Did you know bullets are DANGEROUS?

Roomie: Are you allergic to the metal in bullets?

Hubby: It's lead...

Roomie: Bullets are lead??!

Hubby: Yes lol

Roomie: Oh...well....lead poisoning aside - would you break out from a bullet?

Hubby: I haven't worn too many pieces of lead jewlery

Roomie: I'm shocked they are made of lead! That is dangerous!

Hubby: Um...don't ever get a gun or a bike. Your shock in their danger is a sign.

Roomie: Lead can make you so sick though! I assumed that we moved on to safer bullets!

Hubby: Safer bullets?

Roomie: I'm glad you taught me how unsafe LEAD bullets are!

Hubby: Yes. Silver ones are safe.

Roomie: Can I have a gun if I promise to only play with silver bullets?

Hubby: Only if they don't have gunpowder.

Roomie: You have to use gunpowder too? Seriously? This is like the American Revolution. Next you will tell me to attach that pointy stabby thing to the end of my rifle.

I can't allow you to go out anymore

Roomie: I"m so stressed out. I can't handle my life anymore. i need an assistant.

Friend: I"m declaring marshall law over your life.

Roomie: That seems legit.

I don't even know what to title this one...

DC: Does Friend think I"m funny?

Roomie: i have no idea. we never talk about it.

DC: i just didn't know if she ever said "man, that DC guy sure is a hoot and a half, gosh darn it"

This isn't going to work for me

Friend: (telling story about how her friend showed up 15 minutes before Friend planned to leave, thus forcing Friend to be ontime).

Roomie: That is really inconsiderate of her. she knows you are always late. She needs to accept it and stop trying to change you.

Friend: I know! I know you are mocking me but its true!

Roomie: I'm totally not mocking you! There is only room for one selfish person in a relationship...

Friend: And that person is obviously me!

Roomie: Exactly! So she needs to accept that and move on. If you are BOTH selfish your friendship will never work.

we can work it

DC: I love them (someecards). I want to work for them.

Roomie: we would be awesome ecard writers...we are just the right mix of asshole and funny

non sequitur? i hope?

19:55/17:55 Thursday evening

roomie leaves message for friend telling about crappy day, but making sure to point out that her crappy day pales in comparison to friend's supremely fml crappy day on wednesday. friend does not acknowledge bc she's a few glasses of wine into Twilight with a few coworkers.

13:12/11:12 Friday afternoon/morning

friend: loved your msg. OMG my ass hurts!

roomie: uh those are unrelated i hope. i don't even remember what i said in the message but i know it was a rambler.

15:49/13:49 Friday afternoon

friend: yea, unrelated.

true friendship

after friend tells roomie about her RIDICULOUSLY crappy day and roomie is the first person to legitimately sympathize.

roomie: yea, i was going to laugh because it was THAT bad, but i figured it's one of those things where it's only funny if it's not happening to you.

friend: oh i know, I admit, it's hilarious, like if it had happened to you I would've been cracking up.

roomie: haha, thanks.

friend: you know what i mean. i mean, i'd feel badly, but also laugh.

and now, a public service announcement

after viewing a psa about "true beauty" where a girl with down's syndrome is crowned homecoming queen.

friend: just because she's handicapped doesn't mean she's a good person. (coworkers look on in disbelief) what? she could be just as big of a bitch as the pretty girls.

On parking in San Francisco...

Roomie: hills, heels and a stick? plus i'm white. and a woman. and usually on the phone i mean, how high are their freaking expectations anyway??
i'm not a god!

My teacher is my date to prom

Rancher: I learned something new today!

Roomie: See! I could homeschool you.

...

Roomie: AND WE COULD GO TO HOMESCHOOL PROM TOGETHER!!!

Today we shall honor her memory...

Roomie: Blanche is dead...

Friend: NOOOOOOOO!!!! how? When? WHY??????

Roomie: Stroke last night! My old age role model is gone! I feel so lost!

Friend: Me too! This is a day for mourning. And possibly honorary whoring.

Roomie: yes. I feel like I should have sex with reckless abandon. Blanche would have wanted it that way.

Friend: Agreed!