Shorty Fire Burning on the Dance Floor! Oh. no. wait. that is a real fire.

Roomie: Yep. Massive building fire across the street from me at 4am. Guesswhose car wasn't moved? Seriously. I have to wait until they put itout before I can go to work.

DC: please tell me you used this great opportunity to snag a cute and rich and single Fireman husband.......... please don't dissapoint :-)

Roomie: Yeah. He saw me in the crowd below and ran down the ladder, swooped me up in his arms and kissed me passionately in the falling ash and embers...

Friend: Was he shirtless and lightly covered in a mixture of soot and sweat and wielding an axe?

Roomie: It is like you were there! He put his helmet on me as he carried me through the cheering crowd. It is a beautiful morning.

Friend: Your life sounds awesome.

at least my name is bilingual

PD: I'm going to start my own firm and will recruit spanish speaking clients. I'm even going to have a business card made with my name in English AND Spanish.

Roomie: That is a great idea! Just out of curiosity, what is your spanish name?

tomato tomato (uh the second tomato should sound like tomAHto)

Roomie: Unrelated, my toaster is broken. I had to have raw toast this morning!

Friend: Um, raw toast is called bread, genius.

We are NOT on the same page

#1: His text said "Thanks again for the ride" and I thought he meant me but he meant when I drove him home. so my face is red now.

#2: Hahahaha that is amazing. Amazing.

#1: He never responded after I said "Right back at you!" and then realized my mistake. Fail.

#2: Omg, you make my life.

Worst. Vet Visit. EVER.

Roomie: Most embarassing visit to the vet. Apparently my dog had a vairy painful long lasting erection. And the puss? That was shmegma. I am so SO scarred for life. That was the most horrible looking penis I have ever seen. And I went through all this because he had morning wood. WTF.

SJ: That is the funniest fucking thing (excpet that it hurt the poor pup) I have ever heard! Shmegma! Hahahaha.

Roomie: Psh! Poor pup my ass! He had morning wood! I took the day off of work for canine morning wood!!! WTF am I supposed to tell people at work?!? "Oh yeah, my dog is fine. It was just a monster erection. Thanks for asking!"

SJ: Did the vet even crack a smile when he told you? I can't think of a better excuse...."My dog had wood for longer than 4 hours. he was in pain."

Roomie: Oh the vet told me this is why Jewish men like him get circumsized. (great. Now i'm thinking about HIS penis). So there isn't any shmegma. There were also a few ED jokes but I was too traumatized by discussing both a dog penis AND the geriatric Jewish vet's penis.

SJ: Geezus. What a Monday! Dog Penis, Jewish cirsumcision, shmegma...and you had to pay for it! What was the damage?

Roomie: Only 69. They felt bad they couldn't give me a better answer than "erection" so they only charged for an office visit.

SJ: Well that is good. at least they didn't rape you.

May the God's be with you

Jacey: My morning commute took almost 2 hours bc there was a fatal accident on the expressway at 5:50 AM. The digital signs that warn you about delays failed to warn that the expressway was closed and I don't listen to the morning news, so imagine my reaction when i'm expecting a 5 min delay and then the damn expressway gets shut down.

Lily: Did it only become a fatal accident after you got delayed? I'm assuming you went ninja on someone's ass for being an inconsiderate dick.

Jacey: well the worst part is that while I was having a fit to my mom over the phone I said "If the idiot causing this delay survives, they should let us shoot him!: and then about 15 minutes later I learned it was a fatality. So i felt like a jerk.

Lily: I would take it as a sign that you are in God's favor.

Lily: Totally related...please don't think bad thoughts about me until at least 2011. I need to recoup some finances before you strike me down.

Jacey: Haha. Okay. Try not to fuck up and bring on my wrath.

Lily: I"ll be on my best behaviour. But sometimes I ccan't help but instigate. It is in my nature to tempt death.

Jacey: I know it is! Dumbass. Side note - I can't wait to visit!

Was I drunk?

SJ: I remember the first time I met you, we were driving you to the airport in Vegas and you said "the best part of this whole weekend was how well i was retailing the pootang."

devil shoulder, angel shoulder

friend consults roomie about man issues.

roomie: i think so. and i am the standard for morally acceptable behaviour.

friend: yea, i think it's pretty clear i'm the moral compass in this relationship. and you're the one running around with magnets shouting, "compass be damned!!!"

roomie: haha, it's my battle cry.

"you're welcome"

friend and coworker have just wrapped up a discussion of how many colleagues are mistaken about friend's height due to the height of friend's shoes.

coworker: didn't we come to the conclusion that if the deputies fail our best weapons in the court room are your shoes?

friend: you're welcome. dibs on life.