Friend: Let me break it down for you. It is 415 your time. Here’s what it is time to do. Answer the phone close the door to your office. Turn off the lights. All you have to do is anytime you hear footsteps all you need to do is go no, no, yes, that is not what we are doing on that file, I understand I understand uh huh uh huh and then pretend we are talking about something business related. That is how its going to have to be my friend because I haven’t talked to you in for fucking ever because I go to sleep to early for you bc I am ridiculous. And you drive to work after I am already at work. I drive to work while you are still sleeping and I drive home from work while you are still at work and you drive home from work while I am eating dinner and then by that time I am basically ready for bed.
In conclusion you will have to pretend we are talking business and randomly have conversations that involve “NO mr. so and so I do not have that file for you” flawless plan and I don’t see how this could possibly backfire.
In the event you want to move here, I am pretty sure I could get a job for you in Child Support and you would actually be making more money than me. So, that would be nice for you and we could work together so you could be making more money than me with my friend who is great and would like you and is a straight female. Which is a huge bonus. And then…oh god Now I can just see you surrounded by baby daddies bc your luck they would all love you and you would be like “oooh baby….”
CALLS BACK….Gets disconnected…texts…”your phone hates me”
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