No love in wisconsin

Friend: where's the damn wooing in wisco?!!

need a partner?

roomie 1: Why do people always go into business with people they are afraid will kill them if they rat them out? I will only do business with people i can rat out.

celebrity role models

Roomie 1: So anytime I want a drink in the next few months, just show me that picture of Amy [winehouse].  I mean, she is skinny, which is awesome...but she looks like hell!  I'd rather be plump and hot.

I miss you like...

Friend: I miss you like a fat kid recently diagnosed with diabetes misses ho hos.

Roomie 1: Aww.  And I miss you like a cheap hooker misses the 90% cut her jon takes.

everyone loves a good wedding!

Friend: I was like "p.s. nobody wants to see that many pictures of your wedding.  Get over yourself."

Roomie 1: Get your cheap ass walmart wedding photos out of my couture loving face bitch before I vomit on them.

dead inside

Roomie 1: See how mean I am now that I don't get to see you every day?  I'm all bitter inside.

Friend: Too bad I'm not there to help you dance it out.

Or morning music would work

Roomie 1: aint nutin better than petron and a good f*&k

nice pants

Dude: I've had enough...no more drinking...

Roomie 1:  Don't worry.  I'll hold your hair if you puke...

Dude:  Just make sure I don't puke on my new jeans...

Roomie 1:  Haha. Ok I"ll be sure to take those off first.  I'd better take your shirt off too because you don't want to puke on that either.

ESL

Setting - Ordering at a Thai restaurant

Friend: I want that (points at food item in menu)

Waitress: The eggrolls? Ok

Roomie 1 and 2 giggling.

Friend: What?

Roomie 1: Eegg-g r-o-ll. Was that too difficult?

Hint Hint.

Boy: (red eyed and pupils dialated, in out personal space, looking about 22) "How old are you?"

Roomie 1: 31 (the truth, hopefully scary to drunk boy)

Boy: Really, you look like your 22. What about you?

Roomie 2: 32. (a lie)

Roomie 1: I know. It's amazing how well we age.

Boy: So are you guys in college?

Roomie 2: (Laughing mockingly) "No, were much too old for college."

Roomie 1: Yeah, we just graduated law school. (trying to be intimidating and unapproachability)

Boy: (undeterred) So do you have boyfriends?

Roomie 2: Yes, we both do. It's very serious. They're on their way, in fact.

Roomie 1: yes. (Pretends to get text from imaginary boyfriend.) Hey, he's parking now.

Boy to Rommie 2: She seems to be trying to avoid me. Do you really have boyfriends or are you just trying to blow me off?

Roomie 1: (thinking to herself) either way, pal, this doesn't look good for you.

Roomie 2: We wouldn't lie. We really have boyfriends. They should have been here an hour ago.

Boy: You deserve to be treated better than that...(stumbles forward)...I would never leave you alone at a bar.

Roomie 2: Yeah. well. They are douchey boyfriends but we really really love them. they buy us things.

Boy: oh.

Roomie 1: Ok we are going to get a drink. Bye.

Boy. (sad face) (stumble) bye