Unassailable logic

SJ: oh and i just noticed that im starting to get a turkey neck.  so sexy

 

Lily: you do NOT have turkey neck

 

SJ: oh yes ... i saw it

 

Lily: Look. I'm highly judgemental. especially of my friends because i have to know when i'm not going to stand a chance of being the center of attention.    If you had turkey neck, i would have noticed it and would be secretly gloating right now.  I'm not gloating. that would put me in a GOOD mood and i'm clearly having a BAD week ergo you do NOT have turkey neck.  go ahead.

just TRY to argue with that logic.

Golden Girls

Friend: At what age will we be the Golden Girls?

Roomie: 50

Friend: Can we agree that there will be no Rose? I can't stand her.

Roomie: Yeah, there will only be blanche and the mom. Maybe Dorothy but she is iffy.

Friend: Rose gotta die.

Friend: We can each be 50% Sofia and 50% Blanche

Roomie: The perfect combination of sass and whore.

Clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time

Jacey: we missed our calling as evil genius and trusty henchman.

Lily: wait. why am i the henchman? i've got looser morals than you. i think i should get to be the evil genius

Jacey: i'm more calculating than you are.

Lily: i'm not really good at following directions

Jacey: think of it like I'm magneto and you're mystique. so you get to be rebecca romaine lettuce while i'm sir ian mckellan. i think you win this one.

Lily: LOL i love our debates

Jacey: i bend metal. you get to shape shift and do the actual dirty work. me too. clearly we are the great intellectuals of our time.

You still live inside...so there is that...

Lily: this will make you feel better about your life: This morning i saw a pink top or maybe a dress in the gutter. and my immediate thought was, "i wonder if that is my size. i really like the color. if i washed it, it wouldn't be that bad."

Jacey: you are gross

Lily: i'm a fucking homeless person!

Jacey:

you have an apt.

you're not homeless.

you just have homeless tendencies

Purse Physics

Holly:
i think it's many a woman's plight
if there is space (in a purse) we will fill it
but there is also so much shit we need

Lilly: like a 2 pound burrito. "just in case"

Holly: exactly - or sandals bc your heals always give you blisters

Lilly: and of course band aids to use on the blisters

Holly: and moleskin as well.  neosporin to prevent infection.

Lilly: tylenol (for the pain)

Holly: a 32oz bottle of water

Lilly: oh then some hand santizer since you are fiddling with your feet.  and lotion since the sanitizer dries out your hands.

Holly: bottle of nailpolish to touch up your manicure.

Lilly: and pedicure since now you are showing your toes in your flip flops! (add a top coat so there are no chips)

Lilly: and after all that work, i get a bit sweaty so i need deoderant

Holly: and mascara in case you need to reapply before dinner

Lilly: If i'm redoing the mascara i probably should just touch up everything. since i'm in there.

Holly: and always moisurizer with spf if you go out in the sun
and something to read
and your calendar

Lilly: maybe some extra jewlery in case you need to make an outfit fancier?

Holly: and a jacket or sweater bc sf is alawys cold

Lilly: some underwear and a toothbrush. "just in case."

Holly: and then all of a sudden you have a 50lb purse...huh how did that happen?

Lilly: "what the? my wallet doesn't even fit in this purse! i need a bigger purse!"

F*&! nature

Lilly: there is a fucking hawk or something screaming outside my window.  or a sad baby bird...or bird sounding cat...whatever. it is really annoying. i wish my windows opened and that i had a gun

Holly: i have annoying birds at home like that.  and if i wake up it keeps sqwawking and i can't go back to sleep.

Lilly: fucking nature

Holly: yeah couldn't god have given them a better fucking voice?? shit man

date night

Jacey:  examples of potential texts you might receive:  1.  he was wearing a flannel shirt and i walked out immediately, 2.  he had a perma smile that made him look like plastic and i excused myself to the restroom and climbed out the window, 3.  he was charming and we have scheduled a second dated, 4.  he was nice, i'll give him a second shot, 5.  meh, not interested.
6.  i've got his twin's number so we can be sister wives.

Lilly: i like 6. also 2. but i'm hoping for 3. unless charming = sociopath in which case i'm worried on your behalf.

Jacey: Charming does NOT equal serial killer.

Lilly:  good.  but that is always what you hear about serial killers. that they were charming. so be careful.

Jacey: true, good call.

the most terrifying friendship ever

Hubby: sorry things are rough with your boyfriend. Just know that you are right for me. So turn that frown upside down.

Lilly: I love you! someday when polygamy is allowed, I expect to be your number 2

Hubby: I"m listening to "true colors" and it is bringin a tear to my eye as I think about you. Lame, I realize.

Lilly: You will always be my baby.

Lilly: Seriously. if you try to leave me i will find you.

Hubby:  Aww! and this is why I love you! Fucking adorable. I love seeing your little face pressed against my window.

Tuesday Frowns

SJ: I caught Al Pacino in a doozy of a lie.  \He tried to cover it up but I took his sorry tales and tore them to shred.  He doesn't like it when i do that. Huh. Too fucking bad dude.  Damn, if it isn't always fucking something.

Lilly: Fuckin a. I'm sorry.

SJ: THis is crap. I can't even get angry. I'm almost insulted at how easy he makes it to find things out. ..

Lilly:Good luck. I'll pack my ninja suit next week if you need me to.

SJ: Sweet! Success will be ours and we will celebrate with margaritas and drag queens and Karaoke at 2 in the morning

Lilly: So this will go down on Tuesday then?

SJ: What makes you say Tuesday?

Lilly: It just sounded like what I used to do on Tuesday nights in Sacramento

SJ: I hate tuesdays more than mondays!

Lilly: you wouldn't if tuesday ended with a drag queen singing karaoke while you drank margaritas

Sj: I could turn that tuesday frown upside down!

Lilly's Moday Morning Rant to SJ:

fml i'm so tired
i thought today was sunday
then realized it was monday but then thought "wait! it is labor day! i can stay in bed!"
fail
i'm also bloated so i wore fat pants. and they fit perfectly. they are just pants now. which makes me sad. so i thought 'i'll go for a run before my deposition starts at 1230!" but i forgot my shoes. fail.
fail fail fail.
i'm one big fat failure
emphasis on the big and fat
....
....
i hope you aren't in a webex. if so, hello everyone! i hope you feel better about yourselves now! you are WELCOME!