don't eat tacos after midnight

Friend: Which of these is the reason I'm not in trial right now:

A) An officer forgot about trial and went out of state to visit his mother because she got a new dog

B) an officer got food poisoning from a 3am taco bell run and can't leave the toilet to testify

C) a mistrial was declared because I made a juror cry during jury selection

Roomie: Oh god i hope it is C!

Friend: B

Email red tape

Coworker sends task email: Task: Clean my whiteboard

Roomie: I don't have the requisite experience for that job.

Coworker: Excuses: on time. Task: Overdue.

Roomie: I'm sorry. I don't speak English.

Coworker: Eanclay ymay oardbay!

Roomie: I’m going to have to have you fill out some forms in order to properly document the need for me to clean your board.

Coworker: Clean it or FDA will declare it a biohazard, and you will be doing paperwork for years.

Roomie: We should discuss this. Are you free on Friday for a meeting?

Coworker: AGH! Next you will probably suggest a process council.

Roomie: Actually this probably needs a working group.

Colorado Girls Video comment...

Roomie: and really folks. i love chipotle but you shouldn't have a fat girl deep throating a burrito while singing about pot