If you are Bella does that make me a dead man or a wolf man?

Roomie: Plans this weekend?

Friend: Besides missing you?

Roomie: hahahah yes besides that. I assume that isn't limited to weekends.

Friend: Going to a second city show, dinner, and maybe dessert on chi on sat, maybe lunch in chi on sun, or just hitting up nordies if poss. you?

Friend: Right, its a constant aching hole in my heart. Probably similar to that experienced by Bella in New Moon in the book.

Roomie: Museums. Fine Art tonight, asian art and nat history tomorrow, and then MOMA on sunday.

Roomie: Prob less than Bella since you were able to leave your house but I appreciate the sentiment. I feel same about you. Like I am living in a dark world when I dont' have you around.

Friend: Nice. I hate you and your fancy skinny life. Please don't get so skinny that I can't wear your clothes when you die.

Gym time

Friend: I need some Jello to lay in. My arms are so tired from my workout last night (60 pushups in addition to my standard physical therapy 40 plank rows and 40 tricep extensions).

Roomie: Seriously I hate you. I can't even flush the toilet without eating a power bar first.

Birthday reservations for 2

Friend: I'm sorry you are sick. Get here now so we can have a pity party.

Roomie: Deal. I think on my bday we should order room service and sit in bathrobes in the room drinking champagne and wondering aloud why nobody loves us as much as we love ourselves.

Here's the marathon strategy...

Friend: Am total failure. Only ran 6 of the 9 mi i planned to run. My knee started hurting and i felt like i might vom, so i cut it at the end of the second lap. BOOOOO self. In my defense I didn't eat before I ran and its 80 w 70% humidity.

Roomie: I don't want to hear about your 6 mile failure. I haven't run in weeks. Not even a little. You just caused me to panic!

Friend: Well I had to take a poop break after 3. And I almost barfed. Still might. And you have less weight to carry. You'll be fine.

Roomie: Lets take lots of poop breaks.

fat is delicious

Friend: FML. I just tried on dresses and had such a fat experience. And I bought tiramisu earlier to eat tonight. I was having a good day. I want the tiramisu. But now 1. I feel like a cow and 2. I'll feel like i'm eating feelings even though i bought it before i was having a fat evening, and 3. I'll feel guilty while eating it, like "way to go fatty. This is why you look like shit in everything you wear you fat cow. So that's cool.

roomie: Uh you are NOT a fat cow. I have seen pics. Eat the damn cake and then go super light tomorrow on food so there won't be guilt.

Friend: I"m going out in Chicago tomorrow. I need to be able to indulge and not feel guilty. FML.

roomie: UGH. I'm sorry!

Friend: On the plus side, effing delicious.

Roomie: Loves it!

Friend: Not to be confused with Plus Sized.

Super Powers

Poker Player: (discussing how he got 2 girls numbers in 20 minutes and this was a shock to him bc he never meets women): Apparently i'm a seasoned pro!

Roomie: Who knew?

Poker Player: Not me

Roomie: Isn't it exciting to discover a super power?

Poker Player: haha

Roomie: Maybe you were bit by a radioactive pimp

Poker Player: Perhaps

Roomie: You probably would have noticed that though. But what happens in vegas stays in vegas

Poker Player: True. It was just a week. But if it keeps up i'll let you know.

My condolances. But this is going to be AWESOME.

Roomie: I feel like i'm dying today! I can't focus my eyes, my kidneys are throbbing, my jaw feels infected and i want to vom. You can have all my clothes and accessories when I die. And first dibs on anything else.

Friend: Thanks! PS I'll miss you!

Friend: Oh, and feel better.

Roomie: Ah thanks! I'll miuss you too unless i'm a ghost in which case i'll prob hang around you a lot but promise not to be a mean scary ghost.

Friend:will you spy for me?

Roomie: Totally! And i'll send you inside info on like foggy mirrors and shit bc i prob won't be able to talk to you.

Friend: Sweet.

Friend: This is going to be awesome.

Roomie: Except for the me dying part you mean.

Friend: Right. Obviously.

Friend: But i'm glad we've established a contingency plan.

Roomie: well if we learned anything from Katrina, it was to plan for an unforseen emergency.

Friend: And that the government hates minorities.

Roomie: Right.