she didn't remember anything from when she was dead.

Roomie: I read that article! She fell in an ice hole while skiing in europe!

Let's revisit life rehab

Friend: (email at 730 am her time): "Hey Friend, why are you late for work? Oh you know, the ush. Tried anat home waxing kit ten min before I was sposed to leave."

Roomie: (replies at 530 am her time): Dude I was supposed to be at work in...2 minutes. And I am [not] dressed. Just got out of shower. And when I leave it is 30 min to work minimum. Awesome.

Friend: Adding to the self wax fail, didn't get all the wax off and when i just went to pee my unders were stuck to the wax remnants, so apparently each time I pee today it'll start out with ripping wax off. Awesome

Roomie: LOL. dear god we are awesome.I was emailing you this am from my phone. while sitting in my undies on the floor of my room eating cheerios. and at that point i was already late for work. hahaha

Friend: Two words: life rehab.

you know it's bad when this is a glowing recommendation for friendship...

roomie: (sending friend article about homicide) I need new friends. I know the suspect, his friend, and the victim. yowza.

friend: friend, stop judging my friends.

roomie: touche

friend: haha. yes. you very much do need new friends. call "other friend," she's straight and non-homicidal.

We are having a baby???

Roomie: So my Dominican lover sent me an email. He said :
" you were very nice with me,i so sorry to write you latethis is my phon number xxx-xxx-xxxx please call me"
So my instant thought was "oh god. We are having a baby. Fuck"
and then I was like "wait. He can't get pregnant...oh no!! I am pregnant!!!"
and then I said "oh no no. I am not pregnant. I would have noticed being 13 months pregnant. Uh oh. He gave me an Std! No!!!!"
but then I remembered we didn't have sex.
So my conclusion is that he is now working a phone scam and trying to get me to call so he can try to steal my money and rack up all these phone charges.

everyday heroes.

after discussing mutual twihard status...

friend: god, i am lame. i can't believe i reread some of the books. i am so lame.

roomie: whatever. i have the books on tape.

friend: haha. thanks god we're friends. otherwise i might die of shame. but knowing we're lame together makes it better.

roomie: lol. i am glad i am saving your life by preventing you from dying of shame.

friend: thanks. hero.

roomie: lol. that's a fact.

friend: you saved my life by being lame too.

roomie: lol. i am watching ghost rider. i AM lame.

friend: you ARE.

roomie: i was like what is this movie with nic cage as a stunt man? looks good. Wtf? demons? where did they come from?

healthy eating strikes again

roomie: recounting a junk food binge.

friend (hopped up on caffeine and twitching): mmm, donuts. i ate 3 m&ms and a granola bar.

friend: i'm kidding. that's sort of a quote from clueless, maybe. i'm not really sure what the line is, but that's the gist of it.

roomie: lol. 3 peanut m&ms.

friend: is that it? that would be better, because there's protein.

two can play at this game

well intentioned friend:  so are you going to darken your hair now?

asshole roommate:  kkkkwkkkkwwwkwwwkkkwkwkwkwwwkkkkwkwkw (makes static noises).  weird.  you cut out. 

later...

asshole roommate:  are you still there?  did you figure that a good way to end this conversation was to just stop talking and pretend to not be there?  

well intentioned friend:  oh.  uh.  sorry, i was sending a text.  you seemed to be on a roll, so it seemed like a good time to text someone else.

maternal instincts

DC: you feel bad for leaveing a kid that is not yours. how lamesauce

Roomie: I know. I know. Its like I have some weird mothering gene.

Hey - Just because i'm not qualified doesn't mean I can't apply

Roomie 1: Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to you in response to the position you posted on XXXXXX website. Although I do not have 10 years experience working with the United Nations, I feel that my internship in criminal law has adequately prepared me for this... (cover letter continues...)

way to point out that he doesn't love me

Roomie 1's away message: Waiting for Tiberius.

Roomie 2: Why are you still waiting for Tiberius, btw? He's clearly not coming.

Roomie 1: Hahaha. Fuck you.

Here is my button. Please push it.

Roomie 2: why do you provoke me!

Roomie 1:
its fun
i have no other friends?
you react SO WELL! ALL CAPS!
I can just hear you saying the words as you type them and cussing audibly in the office
how many reasons do you want?
i was never loved as a child so i only know how to show affection by irritating people?

Roomie 2: lmao this is another good moment for stupid roomie - FYI

Roomie 1: are you that busy that you can't post it? i can do it if i must...i'm really busy sending my work to real attorneys though

Roomie 2: i have so many emails to delete, Roomie 1. God!I can't do everything!

shopping for RoadIDs

Roomie 2: I need someone to feel confident as they scoop my brains off the concrete

Roomie 1: Those aren't brains...its a smooshed jelly donut.

You have a soul...a funny one....

Roomie 2:it's true you will be our entertainment in hell

Roomie 1: i have a throne waiting for me and a crown and everything. i won't even get a hearing. i die and the slide to my throne in hell opens up immediately

Roomie 2: I don't think they give you a slide to hell - that would be too smooth a trip. I feel like a trap door opens beneath you and you just plummet to your doom

Roomie 1: puhlease i am their queen they will at least cusion my fall with the bodies of all the poor souls i've screwed over

Roomie 2: no, those poor bastards are going to heaven but I will cushion your fall - because we are friends

Roomie 1: you are a good person. i hope you die before me.

Roomie 2: hahaha thanks

Roomie 1: (so you can cushion my fall of course)

what was that?

Roomie: i am going to take. Cab to your house

Hot Guy: Are you that drunk? I can come pick you up lol.

Roomie: i am that drink lol. u am at badlands if youq any to come. or u will take cab

new low?

Roomie 1: Things I googled today: How to smuggle alcohol into the zoo. How to smuggle alcohol into the fair. How to smuggle alcohol into the bar.

Friend: Classy. Actually, Klassy.

Facebook Police

New Girl: i havent checked my mail (like real mail from a post office) in over a month, im currently staring at my mailbox with anxiety

Random Chick: Bills

Roomie 2: Subpoenas

Random Chick 2: Stalkers

Roomie 1: Severed finger and a ransom note.

New Girl: LOL - it was 1 PG&E bill, 1 trash/water/sewer bill for $86 (WTF), an Ikea catalog, and 348979384578934787348953489398 coupons/flyers for pizza/fast food/randoms

Roomie 1: Hmm. I guess my ransom note hasn't arrived then. Maybe tomorrow.

New Girl: LOL, i'll probably get it when i check my mail again in october

Roomie 1: WHAT?! October? Wtf am I supposed to do with this kid until then??? This ransom thing is not as easy as it sounds on tv

Roomie 2: Not to mention that the finger is going to smell pretty bad by then. And the smell will permeate all the mail in the box until the Postman reports you to the police, which means you probably should do anything illegal until you check your mail next, just in case the police show up and identify a particular "smell", using it to declare probable cause and search your place. Police are trouble...

New Girl: LOL!! play hungry hungry hippos/monopoly/hide & seek or something until i check it again?! hahaha .. they like cartoons too .. OOH CONNECT FOUR!!!!!!!!good thing im friends with lawyers for a heads up on this kind of crap, hahahahaha

Roomie 2: This reminds me that I read the other day about the IRS surfing people's FB pages to find tax evaders, and it's working. This leads me to think law enforcement folks might do the same thing looking for other types of criminals...but then again, the State no longer has enough money to prosecute or hold the criminals it has been finding the old fashioned way, so there probably isn't much to fear

Roomie 2: not that we are engaging in illegal FB activity....

Roomie 1: Lol. Disclaimer to the police reading New Girl's facebook page....I did not send a finger to her and I am not holding any children hostage...seriously...

Roomie 1:hey...new girl...i have this new "babysitting" gig. wanna come over and help out? there is some leftover candy in it for you...

Roomie 2: But if you want to help "babysit", it's gonna cost you...

New Girl: LOL omg when i get a knock on my door from the fucking po-lice i will kill you two(OH SHIT I JUST MADE A DEATH THREAT! LOL)

Roomie 1: If you get arrested, I will totally defend you. Unless I am your codefendant in which case I will totally throw you under the bus! I also can't defend you if I am dead but if you get arrested over this I would absolutely forgive you for shanking me in court with a homemade shiv you managed to conceal somewhere on your body.

New Girl: well, good to know we have a couple game plans! LOL

Roomie 2: Besides, as long as your death threat isn't made against the President, it;s highly unlikely anyone will care.Oh, and hide the razor blade under your tongue. No one will look there.

New Girl: have you two had some sort of experience with prison life before or something?! LOL
11 hours ago

Roomie 1: Dude. They check for razor blades under the tongue. Make a shiv. Just hide it pointy side down if you catch my drift...

Why did I stop talking to him?

Dear Roomie:

No worries, based on the situation I was skeptical that it would happen. Either way it's good to hear from you, and I look forward to when we can grab a drink, but who knows I might be on the wagon by then.

What part of Northern California are are talking about San Fran, Sac-Town, Modesto, because it's a big state and I'd hate to find myself somewhere in Cali where I can't see at least one friend. And I'll be honest, I kind of hate that state, but it's not in the Top 5 of states that I'd most like to see secede.

Top 5: Hawaii (far away and belongs to the natives), Alaska (They want out and weird fucking people), Texas (people suck, arrogant, ignorant etc, except might seek to find a way to keep Austin), Florida (this might change if it turns out health care does in fact include death panels), Nevada (it's a fucking desert and I hope Las Vegas is wiped from the face of the Earth in some sort of biblical reckoning).

Good luck on your job applications in Colorado, this state rocks. People are drunks, it's a good bet that at least one person on the bus has a gun, and another is on or holding drugs. There's a ton of bike paths and all the fucking weirdos know that their rightful place is in Boulder, and if they are really fucking weird then they go to Nederland.
Anyways, I expect to hear from you soon, when you make it back.

-High School Pal

what? it isn't sacramento!

Army Man: I'm getting a two week break starting 26 Dec...what to do what to do? Maybe I will come home to LA and Vegas for New Year then go somewhere else for vacation...any suggesions...Roomie do not say sacramento...

Woman 1: Cabo?

Woman 2: Palm Beach!

Roomie: San Francisco?

Plastic Vodka and other sad dates

New Girl FB Status: last minute plans: does anyone want to go to the Three Olives "O-FACE" vodka release party w/me tonight? Free VODKA 8PM-11PM

Roomie comment: THIS IS WHY I AM GOING TO MARRY YOU!! dear god. i love it. sadly, i am nowhere near you and cannot go :(

New Girl comment: LOL!!AWWW roomie i wish you were closer too, that would have been fun to go with you!! i can't believe i can't find anyone else to go with now!!

Boy 1: Where is it?

New Girl: VIP Lounge, dress casual

New girl: no takers still!? LOL :(

Roomie: Do you know how much I love vodka? I seriously considered coming figuring that if I stopped drinking at 11 I would be sober enough to drive back at 4 am. Also, had to break up with ketel one this wknd and start dating skyy. Damn economy!

New Girl: LOL!! i've been closet dating GORDON's because its on sale for 11.99 for a handle .. UGGH IT'S IN PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!

Roomie: Omg. I hear you. We should have a double date sometime soon lol. If we call it dinner we can splurge on the glass bottles...

New Girl: you are amaazing!! hahaha, i would LOVE that!!

Boy 2: Plastic bottled vodka? I do feel sorry for both of you :(.

hope found!

Roomie:  I'm having a skinny day.  So even though I feel like I will end up a toothless homeless unemployed bum, at least I will be a SKINNY, homeless, unemployed bum!

hours later.

Friend:  Silver lining!

This was worse than when the dog ate my ice cream cone

Roomie: I tripped while trying to drink a soda. It spilled all over my suit and all over the stack of documents I was carrying. And Why did I cry? Not because I fell, not because my suit AND shirt were covered in soda, not because the documents I am working on are now stained and crinkly from the soda. No. I cried because I don't have 75 cents to replace my soda.

even the cars mock me

Roomie: I just saw a bumper sticker that says "Got Hope?" and i thought to myself, "hmmm...anxiety, despair, addiction, depression...nope...no hope here!"

I think i'm qualified..

"While performing the duties of this job, the employee is required to sit. The employee is occasionally required to stand; walk; use hands to finger, handle, or feel; reach with hands and arms; talk and hear; lift weight up to 20 pounds. Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perception and ability to adjust focus"

How to sell your self in today's job market

Friend: At least you've gotten hits on your resume. Mine has been up forever. Of course I hadn't listed my bar admission...

Roomie: lol right...I think it will help now that you have that listed. Also, mine is titled "cheap desperate aassociate attorney" which tends to draw in some curious people.

Friend: Ah, mine's under my name. I guess I should change it to "associate attorney who will work for hot man with money."

Roomie: Yes! That will get more hits. Or "Attractive female associate attorney eager to prove herself"

Friend: Or, I could be accurate. "Average looking female in decent shape but could stand to lose 10 or more pounds seeks grown up lawyer job no more retail please."

Roomie: No No No. 1) you are not average. 2) this is like online dating. You are expected to lie. The HR person reading it is a lonely middle aged balding man living in his parents basement. Give him a reason to pick up the phone.

every day is another adventure

Friend: took an experimental route home. No clue where I am.

Roomie: Haha. You are slowly turning into me! I am always lost!

Friend: False, my dear. I've been misplacing myself since long before I knew you.

Roomie: Oh good! I wouldn't want to be a bad influence. Maybe YOU caused my lack of direction!

Friend: Haha or we were naturally drawn to our adventurous spirits.

Roomie: Yes! Adventurous! Anyone can get home with GPS. Not everyone gets to explore random cities on the way home.

Friend: Exactly! I have explored at least 4 cities so far today.

sexy time? no? I die now?

Friend: Also, whenever I am in an elevator alone with a man, I think about how I will defend myself from an attack...

Roomie: Haha. I think "I wonder if we will have sex"

Friend: That is why you die first in a horror movie.

Roomie: Yeah, while you are loosening your shoe so you can use the heel to penetrate his cranium, i'm thinking about getting it on...

Friend: THAT IS TOTALLY THE METHOD I WOULD USE! It's my defense of choice.

match.com

roomie:  i am farting loudly today... and not in my office because i am in meetings all day.  so i am farting loudly in public.

friend:  haha.  you're so classy.  it's hard to believe you're single.  haha.  i love you.

roomie:  i tried to control it, but i have an ulcer.

declaring.

roomie:  if you died i would be really upset.  it would take me a LONG time to get over it.

friend:  yea, i would need time to get over you too.

*roomie gives friend the stink eye.*

that sounds valid...

friend:  "hey boss, sorry i'm late... as usual.  yes, i know i should be on time... but i was googling tomb raider costumes because i'm trying to see how much weight i have to lose by halloween.  very important you see."

roomie:  hahahahaha

friend:  and on that note... i have to shower.  but i need combat boots and leg holsters.  and implants.

Like sand through the hour glass...

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: Complicated. "gays of our lives."

Roomie: Dude. I am trying hard to get my character killed off that soap but I keep getting written back in!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: And I thought you falling down the elevator shaft would have done it!

Roomie: Seriously. That was just a really tense few episodes while all the gays gathered at badlands to wonder if I would survive!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: And then to find out you had a twin who opted to do a full brain transplant to save you and sacrifice herself...because she was a criminal on death row for murdering her husband's lover and stealing a baby...

Roomie: Holy Crap! My life is INSANE!!

Corporate Citizenship is everyone's responsibility!

Roomie: (refilling a plastic water bottle with water)

Coworker: You know, they have done studies that show that reusing plastic bottles causes cancer.

Roomie: Yeah. I know. I am just doing my part to ensure the company stays in business.

Coworker: What?

Roomie: We work for a company that makes machines that treat cancer...

Coworker: Are you serious?

Roomie: I really think you need to reevaluate what type of corporate citizen you strive to be. (walks out)

warning: this post is about poop

Roomie: I just had explosive shits. I haven't had a solid poop in 2 days. i think i have an ulcer. unrelated: I miss you.

Friend: After my day of fast food, ice cream and candy at the airport, apricots seemd like a good solution to preventing weight gain.

Roomie: MMMM...how is that going for you?

Friend: Well, this morning I woke up in horrid pain and had to poop. And now i have bad gas.

Roomie: I am so glad we can share these moments.

uh...it isn't cheating if they are gay?

Chinese lady/cook: I came out to say hi because I got your order and thought was same persons. But you have different boy. Not same boy.

(yeah, now i am the slut of the chinese restaurant who brings multiple men out to eat)

cookie?

Friend: My life is tragically pathetic. I spent the last 15 minutes organizing all my fortune cookie fortunes. In conclusion, I eat way too much asian food.

some plans

New roomie: Wanna go to the bar after work?

Roomie: no thanks. I need to save money for when Friend comes. Plus I was planning on putting on some sweats and curling up with my bottle of vodka in bed while I watch le tour.

when the AC fails turn to plan b

Guy: It was 104 twenty mins ago

Roomie: Oh. My. God. No wonder you can't sleep! Do you have AC??

Guy: FOrtunately I do. I hope we don't have brown outs. I wouldn't make it.

Roomie: If that happens I will quit my job and spend the day rubbing you down with ice.

Guy: Oh thank god. I was afraid to ask...

I love you in a creepy kind of way too, boo

Watching le tour with commentators Paul Sherwin and Phil Ligget

Roomie: Paul, I love you. And in the creepy kind of way too.

Road ID

(Commercial for Road ID comes on...explaining why you need emergency info in case you get hit by a car...because you just might be an olympic champion)

Roomie 1: I want a Road ID that says "ROOMIE 1. Not a strong swimmer." Done.

Roomie 2: so they know not to throw your body in the river when they find it?

Why are you crazies burning your bras again?

Friend: I need to marry someone really wealthy. If Mr. Attorney hadn't been crazy and already had 2 baby mamas and kids and wanted more, he could have worked.

Roomie: Haha. Minor flaw. I need to be married too. I am really upset at the women's movement. Back in the day we'd already be hitched.

Friend: I know! Maybe we should try eharmony. Those people look really happy int he commercials. I think the giant slice of oreo cake i'm working my throught might hurt my chances at being a trophy wife.

Roomie:Psh. Whatever. Everyone likes a girl who can eat oreo cake.

um, are you watching porn?

friend's dad (sitting in another room):  well hello you little slut.

friend (thinking to self):  wtf is he watching???  wtf??!!!!  (looks into other room and sees dad looking across the room, NOT talking to television)

friend's dad:  haha.  you're so funny frankie.  (family dog who likes to sleep on his back showing his bidness to the world)  you love sleeping on your back.  is that because you like having your legs in the air!?  you are a little slut frankie, just showing it to everyone.  have some modesty!

best dressed lists

friend (bored and people watching at work):  Fashion winner of the day: woman wearing plaid clam diggers with extreme camel toe and an "I heart my vagina" tshirt.

well hello there doctor...

friend:  so my doc told me to take pictures of my hives.  tried to take one of my back and ended up shooting a pic that showed my booty in a black thong.  Erased.

and then I had some dom perignon

Shark Enthusiast: What did you do for the Fourth of July?

Roomie: I went yachting.

(silence)

Roomie: Didn't see that one coming, didja?

Shark Enthusiast: Well, I see you are adapting quite well to your new life!

remember to stretch next time

Roomie: My pinky is swollen up. Just in case you thought things couldn't get worse...i have a big fat hand!

New Roomie: Why?

Roomie: No idea. Can't find any bite marks and it doesn't hurt too much. Elephantitis?

New Roomie: Maybe it is a margarita injury?


Roomie: Yeah maybe I sprained it by insisiting on holding my pinky up while I sip my big vat of booze...

New Roomie: It could be a chip dipping accident

Roomie: I DID attack that guac pretty ferociously.

LEGEN (wait for it) DARY!

Roomie: DC I love you.

DC: I. Am. LEGENDARY!

the ish of awesometown

Roomie: PSH! Whatever! HE is the crazy cat lady. I am the ish of awesometown!!

Siren of my life part two

DC calls back....

DC: Roomie, as my lawyer, can I stab someone with my umbrella?

Roomie: Um, I am not giving you any advice as your lawyer. Don't stab anyone.

DC: I am in a bad part of town. I need a weapon.

Roomie: If you are being attacked you can use an umbrella to defend yourself. But I give you this advice as your friend. Not as your lawyer. I am not your lawyer. I am not giving legal advice.

DC: So...AS my lawyer....can i stab someone with my umbrella?

Roomie: No.

DC: I am lost. Where the fuck is the metro???
DC: (Yells to someone on street) stay away! I have an umbrella!

Roomie: DC. Call a cab. Immediately. Do NOT stab anyone with your umbrella.

Siren of my life

DC calls Roomie while drunk and wandering around in the rain...

Roomie: Hello?

DC: (police siren in the background) DO YOU HEAR THAT?!!?!! That is the SIREN OF MY LIFE!!!!! (hangs up).

the fedacto break up... a french technique.

friend:  sends link to roomie.  haha, "when was the last time you heard of a chick acting like a jerk so he'd break up with her?"  uh... is that NOT standard operating procedure?

roomie:  lol!  that's what i always do!

friend:  me too!  because i hate always having to be the breaker upper.  so my standard procedure is to alienate as long as possible until i either get fed up with a guy being blind to my actions or he breaks up.

roomie:  exactly!

friend:  typically it ends in the latter and i think to myself, "man, i should've just done with earlier... could've saved my bitch reserves for a more worthy opponent."

roomie:  or until you haven't talked in so long that it is a fedacto break up.

friend:  a fedacto break up?  is that french?

roomie:  de fact.  sorry.   t9.  lol.  yep.  i'm fluent in french now.

Life Rehab. Be there.

Friend: I think I'm suffering from exhaustion. I must be a celebrity and not know it yet.

Roomie: You ARE a celebrity.

Friend: Ah, yes. I forgot.

Roomie: You and I should go to rehab and recover from our exhausting lives.

Friend: Life rehab. Haha.

Roomie: We should start a celebrity life rehab place. We can get lilo and brit brit for sure. Maybe Madonna but only because i want to hang with her and not because she needs rehab.

Friend: Some people can't handle alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. We just can't handle life in general. They'll Probably put us down.

Friend: Maybe we will stage an intervention for madge, tell her its for her own protection, and then we can have her cryogenically frozen until there's a cure for death, that most fatal of all diseases.

Roomie: Yes! Brilliant! We can tell her we have a baby for her in Malawi in order to lure her to our secret lair...uh...i mean rehab facility.

Friend: YESSSSSS.

Friend: (imagining how the kidnapping of madonna would go)....

Us: "Come her madonn -- I mean, esther...there's an attractive malawian toddler with a questionable orphan status at this adoption center.You MUST come save her!" ...

(madonna) "this doesn't look like an adoption center....i always get my questionably orphaned malawians from the actual country...WHAT is that ominous looking tube???"

(us) "Oh that? no big deal, just a body scan to make sure you don't have any diseases that might kill the children off....the mexicans and indians are very upset they didn't have this back in conquistador days...could've saved a lot of lives. You wouldn't want to hurt the children would you?"

(madonna) "oh no, Never. So I just step into the tube?"

(us) "yep."

(madonna) "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT IS THIS!!!! IT'S S-S-S-S-O C-C-C-CCOLD!!!"

(us) "Jack! haha!"

(Madonna) "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"

(us) "Madge, suck it up and stop trying to fight with your man muscles. We're doing this for your own good."

Lame Sauce passes out early

DC: F*** me I'm past no return

Roomie: Dude, its hella early you f***ing pussy. I won't even be buzzed for another 4 hours so you better get a second wind.

DC: I"m in truble.

Roomie: Stop drinking for an hour.

DC: thats like trying to tell a cow not to mow

Cookie whore

Roomie: Let's make cookies 4th of july weekend and then give them to other people to eat so we don't get fat.

Guy: Genius! that is what i've been doing wrong. Eating them!

Roomie: I know. it took me a long time to figure that trick out too! Maybe we can bake with your mom. Seeing as how I am the big whore who stumbled out of her son's bedroom this weekend. I feel like that is a cause for baking.

Guy: Good thing m mom loves whory girls! She does love to bake too!

Deep thoughts from Deep People

Roomie: I am perplexed as to why I have blond arm hair but black leg hair and dark brown head hair. Thoughts?

Friend: Deep thoughts. I think the arm hair is blonde because its thinner. It's more like face hair than head hair.

Roomie: Hmmm. Perhaps. You are a wise wise woman. But why is thinner hair a different color?

Friend: Because its job is to have light and warmth go through it to warm the body and the other hair is decorative.

Your wagon has overturned.

Roomie: In other news I have had a tummy ache all week.

Friend: Maybe you have dysentery. Don't ford the river.

Roomie: Yay! that would be awesome!

Friend: What would be awesome.

Roomie: Dysentery! I would be so skinny!

Friend: True. You would. But don't ford the river.

Le Contracto

Roomie: I am trying to read a contract in french right now. I think i should not be the one handling this!

Friend: Psh, it's like english with some le and some cois and a goofy accent. you're FINE.

Roomie: Bon Jour. Croissant. Contrat. Yoplait. Ces ci bon. Perfect. We will DEFINITELY be ok. I can totally negotiate like this......................Fast forward to some french guy calling my boss and saying "uh, one of your lawyers ordered a croissant and some yogurt then called me a whore, shook my hand and walked out of negotiations.

Friend: I see no problems whatsoever.

I think that IS a hobby!

Friend: I tied a shirt around frank's neck like a cape this morning so when he ran around the house he looked like a super hero. I need hobbies.

dream land

Friend: is it weird that i had a dream about a small chimpanzee like creature running around my neighborhood while the artist formerly known as prince sang a song called "chupacabre"? i was hiding in a large pine tree (that doesn't actually exist on my block) so the chupacabre couldn't catch me and make me go to work.

....

Friend: left out one of the best parts of the chupacabre dream. i woke up humming the chupacabre song. which i've now completely forgotten. have a good day!

duck you all!

Roomie 1: I am on a boat. With my flippy floppies. And I don't know anyone.

Friend: Common denominator. You.

Roomie 1: Duck the common denominator.

Friend: Yes. duck it.

its official. maybe.

Roomie 1: I am officially dating New Guy I think

Roomie 2: New guy....Which one is he? From where?

Roomie 1: South America

Roomie 2: No. Not what country. Sorry. I am being confusing. How do you know New Guy? That kind of from where...

Roomie 1: New Guy is from my new town. He has a huuge HUGE :o

Roomie 2: OH! But how did you meet him??

Roomie 1: At a bar. went out on thursday to a bar. He is cute. straigh. and totally vanilla. no drama. my opposite.

____________ minutes go by________

Roomie 2: Hi! Sorry. Passed out on the couch for a second. He sounds perfect. I like plain vanilla.

Roomie 1: I like Rocky Road.

Roomie 2: You do. But maybe after a while you will like vanilla. THere is something to be said for drama free.

you need a child locator on you at all times for just such occassions

Roomie 1: I am on a yacht with strangers!

Roomie 2: Um...how did you end up on a yacht with strangeres?

Roomie 1: well...someone at a bar asked me last night and I thought Jonathon Rhys Meyers was going to be here but turns out they don't know him

Roomie 2: Awesome...send me some names in case you turn up missing...

Roomie 1: Jaime. Michael. Vodka guy. Guy with Accent.

sadism

Roomie: I literally cannot walk upright bc my muscles hurt so bad today.

Friend: That means its working!

i can't wait for the ability to control my tv with my mind

Friend: I wanted to watch a movie in bed, but i don't want to go get a movie from another room so i thought i'd rent one on itunes, but i'm cheap. So i thought, hulu. But i'm just too tired. So instead i'll probably fall asleep eating and get choked to death by a tiffany necklace that i'm too lazy to unhook.

Just lie to me biotch

friend: Can we go to the outlets while i'm there? I'd like to find another suit or two.

Roomie: Of course! We can do whatever you want.

Friend: Thanks ti!

Friend: I want to get tan too.

Roomie: You won't get tan in the bay area.

Friend: we might.

Roomie: At a tanning booth maybe. It is cloudy and cold here every day.

Friend: Maybe not in July. Stop crushing my dreams.

Roomie: Ok. I"m sorry. The guy I met yesterday biking said it normally wasn't this windy. So you are right. In July we can tan. And we are close to a beach.

Friend: Thanks.

the silent killer

Friend: She is like black mold, you may not notice it at first, but she slowly kills you.

What are you saying, Mr. Ed??

Friend: My life hurts. My body aches. My eye hurts from allergies and the sunblock I got in it earlier. My face feels sunburned. Sad day. If i were a talking horse I might advise you to shoot me.

You look...different...

Roomie: Fact: I just saw a picture of a baboon on my bro's facebook page and thought it was him wearing a fur hat.

Giraffe/Ellen Convo

Friend: I just called him a vagina. He's singing that song from the SPCA commercial.

Roomie: I just got busted by security. Dancing on the table again. He is a vag. a second that.

Friend: Trying to come up with a lesbian name for him. Thinking of roro, after rosie.

Roomie: Haha, Ellen!

Friend: Ooh. WEll, the unfortunate part of his being a lesbian is that it makes me the butch one. So i think he'd be portia.

Roomie: That's okay. Everyone knows ellen is more popular.

Friend: and a good dance. which is important. also more successful career wise, even though p's career started out better.

Roomie: But you will end up wildly more successful. Like giraffe money successful.

Friend: I could have a giraffe? I'd rather have a polar bear named urek, or really just a polar bear.

Roomie: Okay. Polar bear. But they bite.

Friend: I'll feed him criminals. And ugly shoes. And i won't try to hug him, even though i'll want to. Maybe when he's a cub we can snuggle a little.

Roomie: Feed him my nemesis. That will feed him for months! mmm, beefy!

Friend: First meal of human! and then all my enemies...

Dear Mom: I'm sorry

Roomie: My dog knocked over my wine last night and drank like a quarter of the bottle. I raised an alchy.

Friend: Of course you did. Its hereditary.

Roomie: Great. I raised a gay alcoholic dog. I am such a failure. Now I know how my parents must feel about me!

Friend: Haha. You're not gay. So at least there is that...

Roomie: I"ll be sure to remind them of that next time my mother breaks into tears over how I am going to wind up unemployed and alone because I am a failure at life.

I dont' think i was there for that one....

Roomie: Can you send me the giraffe ellen convo from a week ago [so i can put it on stupid roomie]

Friend: Refresh my recollection?

Roomie: Um...you wanted to give Mr. Attorney a lezzie name and I suggested Ellen and then you would be Portia and then I said you would have giraffe money but you didn't want a giraffe you wanted a Polar Bear named after the golden compass to feed your enemies to...

Roomie: Please tell me we had this conversation because if not I have definitely gone crazy

I'll show you attitude!

Friend: He just told me I have a bad attitude when he calls.

Roomie: Take a picture of your middle finger and send it to him.

Friend: I love you. Seriously. I do. If you were a hot, wealthy dude, I would absolutely marry you.

Roomie: And if I were a hot wealthy dude I would gladly have you as my trophy wife.

Friend: Solid. I'm so glad we're friends.

You look like ass....but i still love you

Friend: I don't hold back. I try to be more...diplomatic though.

Roomie: You don't need to be [diplomatic] with me. We are at the friend point where you can say it like it is. Just add "but I still love you" at the end of any insult.

Friend: Ditto.

Feelings shouldn't be eaten

Roomie: I tried to eat my feelings today. I bought 3 cupcakes, a slice of cake, a pint of ice cream and a bottle of rose brut sparkling wine. I made it through one cupcake and half the slice of cake before giving up on eating my feelings. I drank the entire bottle of wine and called it a night.

Friend: Sometimes I think God looks down on me and thinks "man i really messed up on that one."

Lay off the bean dip

Roomie: My farts are so bad at work that I had to lock the door so no one would "pop in" to say hi.

Friend: Haha. When you open the door to leave a giant cloud of assy gas will tumble out of your office. haha.

Roomie: Damnit! I can't leave now until everyone else is gone.

Friend: Thank god you brought me in to consult on this issue.

Roomie: You are my ass guru.

I'd park there if i could...

Roomie: Also...this guy with a purple heart license plate is parking in the first spot that isn't handi. Like he is too good for handi. Thus making ME park TWO spaces over. Ass.

Friend: My god. He is making you walk. That bastard!

Roomie: I know! Just because he appreciates his legs doesn't mean i have to appreciate mine.

Friend: You suffer

Roomie: Thank you for acknowledging the deep sacrifices i make for mankind on a daily basis.

wanna hit up AA after the bar?

Roomie: How was dinner? PS I am calling off sober weekend.

H: It was good. And me too.

Roomie: I mean, you can be sober but I already know I can't do it.

H: Fuck us.

You sober dialed me....

Friend: So i've completely forgotten how our conversation ended...did I just up and hang up on you?

Roomie: Yes. Yes you did.

Friend: Seriously? I literally have like no recollection of talking except that I couldn't really hear you when you picked up, we exchanged pleasantries and then....nothing. what happened?

Roomie:You said "is it thursday?" and I said "yes" and you said "i'll call you back"

Friend: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH. Haha. Okay.

office ninja

Roomie: Step 1 - take pencil. Step 2 - stab through larynx. Step 3 - Laugh. If you get it just right they won't be able to talk which is an added bonus.

Woah. Can you go on welfare or something?

Colleague: "The economy is effecting everyone. Times are really tight for me too. I mean, i've had to give up shopping at Whole Foods!!!!"

And which group are you in?

Friend: So, he keeps telling me about the black leather chaps he'll be wearing on his bike trip this weekend and thinking i'm not serious when i say "what are the other village people wearing?". So i had to lay down the law. I said "look, black chaps are hot to three groups of society. 1) Biker people, 2) the village people, 3)and s&M fetish people.

Don't cut me off!

Friend: Okay, I was just listening to a voicemail, spaced out that it was a voicemail because it sounded so real, so i started trying to talk back and then thought that my friend was being rude for ignoring my comments.

i need to have a camera crew document my nights out

Voicemail: Roooooommmmiiiiieeeee. Its DAAAAAVVVEEEEE. The man of your dreams! I LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE you.

Roomie: Who the F is Dave? I didn't meet any Dave's last night!

Sister: Uh, yeah you did. The last 3 hours of the night he was buying us drinks.

Roomie: Oh. well i didn't give him my number...

Sister: I think it is clear that you did.

Good morning boo!

Crazy: I love you. I hate my life.

Don't let this job go to your head or anything.

Friend: Also my new title is Special Prosecutor, so if you could start calling me by my official title that would be great.

R-Tard

Hot Guy: I am an R-Tard. I'll admit it!

Roomie: Lucky for you I have an R-tard fetish!

Hot guy: Hot

Roomie: Mmm. hmmm. The drooling is the kicker I think.

Hot Guy: I get that. I really do.

i am positive you will give me swine flu through the phone

Acquaintance: I feel like we never get to talk anymore

Roomie: That is because you are contagious and I hate you.

Stupid doctor

(doctor appointment for hot guy was running late)

Roomie: Blow that shit up babe. Throw some chairs and pretend youhave rabies so they can't get mad. Or start moaning like Helen Keller

Hot guy: and thrust my hips?

Theme parties for todays youth

Roomie: Either run hot and oily or don't shower after the gym.

Hot Guy: Hot n Oily. Slip n Slide.

Roomie: That sounds like an awesome theme party. Almost as good as a politicians and hookers drug party.

FML!!!

Friend:  i just looked at a job where one of the requirements actually says, "ability to read" and upon further examination i'm not qualified.  fml

Is that a baby bump??

Roomie 1: I have been standing in the mirror for 10 minutes thinking I look prego

 
Friend: I bet you don't.
Roomie 1:  If I were a celeb the tabloids would be speculating about a baby bump.I did however purchase spf 70 for my face for bike riding
Friend:  well good. then they won't speculate that you've been lying about your age too.

that doesn't sound so bad

Friend:  i feel like sort of a bad person....

  like, i might actually be going to hell.i've always known it to some degree, but this is bad...

 
Roomie 1: I love that we are complete opposites and I get along better with you than anyone.  And you shouldn't think you are going to hell for it. Obviously people agree with you.
Friend: Um, that just means other people are going too...
Roomie 1: At least you get to spend eternity with people who share your point of view.

those people aren't creative anyway

Roomie 1: I am at a gay bbq

 Friend: earlier tonight i thought it might be a good idea to volunteer to help the planning committee for this summer's pridefest in milwaukee.

  but then i was worried there might be lesbians on the committee.  i only like the gays.

now THAT is logical

Friend's Dad:  oh, you want to marry your brother, little frank? (Frank is a dog, as his his little brother)  you know gay marriage is allowed in vermont.  would you like us to go to vermont, frankie? You know, even though gay marriage is allowed, gay incestuous marriage is still illegal, little guy.  But... you could probably make a solid argument that because you can't produce offspring together maybe they could make an incest exception for gay marriages."

i don't like small packages.

Friend:  Okay - you get the fortune "good things come in small packages, one is coming to you."  What do you think?

Roomie: Haha. I think dirty thoughts about packages and I am sad my date apparently has a tiny one.

Friend:  Haha, Okay.  My immediate reaction?  "I don't want a baby! that's why i take birth control! this is a horrible fortune!!"

the holy water burns!

Roomie: Is blessing someone a harmful or offensive touching?  I think he'd get you off...

Friend:  That's what she said.

Roomie: lol i love our gutter humor

This is an intervention

Friend:  Did you wear a sports bra??

Roomie: LOL, yes

Friend:  That's not Okay.

Roomie:  I didn't have my sticky bra!

Friend:  This is an intervention.  No sportsbras allowed on going out nights.

Roomie: It was a gay bar...Fine...I'll go buy something else

school is a waste of time

Friend:  I just open up a job opportunity for "laborer."  Damn, I'm not qualified because I don't know a trade...

Roomie:  I hear that - Barrista - 2 years experience required...wtf...I've been making my own coffee for like 10 years!

Friend:  Oh I'll just lay down for 30 minutes giving myself over 2 hours to work out, shower and get to the movie....oh it's so warm in bed, the dogs are snuggly, i'll just lay here another 5 minutes....10 minutes won't kill me....

Roomie: LOL

Friend:  Maybe I shouldn't work out....no, then i'll feel guilty...Okay I just won't condition my hair.  I'll just wash my hair, wash my face, wash my body.  That'll only take a few minutes right?  That's why I'm always late - the conditioning, exfoliation, shaving stuff...Yeah...I totally have time.

Roomie: HAHA

Friend: Cut to dinner with a pal when I roll up 10 minutes late

Roomie:  Lol.  It is sort of your calling card...

Friend:  True.  Oh, I have time to quick read celeb gossip. Oh watching the Harry Potter trailer won't kill anyone....

Roomie:  Lol.  This is why I adore you.  Because you MAKE time for important things.

I get that a lot

Friend: You're like my dalai lama tonight.  But without the baldness or ceremonial toga.

Dear government

Friend: "Dear government: stop saying we're going to be okay.  It's not going to be okay unless you hire my friend.  And me.  We both need jobs. You keep saying you're making jobs, but you're not giving them to us.  We're starting to feel like you're liars."

Roomie 1:  Government, I don't mean to call you a liar, but...how do i put this delicately....you are a fucking lying sack of shit and I don't trust you.

Friend: Dear government, hey, it's been an hour since my last letter....not sure if you didn't get it.  I'm starting to feel like you don't care about me...

Roomie 1:  Government?  are you screening your calls?  You haven't picked up the last 10 times!!!  Government? I just want to talk to you....

Friend: Government, you keep saying that there is hope, but i'm having a hard time with that...see, you keep giving money to the banks.  And the thing is, the banks have fucked up.  I haven't done anything wrong.  I didn't waste my money.  I spend as responsibly as i can with my dwindling bank account.  I went to school.  I got good grades....I graduated.  And I've been applying for jobs, but no one can hire me because the economy is for shit.  So what I need is for you to either A) pay off my loans, no strings attached, B) give me a job that will pay my bills, C) stop saying the world is not ending.  It is.

Friend:  Government?  Are you there? Seriously, did you move to switerland?  DId you disappear to the caribbean? did you go on a trip with the banks you've just bailed out?  I know that's what they are doing with the money....look government, I don't mean to sound ungrateful but you're an asshole.  Government, I'm going to tell everyone you're bad in bed.  That's right.  I went there. You FAIL to satisfy.  I FAKED it EVERYTIME i said i was satisfied.

don't all BFFs have an anthem?

Friend:  I think maybe our new bffship anthem should be the jumper by third eye blind, because we're often talking each other off the ledge.  Only I've changed some lyrics to more accurately reflect our friendship.  For example, instead of, "if you do not want to see me again I would understand, " I've amended that to say "I will hunt you down."  There are other amendments too but that's prob. the most important!

Ebola IS making a comeback

Friend:  This morning i thought i might have ebola, because my nose was bleeding.  And I thought to myself , woowoo, nose, eyeballs next.  It's over.

Lent

Friend: What did you give up for lent this year?

Roomie 1:  I gave up cinnamon rolls and chips.  For about one milisecond i considered no alcohol and then was like "woah woah woah! lets not get drastic!"

this is why real mail is awesome

Roomie 1 received a late valentines day card from her friend....

the card says:  when we are together, words are unnecessary....much like pants!  (and it is a picture of two monkeys without pants on...)

Friend says:  

This card is awesome on so many levels.  I made sure the friend monkey had swoopy bangs, you know, so it captures my "hair essence."  But I would NEVER dye my hair blue...Anyways, we've definitely gone on vacay sans pants, so this card is accurate.

I'm so not getting the deportation job.  Bush league.  This economy deserves a nice hard cock punch.  Because we are so clearly fabulous and deserving of jobs (lawyer jobs and not babysitting and retail).  I bought this for you on Valentine's day.  It was like the gimpy tree that Linus bought in the Charlie Brown Xmas, but it's effing hilarious.  Not a left over.  So really, this card is a metaphor for us.  We should've been bought already but for God knows why we are a leftover card for someone awesome to buy.  Which brings me to my next point, let's go back to the dominican or some other tropical place and spend our days (on the lamb for defaulting on our loans) laying on the beach trying not to get kidnapped to a 3rd world country where we'd be sold into white slavery.

I miss you.  Jack!  S-S-S-So---C-C-C-Cold!  J-J-Jack!  It's snowing 4-8 inches tonight which is total BS.  If we're ever drowning in the ocean and you don't share your life raft, I will die just so I can come back and haunt you.   I will always share my life raft, unless you have ebola.  Then you're dying anyways and I don't want to get that shit.  Your eyes bleed. Eeew.  

I should never have left (California).  This sucks camel balls.  I miss you!

so that is the secret to winning!

Security guy: Yeah, they didn't set up toilets for us so Astana let us use their bus!

Roomie 1: Awesome! Did you get some souveniers?

Security guy: no. I didn't even know where to start.  The bus was completely packed with that warming gel stuff...what's it called?  Oh! KY Jelly!

Roomie 1: HAHAHA.  KY Jelly! Awesome! So that is how they get their legs so shiny!

Other guy:  Uh, you are thinking of something different...they don't use KY to warm up their legs

Roomie 1: So they don't use KY yours and mine?

Sexy Beast

Roomie 1: (belches indelicately)

Roomie 2: Apparently it is NOT possible to contain so much sexiness in one body.

good point

Roomie 1: Are you putting makeup on to go to the grocery store to buy vodka so we can come back and drink in the hotel room.

Roomie 2: Yes.

Roomie 1: Um...Ok...

Roomie 2: You never know who is going to be there!

Roomie 1: True, but I do know that whoever is there, you won't talk to them anyway.

Roomie 2: Damnit.

and sour patch kids aren't real kids either...

Postal worker:  Anything perishable?

Friend:  Yes, swedish fish.

Postal worker: (looking shocked) wait, there are fish in here?! you're MAILING fish????

Friend: Well they aren't alive fish!  they are swedish fish...

Postal Worker: Is that like gefilte fish?

Friend: No, this is for valentine's day, not shabbas

Postal Worker:  But they're fish?

Friend: No, they are SWEDISH FISH!

Postal worker: so, they are swedish fish...

Friend: Yes!

Postal Worker:  Which are fish...?

Friend: No! They are candy!

Postal Worker:  Fish candy?

Friend:  Fish-shaped candy!  They're swedish fish!

Postal worker:  Fish shaped fish candy?

Friend:  They don't TASTE like fish...they are red and gummy and delicious...Swedish fish....they are gummies...

Postal Worker:  That's not perishable

Friend:  Are you sure?

Postal Worker:  Your fish candy should be safe.

Friend:  Its not fish...

I'll need a signing bonus to purchase a machine gun

Friend: How much would it suck to live in Oakland?

Roomie 1: It would suck mucho

Friend:  The only pro I can see to living there is proximity to sac, napa and sf

Roomie 1:  Like, I think T.I. lived there and that was why he needed machine guns

Friend:  Shit.  If I register it, can I have a machine gun?

HR experience

Friend: I wonder If I could get a job as an HR specialist

Roomie 1:  Why not? You are totally good at judging people.  You can totally tell if people will be douchey.  I base this solely on your ability to like me and not like my enemies.

chocloate covered despair!

Friend: Right now I have a pyrex of melted chocolate next to me and I"m dipping licorice in it.

Roomie: Mmmm. Chocolate.  Chocolate makes everything better.  If I could dip my jobless despair in chocolate the world would be so much easier!

Don't be a hero. Heros die early

Friend:  I'm looking at this job with disaster relief, and i'm sort of thinking "this would be cool, except if disaster strikes i need to get the fuck out of dodge.  I'm too young to die.  I hope they have a helicopter and a personal security team for me."

Roomie 1: Dibs on life!

Friend: Exactly! Dude, if I get a job with disaster relief i'm totally bedazzling that onto all my underwear.

Friend:  Um, at this point whenever I start looking at jobs I start feeling an impending sense of doom and wondering how bad it will really be when i have to live in a homeless shelter.

Roomie 1: Dude, I just got turned down for donating plasma.  

Friend:  And not even that, i'm going to be like will smith living in a bathroom, but there won't be a cute kid there telling me it will all be okay and i'm probably not as smart as the guy he was playing in that movie, so basically i'll live in a bathroom and die from sepsis or something.  I'm not even sure what sepsis is but it sounds gross.

Roomie 1:  Oh man.  I'll be there in that bathroom with you and I promise to tell you it will all be ok.  But it definitely won't.  Especially when we get sepsis.

Friend:  Law school was a poor call.

Roomiw 1: Most def.

Well we would definitely bond

Friend: I"m afraid i'll get a call from Hot Guy (how, I haven't figured out) that you're dead abroad and its all Crazy's fault.  And then Hot Guy and I will have to venture abroad to collect your body (obviously that would fall to us...) and Crazy will end up on that tv show "locked up abroad" for killing you...

(Roomie 1 relays the message to Hot Guy...and promised to leave Friend's number with Hot Guy in the event Roomie 1 leaves the country...)

Hot Guy: Awesome.  I like friend.  But it will be a good experience to bring Friend and I closer...so tell her to look on that bright side...

Friend: I like Hot Guy too.  And I think it will bring us closer.  I've always wanted to go abroad.  I'll be a hot commodity there, it's like being a blonde in an asian country.  Being a short chubby brunette in the land of freaky long blonde models!

Roomie 1: You are NOT short and chubby

Friend: Abroad I'm short and chubby.  They are all like 7 feet tall and size 0 with D cup boobs.

2 years experience required

Friend: Um, here's how tired my eyes are....I just read a job title that said "patent examiner" and i thought it said "panty examiner" and i thought to myself, "man, that'd be low...work in a factory as a quality control inspector for panties...wait...why is the federal government looking to hire someone to inspect panties?

911

911 Dispatcher: This is 911. What's your emergency?

Roomie: Yes, I'm driving on the Benecia bridge, northbound...

911 Dispatcher: It this about the Christmas tree?

Roomie: Um, yes. Yes it is.

Homes? Sign me up!

Friend: want to join the Air Force or Coast Guard with me?

Roomie 1:  Um... Not really...

Friend:  Are you sure? They'll give us homes...and probably be willing to hire us...

Plan B

Roomie 1: I'm pretty fn depressed that our class has an X% employment rating and I can't get an fn job.

Friend: Um, that X% includes me working at the bakery...

Roomie 1: Yeah but I can't even get those types of jobs!  I"m a big LOSER.  I'm hoping i get knocked up by someone in Sweden and they feel guilty enough to support me.  Otherwise I'll sell the baby and try to turn a profit.

what do you mean grownups don't get spring break??

Friend:  I"m thinking about taking spring break to visit roomie.

Friend's Dad:  Um...can i ask you something?

Friend: What am I taking a break from?

Friend's Dad: Yes

Friend: My difficult life?

I regret...

Dear Dean,

I have not had any job since graduation.  I have done a few babysitting gigs but I don't think that counts.  Thanks again for the oh-s0-useful law degree and the crippling debt.

Sincerely,

Me