so not at all the same...?

after recounting respective debauchery...

roomie: we are awesome. we are totally sex and the city. minus the money. and friends.

selfish is as selfish does

Co-worker: Will you be my friend now?

Roomie: I expect all my friends to buy me lunch at least once a week...

Co-worker: I do too! We can trade off.

Roomie: I'm sorry. I simply cannot be friends with people who are as selfish as I am.

Dengue Fever!

roomie: OH NO! I hav ALL the symptoms of Dengue fever! Well, minus the rash but I AM itchy! FML.

Friend: can you hide a key so I can still stay at your place?

Shorty Fire Burning on the Dance Floor! Oh. no. wait. that is a real fire.

Roomie: Yep. Massive building fire across the street from me at 4am. Guesswhose car wasn't moved? Seriously. I have to wait until they put itout before I can go to work.

DC: please tell me you used this great opportunity to snag a cute and rich and single Fireman husband.......... please don't dissapoint :-)

Roomie: Yeah. He saw me in the crowd below and ran down the ladder, swooped me up in his arms and kissed me passionately in the falling ash and embers...

Friend: Was he shirtless and lightly covered in a mixture of soot and sweat and wielding an axe?

Roomie: It is like you were there! He put his helmet on me as he carried me through the cheering crowd. It is a beautiful morning.

Friend: Your life sounds awesome.

at least my name is bilingual

PD: I'm going to start my own firm and will recruit spanish speaking clients. I'm even going to have a business card made with my name in English AND Spanish.

Roomie: That is a great idea! Just out of curiosity, what is your spanish name?

tomato tomato (uh the second tomato should sound like tomAHto)

Roomie: Unrelated, my toaster is broken. I had to have raw toast this morning!

Friend: Um, raw toast is called bread, genius.

We are NOT on the same page

#1: His text said "Thanks again for the ride" and I thought he meant me but he meant when I drove him home. so my face is red now.

#2: Hahahaha that is amazing. Amazing.

#1: He never responded after I said "Right back at you!" and then realized my mistake. Fail.

#2: Omg, you make my life.

Worst. Vet Visit. EVER.

Roomie: Most embarassing visit to the vet. Apparently my dog had a vairy painful long lasting erection. And the puss? That was shmegma. I am so SO scarred for life. That was the most horrible looking penis I have ever seen. And I went through all this because he had morning wood. WTF.

SJ: That is the funniest fucking thing (excpet that it hurt the poor pup) I have ever heard! Shmegma! Hahahaha.

Roomie: Psh! Poor pup my ass! He had morning wood! I took the day off of work for canine morning wood!!! WTF am I supposed to tell people at work?!? "Oh yeah, my dog is fine. It was just a monster erection. Thanks for asking!"

SJ: Did the vet even crack a smile when he told you? I can't think of a better excuse...."My dog had wood for longer than 4 hours. he was in pain."

Roomie: Oh the vet told me this is why Jewish men like him get circumsized. (great. Now i'm thinking about HIS penis). So there isn't any shmegma. There were also a few ED jokes but I was too traumatized by discussing both a dog penis AND the geriatric Jewish vet's penis.

SJ: Geezus. What a Monday! Dog Penis, Jewish cirsumcision, shmegma...and you had to pay for it! What was the damage?

Roomie: Only 69. They felt bad they couldn't give me a better answer than "erection" so they only charged for an office visit.

SJ: Well that is good. at least they didn't rape you.

May the God's be with you

Jacey: My morning commute took almost 2 hours bc there was a fatal accident on the expressway at 5:50 AM. The digital signs that warn you about delays failed to warn that the expressway was closed and I don't listen to the morning news, so imagine my reaction when i'm expecting a 5 min delay and then the damn expressway gets shut down.

Lily: Did it only become a fatal accident after you got delayed? I'm assuming you went ninja on someone's ass for being an inconsiderate dick.

Jacey: well the worst part is that while I was having a fit to my mom over the phone I said "If the idiot causing this delay survives, they should let us shoot him!: and then about 15 minutes later I learned it was a fatality. So i felt like a jerk.

Lily: I would take it as a sign that you are in God's favor.

Lily: Totally related...please don't think bad thoughts about me until at least 2011. I need to recoup some finances before you strike me down.

Jacey: Haha. Okay. Try not to fuck up and bring on my wrath.

Lily: I"ll be on my best behaviour. But sometimes I ccan't help but instigate. It is in my nature to tempt death.

Jacey: I know it is! Dumbass. Side note - I can't wait to visit!

Was I drunk?

SJ: I remember the first time I met you, we were driving you to the airport in Vegas and you said "the best part of this whole weekend was how well i was retailing the pootang."

devil shoulder, angel shoulder

friend consults roomie about man issues.

roomie: i think so. and i am the standard for morally acceptable behaviour.

friend: yea, i think it's pretty clear i'm the moral compass in this relationship. and you're the one running around with magnets shouting, "compass be damned!!!"

roomie: haha, it's my battle cry.

"you're welcome"

friend and coworker have just wrapped up a discussion of how many colleagues are mistaken about friend's height due to the height of friend's shoes.

coworker: didn't we come to the conclusion that if the deputies fail our best weapons in the court room are your shoes?

friend: you're welcome. dibs on life.

Hired!

Client: Something tells me you are just one heart beat shy of being Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. You don't carry around ice picks do you?

Roomie: I don't need ice picks. I have high heels.

You are never happy. you must be up to something.

Coworker: You walk around smiling like you just played a practical joke on the world.

Roomie: Maybe I"m just happy

Coworker: No...that isn't it...

So I have a random question...

Monday Morning Meeting...
Roomie: (raises hand) - um, so...uh...does anyone have any contacts at the Peruvian embassy?

Great. Let's proceed.

Criminal Defendant: Habla Espanol?

Friend/District Attorney: Nein. Sprechen sie deutsch?

Criminal Defendant: (Shakes head no...)

Friend/District Attorney: Well, now we are both disappointed. Let's proceed.

I apparently have no heart. (and his is weak)

FL: So I invited my dad to come to my race this sunday. His response: Ugh don't like crowds. Plus are you sure you can run something like that? Arent you looking for a job?"... FML

Roomie: tell him you dont need a job. His health isn't that great and you expect to be in the will.

Hypothetically speaking

Roomie: I hope you move [to DC].

Friend: I'd really love to. I have a feeling I would thrive there. Or end up in a huge scandal by accidentally dating a married congressman or senator.

Roomie: that isn't really scandeous anymore. It certainly isn't scandelous for the mistress in any event.

Friend: Well, I'd feel badly.

Roomie: Right. because you are a good person. I would use it to progress my career and assume the wife knew what she was getting when she married a politician.

Friend: I'd like to be a senators wife one day and I'd be livid if my hypothetical senator husband ever cheated on me.

Roomie: I promise not to be his hypothetical mistress.

Friend: Thanks. Just throwing this out there: if you are ever my hypothetical husband's hypothetical mistress, I will hypothetically kill you and make it so they never find your body. Hypothetically speaking, of course. And i'd expect no less from you if the hypothetical roles were reversed.

failure to read may lead to blindness

jacey: life lesson: be sure to read the full label, don't just stop at "sensitive eyes." fmg. just put hard contact cleanser in my eye. still burns after 5 min of flushing eye with cold water.

lilly: that sucks! i have totally done that before i thought my eyeball was going to melt.

jacey: it's like my eye will hurt forever!!!

lilly: yeah, it takes a long time! put an ice pack on it to ease the burn a bit.

next day...

jacey: puddy made me a pirate eye patch.

lilly: glad to year you are recovering with a little flair.

having your priorities in check in mature world

jacey: so my dad tests me just now that there's another oil rig explosion in the gulf. i open cnn to look at the news and feel torn over what i should read first: 1. oil platform explodes in gulf, 2. rapper t.i. and wife arrested in LA, or 3. injury on set of transformers 3.

lilly: what happened on transformers???

jacey: update: 1. may not be active rig, not clear if oil leak risk at this point, all humans accounted for, 2. pot, 3. only an extra, serious head injury.

lilly: thank god it was only an extra. and who cares about pot anyways. oh and um, good for those people surviving... if it wasn't active why would it explode? idle things don't just combust.

don't eat tacos after midnight

Friend: Which of these is the reason I'm not in trial right now:

A) An officer forgot about trial and went out of state to visit his mother because she got a new dog

B) an officer got food poisoning from a 3am taco bell run and can't leave the toilet to testify

C) a mistrial was declared because I made a juror cry during jury selection

Roomie: Oh god i hope it is C!

Friend: B

Email red tape

Coworker sends task email: Task: Clean my whiteboard

Roomie: I don't have the requisite experience for that job.

Coworker: Excuses: on time. Task: Overdue.

Roomie: I'm sorry. I don't speak English.

Coworker: Eanclay ymay oardbay!

Roomie: I’m going to have to have you fill out some forms in order to properly document the need for me to clean your board.

Coworker: Clean it or FDA will declare it a biohazard, and you will be doing paperwork for years.

Roomie: We should discuss this. Are you free on Friday for a meeting?

Coworker: AGH! Next you will probably suggest a process council.

Roomie: Actually this probably needs a working group.

Colorado Girls Video comment...

Roomie: and really folks. i love chipotle but you shouldn't have a fat girl deep throating a burrito while singing about pot

If you are Bella does that make me a dead man or a wolf man?

Roomie: Plans this weekend?

Friend: Besides missing you?

Roomie: hahahah yes besides that. I assume that isn't limited to weekends.

Friend: Going to a second city show, dinner, and maybe dessert on chi on sat, maybe lunch in chi on sun, or just hitting up nordies if poss. you?

Friend: Right, its a constant aching hole in my heart. Probably similar to that experienced by Bella in New Moon in the book.

Roomie: Museums. Fine Art tonight, asian art and nat history tomorrow, and then MOMA on sunday.

Roomie: Prob less than Bella since you were able to leave your house but I appreciate the sentiment. I feel same about you. Like I am living in a dark world when I dont' have you around.

Friend: Nice. I hate you and your fancy skinny life. Please don't get so skinny that I can't wear your clothes when you die.

Gym time

Friend: I need some Jello to lay in. My arms are so tired from my workout last night (60 pushups in addition to my standard physical therapy 40 plank rows and 40 tricep extensions).

Roomie: Seriously I hate you. I can't even flush the toilet without eating a power bar first.

Birthday reservations for 2

Friend: I'm sorry you are sick. Get here now so we can have a pity party.

Roomie: Deal. I think on my bday we should order room service and sit in bathrobes in the room drinking champagne and wondering aloud why nobody loves us as much as we love ourselves.

Here's the marathon strategy...

Friend: Am total failure. Only ran 6 of the 9 mi i planned to run. My knee started hurting and i felt like i might vom, so i cut it at the end of the second lap. BOOOOO self. In my defense I didn't eat before I ran and its 80 w 70% humidity.

Roomie: I don't want to hear about your 6 mile failure. I haven't run in weeks. Not even a little. You just caused me to panic!

Friend: Well I had to take a poop break after 3. And I almost barfed. Still might. And you have less weight to carry. You'll be fine.

Roomie: Lets take lots of poop breaks.

fat is delicious

Friend: FML. I just tried on dresses and had such a fat experience. And I bought tiramisu earlier to eat tonight. I was having a good day. I want the tiramisu. But now 1. I feel like a cow and 2. I'll feel like i'm eating feelings even though i bought it before i was having a fat evening, and 3. I'll feel guilty while eating it, like "way to go fatty. This is why you look like shit in everything you wear you fat cow. So that's cool.

roomie: Uh you are NOT a fat cow. I have seen pics. Eat the damn cake and then go super light tomorrow on food so there won't be guilt.

Friend: I"m going out in Chicago tomorrow. I need to be able to indulge and not feel guilty. FML.

roomie: UGH. I'm sorry!

Friend: On the plus side, effing delicious.

Roomie: Loves it!

Friend: Not to be confused with Plus Sized.

Super Powers

Poker Player: (discussing how he got 2 girls numbers in 20 minutes and this was a shock to him bc he never meets women): Apparently i'm a seasoned pro!

Roomie: Who knew?

Poker Player: Not me

Roomie: Isn't it exciting to discover a super power?

Poker Player: haha

Roomie: Maybe you were bit by a radioactive pimp

Poker Player: Perhaps

Roomie: You probably would have noticed that though. But what happens in vegas stays in vegas

Poker Player: True. It was just a week. But if it keeps up i'll let you know.

My condolances. But this is going to be AWESOME.

Roomie: I feel like i'm dying today! I can't focus my eyes, my kidneys are throbbing, my jaw feels infected and i want to vom. You can have all my clothes and accessories when I die. And first dibs on anything else.

Friend: Thanks! PS I'll miss you!

Friend: Oh, and feel better.

Roomie: Ah thanks! I'll miuss you too unless i'm a ghost in which case i'll prob hang around you a lot but promise not to be a mean scary ghost.

Friend:will you spy for me?

Roomie: Totally! And i'll send you inside info on like foggy mirrors and shit bc i prob won't be able to talk to you.

Friend: Sweet.

Friend: This is going to be awesome.

Roomie: Except for the me dying part you mean.

Friend: Right. Obviously.

Friend: But i'm glad we've established a contingency plan.

Roomie: well if we learned anything from Katrina, it was to plan for an unforseen emergency.

Friend: And that the government hates minorities.

Roomie: Right.

Did you know bullets are DANGEROUS?

Roomie: Are you allergic to the metal in bullets?

Hubby: It's lead...

Roomie: Bullets are lead??!

Hubby: Yes lol

Roomie: Oh...well....lead poisoning aside - would you break out from a bullet?

Hubby: I haven't worn too many pieces of lead jewlery

Roomie: I'm shocked they are made of lead! That is dangerous!

Hubby: Um...don't ever get a gun or a bike. Your shock in their danger is a sign.

Roomie: Lead can make you so sick though! I assumed that we moved on to safer bullets!

Hubby: Safer bullets?

Roomie: I'm glad you taught me how unsafe LEAD bullets are!

Hubby: Yes. Silver ones are safe.

Roomie: Can I have a gun if I promise to only play with silver bullets?

Hubby: Only if they don't have gunpowder.

Roomie: You have to use gunpowder too? Seriously? This is like the American Revolution. Next you will tell me to attach that pointy stabby thing to the end of my rifle.

I can't allow you to go out anymore

Roomie: I"m so stressed out. I can't handle my life anymore. i need an assistant.

Friend: I"m declaring marshall law over your life.

Roomie: That seems legit.

I don't even know what to title this one...

DC: Does Friend think I"m funny?

Roomie: i have no idea. we never talk about it.

DC: i just didn't know if she ever said "man, that DC guy sure is a hoot and a half, gosh darn it"

This isn't going to work for me

Friend: (telling story about how her friend showed up 15 minutes before Friend planned to leave, thus forcing Friend to be ontime).

Roomie: That is really inconsiderate of her. she knows you are always late. She needs to accept it and stop trying to change you.

Friend: I know! I know you are mocking me but its true!

Roomie: I'm totally not mocking you! There is only room for one selfish person in a relationship...

Friend: And that person is obviously me!

Roomie: Exactly! So she needs to accept that and move on. If you are BOTH selfish your friendship will never work.

we can work it

DC: I love them (someecards). I want to work for them.

Roomie: we would be awesome ecard writers...we are just the right mix of asshole and funny

non sequitur? i hope?

19:55/17:55 Thursday evening

roomie leaves message for friend telling about crappy day, but making sure to point out that her crappy day pales in comparison to friend's supremely fml crappy day on wednesday. friend does not acknowledge bc she's a few glasses of wine into Twilight with a few coworkers.

13:12/11:12 Friday afternoon/morning

friend: loved your msg. OMG my ass hurts!

roomie: uh those are unrelated i hope. i don't even remember what i said in the message but i know it was a rambler.

15:49/13:49 Friday afternoon

friend: yea, unrelated.

true friendship

after friend tells roomie about her RIDICULOUSLY crappy day and roomie is the first person to legitimately sympathize.

roomie: yea, i was going to laugh because it was THAT bad, but i figured it's one of those things where it's only funny if it's not happening to you.

friend: oh i know, I admit, it's hilarious, like if it had happened to you I would've been cracking up.

roomie: haha, thanks.

friend: you know what i mean. i mean, i'd feel badly, but also laugh.

and now, a public service announcement

after viewing a psa about "true beauty" where a girl with down's syndrome is crowned homecoming queen.

friend: just because she's handicapped doesn't mean she's a good person. (coworkers look on in disbelief) what? she could be just as big of a bitch as the pretty girls.

On parking in San Francisco...

Roomie: hills, heels and a stick? plus i'm white. and a woman. and usually on the phone i mean, how high are their freaking expectations anyway??
i'm not a god!

My teacher is my date to prom

Rancher: I learned something new today!

Roomie: See! I could homeschool you.

...

Roomie: AND WE COULD GO TO HOMESCHOOL PROM TOGETHER!!!

Today we shall honor her memory...

Roomie: Blanche is dead...

Friend: NOOOOOOOO!!!! how? When? WHY??????

Roomie: Stroke last night! My old age role model is gone! I feel so lost!

Friend: Me too! This is a day for mourning. And possibly honorary whoring.

Roomie: yes. I feel like I should have sex with reckless abandon. Blanche would have wanted it that way.

Friend: Agreed!

poop..you fail.

Roomie: I am so glad you are back. I haven't been able to talk about poop for like 2 weeks.

Friend: I was going to text you about a poop today but I am always afraid i'll send it to the wrong person.

Roomie: Whatever. Text away. I had a really small poop today. I was so disappointed.

Friend: I don't feel like everyone will be as interested in hearing how good i feel after my mid morning poop.

Roomie: I was like, "poop...you fail."

seriously. i don't even think you are trying to keep me alive

DC: FUCK thief just stole 62 pounds of food! we are now on meager rationsand ROOMIE is very hungry

Roomie: fucking theives...you can shoot a god damn buffalo but you can't hit a person? what type of wagon train leader are you?

Ladies, lets go to the market

DC: I"m out of money...

Roomie: Sell some of the buffalo meat. Or one of your daughters. Wait. I don't think this game lets you sell women. that's Grand Theft Auto I"m thinking of...

More Oregon Trail

DC: I"m playing Oregon Trail...and you are on my wagon. You better not die Bitch.

Roomie: Just don't ford the river.

....

DC: I just made a big mistake...

Roomie: You forded the river didnt you? Did you ford the river and kill me???

DC: I forded the river...

Roomie: and???

DC: Mrs. DC DIED!!!

Roomie: Oh thank god it wasn't me. I mean, really it was her fault for breaking her arm earlier in the game anyway.

DC: True...

Roomie: I told you not to ford the river...

Oregon Trail WILL NEVER GET OLD

DC: I just took the wrong trail and lost 3 days. FML. My wagon living life.

prom for grown ups

DC: Are you feeling better?

Roomie: i'm still tired lol. nothing but a nap will fix that...but i'm going out with the banker tonight. so i'll go home, walk and feed mello, go out and maybe if i'm super lucky and the banker is not, i'll be home by 10.

DC: HAHA why do you want to be back by 10?

Roomie: To Fucking Sleep!

DC: hahahahhahhhahhaa nice

Roomie: Dude. I was up for 21 hours and then got 3 hours of sleep. its like prom. only much worse. because i have to work. and there was no fancy dress. and nobody made me breakfst....so way worse than prom actually

levels of screwed

Roomie: I would have been OK had my tax refund come...well maybe not OK but definitely less screwed. Like "just the tip" screwed instead of "gang banged like a porn star" screwed.

DC: HAHA BEST ANALOGY EVER. Although "just the tip" is kind of boring.

Roomie: Yes, but it is definitely LESS SCREWED

life is fair.

roomie: i'm still very upset about the cupcakes. like i don't know what to do for dinner now.

friend: do you seriously eat cupcakes for dinner?

roomie: yes. one for breakfast and one for dinner for 6 days, that makes 12. and on the 7th day i make a new batch. but now...

friend: okay, do you eat ANYTHING else?

roomie: i eat lunch.

friend: a legit lunch?

roomie: sometimes a boca burger for dinner dessert in reverse.

friend: do you eat snacks?

roomie: yea a legit lunch. lol. i get a monster salad or i go out to eat at a restaurant.

friend: how are you not 500 lbs?

roomie: and i clean that fucking plate. i don't know. magic. they are meth cupcakes?

friend: so just so we're clear... you eat 2 cupcakes a day and a legit lunch and don't work out.... i eat healthy food at regular intervals and workout 5 days a week... and YOU are the one who loses weight. That sum things up correctly?

roomie: um... yes. that sums it up. i drink a lot of soda too.

friend: when you die of complications from diabetes can i have your clothes? i hate you.

roomie: yes. lol. i know.

friend: they're probably too small for me. since i'm a fat ass.

roomie: i'm not toned at all if that helps.

friend: whatever.

roomie: i'm not pretty nekkid.

friend: you prob weigh less than i do.

roomie: because it is all fat.

friend: and you eat cupcakes.

roomie: i seriously jiggle.

friend: i fucking love cupcakes. i might eat a dozen on easter.

roomie: well give up lunch and dinner and you can eat two cupcakes a day too.

friend: like, fuck ham, make me some effing cupcakes.

looks like somebody's got a case of the mondays!

roomie: how was your monday?

friend: i hate crush.

roomie: whoa!

friend: i don't hate him. i'm still smitten, but miserable. i'm just going to chalk it up as drunk affection. of course i say that and will completely pine over him anyways. because i am a foolish, foolish girl.

roomie: yeah, i try telling myself how to feel and it doesn't fucking work for me either.

friend: stupid feelings.

roomie: i am sorry you are a foolish, foolish girl.

friend: fuck you, feelings!

roomie: YES

friend: thanks.

roomie: sometimes i wish i was a sociopath, because then i wouldn't have feelings.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

DC: If it makes you feel any better, I just read a Slate article about a woman whose son has a rubber glove fetish...and he is only 13!

Roomie: I DO feel better actually. But my friend has a fat bitch fetish he can't seem to shake so I guess I'd rather have the rubber glove fetish if I had to choose.

DC: what would you do if your son was looking at glove porn? and was asking you to buy rubber gloves?

Roomie: oh i would have aborted him before it got to that point

MethSpace

DC: man, there is a lot of white trash on myspace...its like the trailer park of social networks...i think i got a meth high just for being on it

detective school drop out

roomie: just called the cops to report my car stolen... it was still there and in fact only 5 spaces away from where i was standing.

friend: lmao.

roomie: yeah... that was the cop's reaction too.

friend: so are they the ones that found it?

roomie: yeah... he said, "you really thought if it wasn't in this exact spot it couldn't be anywhere else?"

friend: haha. i just told jr. boss man. he loves this story. seriously though. didn't you look anywhere else??

roomie: i was positive i had parked there!

friend: i'm dying.

roomie: i tried the tourist card too and he said, "there is NO excuse for this."

friend: thank you for sharing this. you've made my day.

roomie: i try. feel free to share this story-- i'm sure you already have.

friend: i've told most of the office.

roomie: i figured.

Woo Chic

Roomie: Is it safe to text you something embarassing and way TMI? I dont want to scare your coworkers again.

Friend: Yes.

Roomie: I have upper thigh soul patch. Like 2 hairs that are an inch long. How did I miss those shaving?!

Friend: HAHA at least it isn't your woo

Roomie: A woo soul patch? I am intrigued

Friend: Oh, well you know I don't have one. My woo is telly sevales style. But a woo soul patch would be gross.

Roomie: I would just braid it and go native woo. I have a woo buzz cut. Army Style. My woo could totes be a marine.

Friend: Mine is bald so i guess it could be a marine too. Haha braided native woo!!

Roomie: It could be very trendy.

Friend: Gross. Marine and bald woos are far superiour to native woo.

roomie: Well obviously because neither one of us would ever have a sub par woo.

Emergency Planning

Roomie: I'm going on a date tonight

Guy: OOh! Where are you going?

Roomie: I don't know. But I filled my purse with pretzels just in case he takes me somewhere I can't eat anything.

at least you made a grand entrance

Roomie: will walk into the church with my flask hidden in my thigh holster and god will strike me down...and when the lightning hits, my cigarettes will ignite and the alcohol will fuel the fire and not only will i be dead, but i'll be a dead smoker with a flask in a thigh holster

so THATs what eHarmony is for

DC: relationshps are overrated. think of all the freedom you have being single! and ready to mingle!

Roomie: remind me of that when i'm 50 and alone

DC: i will. and i'll show you how many people we know are divorced and miserable too
Roomie: i'll probably be playing yatzee with all of them anyway after we reconnect on eharmony

Dude. You are SERIOUSLY bitter.

Roomie: Next week I"m making red velvet cupcakes in honor of that shitty shitty holiday designed to remind single women to start investing in cats because nobody will ever love them. Oh and just to help them down the road to loneliness and despair - here is some chocolate.

presenting ms. cruella deville

friend: today i wore a dead fox around my neck. it complements my coat nicely.

roomie: i hope its carcass starts to rot.

friend: just the pelt. really i'm ensuring it didn't die in vain. i'm recycling so it doesn't go to waste.

roomie: thumbs down.

Tic Tic Tic Tic - you aren't getting any younger

Roomie: Dear Facebook: Why are all the ads on my page for breast implants, cosmetic dentistry and Plan B? I don't like what you are implying...

DC: facebook says you need plan b...facebook knows all!.....KNOWS ALL

Roomie: i know! and breast implants and veneers...wtf

DC: i'd be more worried about the plan b. i think you are preggers. facfebook told me a little while ago...but when you really freak out is when you see Planned Parenthood ads!

Roomie: or give your baby up for adoption ads...if i have a kid though, i can get 10K from Obama to go back to school! (per facebook)

Roomie: and can hang out in cafe mom where moms go to connect (per facebook)

DC: get "We NEED SWAT and CSI police NOW!"

Roomie: why do i get the freaking kid ads?

DC: Cuz you are preggers

Roomie: its like facebook is sitting there going (tic tic tic tic - time's running out - you aren't getting any younger...)

DC: its from the new facebook/google ovary-pheremone monitoring algorithm they started employing last week. you are screwed

Roomie: maybe that is why i havent needed the iPad this month

OMG this sauce is amazing!

Roomie: Do you like avocados?

Hubby: I love them.

Roomie: You have to try this. It has a really good sauce on it!

Hubby: ... That's Italian dressing...

a lesson in language

DC: see your woo trying to eat your pants?

Roomie: i said my pants were riding up so much that it looked like my woo was trying to eat them

DC: i htought you meant you had a asian guy behind you or something...i've never heard the term woo

Roomie : or my yoni if woo is an unfamiliar term

Its not contempt! Its love!

Friend: chances are high that i totally fucked up on a trial that i did not expect to go on thursday but that apparently is now on. awesome. i'll tell you about it later tonight. i miss you! come here and be a PD

Roomie: can i come be a DA instead? Or a contracts specialist? Something that doesn't involve trials....

Friend: then we can conflict out of like all of our trials. "sorry, your honor. i have a conflict." "ms. District Attorney, wtf is your conflict?" "i love the defense atty." "like in a lesbian way?" "eew, no. she's my bfff." "what's the extra f for?" "fucking. haven't you seen pineapple express your honor?" "no. if you two pull this shit again i'm holding you both in contempt." "will you give us work release? because if the answer is no... we have another trial scheduled later this month..." "why doesn't one of you withdraw?" "because otherwise they don't pay us to call each other."

Post half marathon analysis

Roomie: Don't judge. I know I am fat and that my woo is eating my pants

Friend: you make the same running face i do.

Roomie: I believe that face is called 'desperate for air"

Friend: and i did NOT see your woo trying to eat your pants

Roomie: Look closer - its a feeding frenzy.

Friend: also, you are not fat! to the contrary, you look quite sporty in your pics

Roomie: I buy fancy running gear to trick people into thinking i'm athletic. If you look at the pasty white cellulitey thighs you will notice those aren't the thighs of an athlete - or even of a whore.

Friend: when i ran shamrock my pic crossing the finish line... i tried to "smile" but instead i looked downy

Roomie: i think your smile is beautiful.

Friend: it was rough. i think it's because my face is so flat, from certain angles i look really downy

Roomie: you do NOT have a flat face you r-tard.

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system

Ira: tornado warning in affect for north east of vacaville! soo like the woodland area look out!....i can like see woodland from here. ummmm time to hunker down, grab a drink, and pray for daylight. currently watching the river...its rising.

Roomie: Come stay with me. its safer. except for the ocean/massive flooding part. but there are no tornados!

Ira: im waiting for the volcano warning to hit.

Roomie: don't forget the earthquake warning

Ira: ummm we dont have earthquakes here silly...thats oklahoma.

Roomie: Oh right. my bad. we had "hurricane strength wind" here this morning. I had no idea the bay area was in a hurricane zone. but at least i don't have to worry about tornados.

Ira: TSUNAMI!!! FROM CHINA

Bwa ha ha. we are witty. and read the news.

Roomie: haha i guess i could just do chat instead of commenting non stop on your status

IRA: i looked at my phne and thought the same thing

Roomie: haha

IRA: but i liked that too - it shows people how witty we are

Roomie: haha true! AND how up to date we are on the news!

IRA: um national weather service ...DUH...all the cool people are doing it...i was on the roof scrapping leaves

Roomie: What? you are insane!

IRA: watching the dark clouds roll in

Roomie: The roof on our patio ripped off this am when i was trying to feed my dog. poor lil guy was so scared

IRA: haha im getting movie visuals...i was on the roof.

Roomie: lol no wonder you are freaking out about the river you tard

IRA: no no - im not freaking out. im going to drink merlot and watch

I don't think the message is getting across

Roomie: btw i'll be in sac on the 30th for an all day legal class so we should get lunch or dinner.

IRA: Dinner. Drinks.

Roomie: I'll definitely need a drink bc i'm taking a class on drug and alcohol addiction.

Subscription Granted

IRA: J J J JACCKK

Roomie: HAHAHAH

IRA: i loved that email

Roomie: ddddoontt leave me jjjjack....i'm sssssooo cold!

IRA: i want to read it agian...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
i laugh in my head everytime i remember you reading it

Roomie: lol

IRA: i want to subsricbe to her emails

Roomie: www.stupidroomie.blogspot.com

IRA: shut up

Roomie: subscription granted

IRA: oh ... my ... god ....shawty got low low low loww

IRA: haha its on right now

cows and cats

IRA: He bought 2 $30000 leather couches

Roomie: 30K???

IRA: uhh yeah

Roomie: OMG. was it like a super holy cow or something?

IRA: the cats will fuck em up - they dont appreciate anything

Roomie: those little bastards. there is a reason god invented dogs

IRA: sniff crotches?

Roomie: what??

MC laid the hammer down!

Friend: Do you think Winston Churchill would be as famous if his name were Matt? or Bob?

Roomie: Absolutely. Look how famous JFK was and he was just a John.

Friend: Matt Churchill doesn't have the same ring to it. And think about JFK. It was never John Kennedy - it was John F. Kennedy or JFK. Same with jr.

Roomie: Maybe if Winston was a Matt we would call him MC!

Men are dawgs

DC: why do you need for me to publicly dislplay my affection for you on FB? isn't my time now enough for you?

Roomie: no.

Roomie: i need something i can show off

Roomie: duh

Roomie: because a conversation with girls will go like this:

me: he is so good to me
them: aww girl that is great. but why doesn't he show it.
me: he does! every day
them: mmmm hmmmm
me: no seriously
them: seems like he is hiding something if he isn't willing to go public
me: can't we have a private friendship
them: girl, you know we love you but unless he puts a ring on that finger and commits (or in this case - writes on your wall) ... its time you face it. he is a dawg. a cheatin lyin dawg. prolly has two kids on the side.
me: whaT???
them: we didn't want to say anything but we have always hated him
me: crying. you are SO right! sniffle. he is a dawg! i can't ebleive he is cheating on me. AND he has kids. You guys are such great friends. what would I do without you?

Opposites attract

DC: god, we have a lot of fun! i'm proud of us

Roomie: me too

DC: its gonna suck when we get real jobs and can't do this anyomore

Roomie: what do you mean? we have real jobs...and why can't we do this when you are prez and i'm on the lam?

Its so hard to find good help

Roomie: hey what pic is my gchat profile pic?

DC: its of your ass

Roomie: excellent. my ass face or just my ass?

DC: crack and all

Roomie: that is great. i waas hoping it would show up - i washed it before photographing it and put a little powder on it so there wouldn't be any shine

DC: that is good - look into bleaching next time

Roomie: i waxed...wtf. that bitch ALWAYS leaves a landing strip and I keep telling her --- the landing is in THE FRONT! argh

DC: haha landing strip in the front lol.

DC: no, its the pic of you in your tutu

Roomie: OK good.

Mmmm. breakfast dessert...

Friend: breakfast. mmm. breakfast dessert. mmm. i miss you. i believe it's time for a vacay involving no pants and a passport

Roomie: I miss you too. Its always time for a no pants vacay. you can never have too many of those.

Dude seriously looks like Jesus

Boss: What up Ukiah Jesus? Remember that time you turned beer into puke? A pretty good miracle, but next time I want to see you turn pepsi into coke.

Roomie: I remember the time he turned beer into puke. Although as I recall it, he didn't even do that first! Lame.

Ukiah Jesus: It is one of my many talents. If you remember, I turned milk into puke, too!

gutter bunny

FB man on Sissy's profile: I have not, for sure if you know all the good stuff down there let me know what to look for! :) thanks

Roomie: um out of context this is a very dirty post...

Conversation in lyrics

FB Chick: "wake up in the morning feeling like p-diddy! grab my glasses, i'm out the door, i'm gonna hit this city! before i leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of jack! 'cause when i leave for the night, i ain't coming back!"

Roomie: yes, but are we human? or are we dancers? you gotta let me know....

FB Chick: dancers...not even a question

Roomie: Phew. Cuz i'm a dancing queen..feel the beat from the tambourine...I'm a teaser, I turn them on...something something..then i'm gone?

FB Chick: somebody call 9-1-1!

Random: Fire Burnin On The Dance Floor!!!!

Roomie:Pants on the floor, pants on the floor, you look like a fool with your pants on the floor!

FB Chick: hat turned sideways..lookin' like a fool! gold all in your mouth..lookin' like a fool..what ya gunna with your pants on the ground!

Roomie: Maybe that is why I am lonely...oh so lonely

FB chick: cause nothing compares TO YOU!

Roomie: That's because I am a gangsta gangsta

FB chick: they see me rollin'..they hatin'..you know they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty!

Roomie: cuz i'm a balla. shot calla. 20 inch blades on the impala!

FB Chick: make em say uuuhhhh..uuuhhh na na na naaaa!

Roomie: I want you to love me down, lets go for what we know, hold me so tight then love me some more

FB Chick: well alright..were jammin..i wanna jam it with you! were jammin & i hope you like jammin too!

Roomie: So I put my hands up they’re playing my song, and the butterflys fly away! Noddin’ my head like yeah - moving my hips like yeah

FB Chick: can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline..that's where i'm gonna wait, for you! i'll be lookin' out, night n'day!took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay..i can't go any further than this! i want you so bad it's my only wish!!

Roomie: Now that you can't have me - that's when you want meBut, baby, it's too late. Time to set the record straight

FB Chick: don't turn around..'cause you're gonna see my heart breaking! don't turn around, i don't want you seeing me cry..just walk away! it's tearing me up that you're leaving..i'm letting you go!!

Roomie: Baby bye bye bye!

FB Chick: this thing called love..i just can't handle it! this thing called love..i must get rid of it, i aint ready! crazy little thing called love ♥

Roomie: Baby Come back! You can blame it ALL on ME!

FB Chick: there aint no rest for the wicked! money don't grow on trees! i got bills to pay..i got mouths to feed! there aint nothin' in this world for free!

Roomie: Just throw it in the bag!

FB Chick: 'cause my body is too booty-licious for you babbbaaayyy!

Roomie: Shoulda put a ring on it

You are an idiot. With a drinking problem.

Roomie finds facebook message sent a year ago and forwarded it to DC:

"hi ex-cop!!! this is sephie...we met a while back at your place nad i borrowed your slippers. thanks! so i'm drunk. obv. anyway you are awesome and i wish you were here because the people here are llame and think they need to sleep to ski. muthafuckas. so we need to party. Hot Guy says he thinks you are mad at him. that is sad. he is a good guy and likes your frienship and i shouldn't get involved because i'm just another friend. anwyay i hope you make amends with Hot Guy because he really misses you. He didn't meant to do you wrong. Just talk to him, please. sorry we (I) called you at like early am. I really think you are awesome and i hope we all can get together and make love. brown chick a brown cow. awesome. hah. i'm obv. kidding. so the point of this rambling message is that i wanted to say heeeey and we need to get together so call me. or chris. prob. chris bc you have his number. see you soon! Roomie (aka sephie but not like syphylis cuz i'm totally clean) "

DC: brown chick a brown cow? lol awesome.

Roomie: I'm totally clean? we should make love? OMG this is BAD

Roomie: WHAT WAS I THINKING???

DC: Clearly you were having a good time.

Roomie: in my defense that was the night that hot guy and i both got alcohol poisoning in tahoe and i was trying to hold him down bc he was shaking so violently

Roomie: that doesn't sound like a good defense actually. i think that makes it worse...

people in glass houses sink ships

friend: my cousin is a liar. either she's lying to me or she's lying to facebook.

friend: she listed running as an interest on facebook. but she told me she hasn't run in a really long time. and when we tried to run together she was an epic fail. so i believe she is a damn dirty liar.

roomie: haha she is lying on facebook.

friend: damn liar. maybe i'll have to have the liars go to hell with her like i had with my nine year old cousin. an ironic conversation given me.

*note, friend enjoys some duplicity now and then.

**note, now and then might be a slight understatement.

roomie: hahahahaha.

friend: i asked the nine year old if she loved her mother, if she thought her mother would go to heaven one day, and then i let her know that liars go to hell and if she lies she'll never see her mother again.

friend: i'm not sure why people say i'm not a kid person.

roomie: HAHAHAHAHA.

roomie: omg, i loves it.

How DID this happen??

Roomie: My boss told me that his wife left him... and I was like...i don't know what to say...
what do you say when you are having lunch and your ex boss is like "well...i have some news...my wife and i are separated."

Roomie: um...sorry?

Roomie:i hope...the divorce isn't ugly?

Friend: "i'm sorry to hear that."

Friend:"is there anything i can do, besides blowing/fucking you, to help?"

Roomie: LOL right? because i didn't want to say "let me know if there is anything I can do.." because i didn't want to actually do anything for him!

Friend:right, i think that's where you just say, i'm sorry to hear that. and then MAYBE say if he needs to talk you can listen.

Friend: but that opens the shoulder to cry on door, and shoulders are close to breasts, and then suddenly you're fucking and you're like, "how did this happen?"