Round One : Me

Roomie: and yet...i was going to dress up as a slutty 8 year old to drive 6 hours to party with a gay man i don't know in a city i am unfamiliar with wchihc is dangerously close to the mexican border...OH and i'd be doing all of this as a british citizen so i could stay in a hostel.

DC: Well when you put it that way....

Roomie: SO when i wake up in mexico with a gay man dressed as a slutty 8 year old, I will go on a tour fo a tequila factory and then i'll not be able to get back into america

Roomie: bc i won't be an american...haha

Roomie: OMG i HAVE to go to LA! that sounds like THE BEST STORY EVER! holy crap! i think i convinced myself with the tour of the tequila factory

Roomie: i really know how to play on my own weaknesses

DC: wow. you won your arguemtn with yourself because you played up to your own weaknesses. that is pretty amazing

SWF seeks...

Roomie: but i'm trying to figure out how to get to la bc i wanna see him. anyone who can wake up in a casino with no recollection of checking in, down a grand, minus a car and missing all the buttons off his shirt...all without abusing drugs? that is my kind of man...

DC: Yeah. No doubt. That is a man after my own sordid heart.

WOW. all i can say here is WOW.

Friend: Let me break it down for you. It is 415 your time. Here’s what it is time to do. Answer the phone close the door to your office. Turn off the lights. All you have to do is anytime you hear footsteps all you need to do is go no, no, yes, that is not what we are doing on that file, I understand I understand uh huh uh huh and then pretend we are talking about something business related. That is how its going to have to be my friend because I haven’t talked to you in for fucking ever because I go to sleep to early for you bc I am ridiculous. And you drive to work after I am already at work. I drive to work while you are still sleeping and I drive home from work while you are still at work and you drive home from work while I am eating dinner and then by that time I am basically ready for bed.

In conclusion you will have to pretend we are talking business and randomly have conversations that involve “NO mr. so and so I do not have that file for you” flawless plan and I don’t see how this could possibly backfire.

In the event you want to move here, I am pretty sure I could get a job for you in Child Support and you would actually be making more money than me. So, that would be nice for you and we could work together so you could be making more money than me with my friend who is great and would like you and is a straight female. Which is a huge bonus. And then…oh god Now I can just see you surrounded by baby daddies bc your luck they would all love you and you would be like “oooh baby….”


CALLS BACK….Gets disconnected…texts…”your phone hates me”

just a little spritz

Roomie tells story about creeper...

Guy: How do you FIND these people? You must be giving off a scent...

Roomie: Maybe I should stop wearing Eau'd desparate young boy...

more texts from last night

friend (10:59 pm): how were drinks, mah luuuuuuuv?

friend (12:50am): i live tequilla.

friend (12:50am): love. p.

friend (12:51am): like sands through the hour glass.

coworker (12:24pm next day): friend, you hangin in there?

texts from last night

friend (12:56am): i love tequilla. if i'm bring jm Nnest, it's pro babih my best fdiens.

friend (12:57am): bff

friend (12:57am): what i'm swing here is were close. like peas ane carrots.

roomie (12:35 pm next day): Dear Friend, please check your outgoing messages from last night. Haha.

friend: already did. you got the gems.

roomie: lmao. Classic!

a girl can dream

Roomie: when we are billionaires we can drive lazy boys around our estates

DC: YES or more importantly our servants can drive them for us

Roomie: yes we can have the annual servant games to see who gets the coveted position of lazboy driver

DC: YES!!!! feats of strength! matches of wit mixing of drink competitions with Medals! for us to wear, not them

Roomie: OMG the future is so beautiful. I think i might cry!

they have an excellent 30 day return or exchange policy

New Roomie: I am going to go check the PO box before class tonight.

Roomie: Ok. Let me know if my mail order husband came.

New Roomie: If he is cute and not gay I'm keeping him.

Roomie: They better not send another gay. I JUST returned the last one!

More proof I was destined to be single

Clingy: Hi

Roomie: Hi (Roomie avoided him for 2 days and it got her NOWHERE so lets try talking to him)

Clingy: How are you.

Roomie: Sick. Tired. Just got home from work at 9pm.

Clingy: Awwww. Sick? What happened?

Roomie: What happened? I don't know. I'm going to go with a virus infiltrated my body and now my white blood cells are fighting it off while leaving me feeling crummy. I could be wrong though.

Clingy: I can fix that.

Roomie: What?

Clingy: I can make you feel better

Roomie: Not unless you can write prescriptions.

Clingy: What do you need?

Roomie: Xanax and vicodin

Clingy: How about I write a prescription for a Date? With me?

Roomie: No thanks. I'd rather have the xanax and vicodin.

Clingy: How about a date tonight

Roomie: Are you retarded? It is 930 already and I just told you that I am sick and tired. I don't want to go on a date.

Clingy: But a date will make you feel better. I make a mean soup.

Roomie: Listen. If you want to go out with me you have to plan in advance. I am a very very busy person. I wkae up at 5 am EVERY morning. If I'm not goint to work I'm going to a race or I am training. I want to be in bed by 10pm every night. including friday night. I work late hours. But if you give me a day and a time for dinner I can arrange to be there. Also I am vegan. So if that is too much work for you, that is fine. We can just be friends.

Clingy: That isn't too much work for me. So do you want to go out with me?

Roomie: Haven't we had this conversation a MILLION times? Seriously.

Clingy: Ok. Well it seems like you don't want to go out with me so I am just checking.

Roomie: I just told you I would go out with you. LIke 30 seconds ago.

Clingy: Friday 5pm to 10pm

Roomie: Are you serious?

Clingy: Yes :)

Roomie: Absolutely not. but out of curiousity what would we be doing.

Clingy: I don't know.

Roomie: See, that isn't planned. Also a 5 hour date is ridiculous. And the very earliest I get out of work would be 530 so then I have to go home and shower and change and then drive to meet you.

Clingy: I could pick you up.

Roomie: I don't want you to knmow where i live

Clingy: I could pick you up at work

Roomie: Then I don't get to shower and change.

Clingy: You could shower at my place

Roomie: I'd rather have the xanax and vicodin

Clingy: OK so Friday 7-10

Roomie: How about next tuesday. Dinner at 7pm. And then I go home after dinner.

Clingy: You are the one backing out now!!!

Roomie: No. if i was backing out I would say "i changed my mind. I don't want to date you. Thanks for playing." I am unavailable on Friday so I offered another day but if this is how the date will be maybe I should say "thanks for playing but you have been eliminated."

Clingy: haha. I was just giving you a hard time. don't worry. Don't feel bad.

Roomie: What?

Clingy: Tuesday MIGHT work for me. I'll have to check my schedule

Roomie: You do that. Oh and fyi if you call me tuesday afternoon asking to hang out the answer will be no because I will have made other plans.

This is why I don't date

Clingy: Hi

Roomie: hello

Clingy: How are you?

Roomie: Good. Working. You?

Clingy: Same.

Clingy: I was gonna c if u wanted to hang out but it seems you are occupied.

Roomie: Sorry. one of the downfalls of having a job is you have to show up

Clingy: I wasn't saying now, silly. I have a job too.

Roomie: Ok. well we can do dinner but I can't stay out late because I have a race tomorrow morning and one on sunday morning as well.

Clingy: :(

Roomie: Maybe we can see a movie this weekend. i will check my afternoon schedules.

Clingy: :( What time? I didn't dress for the occassion.

Roomie: Sometime I am free tomorrow. i said I would check my schedule. And weekend doesn't mean friday because I have a JOB so you don't have to worry about what you are wearing today

Clingy: how long is your run?

Roomie: 3.5 miles on saturday plus a 3 hour bike ride and then 3.1 and 6.2 mile runs on Sunday

Clingy: damn that is hardcore

Roomie: NO ANSWER

.....1 hour later...
Clingy: Sup? :)

Roomie: NO ANSWER

... Half an hour later...
Clingy: Busy?

roomie: Yes. Very. I am in meetings until 6pm

Clingy Damn. I was gonna c if u wanted to hang out?

Roomie: Haven't we already had this conversation? I am very very busy at work right now and will be in meeting until 6pm. Sorry.

Clingy: No response.

lumberjacks have feelings too

roomie: Note to self: shave BOTH legs...

friend: haha, i had to shave my lower legs twice in the shower bc i did such a bad job the first try. i washed my hair and shaved though, i feel nearly human again!

roomie: i need to bathe. Bad. and shave right thigh beard. it appears i was going for the lumberjack right leg look.

friend: sexay!

sorry to hear you have ebola

friend: my eyes have been watering for no apparent reason for a little while and i keep reaching up to make sure there isn't blood seeping out of my eyes Ebola style. Because that's how the media has made me view swine flu-- Ebola esque.

roomie: hahaha. don't eye bleed please. i won't be your friend when that happens. i'll still talk to you on the phone but not in public.

friend: well i'm pretty sure you die shortly after the eye bleeding starts. that's how it goes in movies.

roomie: thanks god. I won't feel like a bad friend then.

friend: well at least you'll feel better.

roomie: yea. oh. i mean, except for the crushing despair at losing you...

good people.

*following a particularly kind venting session*

roomie: God I love karma.

friend: we sound like such good people in this convo. If I relay this story I will make our characters much more sympathetic.

roomie: lmao. I just scrolled down and was like, "if I didn't know me I would think I was Satan."

friend: haha. check.

the grape debate

friend: i hope the grapes i'm eating to soothe my throat don't make me sick.

roomie: lol. i hope you don't end up with swine flu AND grape stomach ache.

friend: that would suck camel balls.

roomie: for sure. and i would DEF write that on your wall.

friend: i would be forced to write about pb herpes on yours then.

roomie: hahahhahahaha.

friend: "sorry to hear about your latest herp outbreak. hope the pb was worth it."

roomie: "that was just something roomie 2 made up!!"

friend: "to cover the real reason roomie has the herp!"

roomie: if she hadn't brought all those gays into my life...

friend: once again the gays are a scapegoat.

roomie: if they didn't want to be blamed they shouldn't take our men and dress so well.

Give me a little credit here.

Roomie: My tv is stuck on tv guide channel. Cant get it to change channels but magically it can turn on and off and the volume goes up and down with the remote...

Friend: I have a magic trick that will fix that

Roomie: Which is?

Friend: Get off your ass, walk over to the tv, press the channel up or down button.

Roomie: Doesn't work. The TV has to stay on Channel 3 and the other channels are cable.

Friend: Try the cable box buttons?

Roomie: There aren't any. It is just a little cable that runs to the wall. No box in my room.

Friend: Haha your Box is Mia?

Words to live by

Friend: Did I tell you they shoved something up my nose to test for flying pig flu?

Roomie: NO! Better the nose than the arse though!

Can't you just say "good" like a normal person?

Friend: How was your day?

Roomie: My day was OK. I am very busy with a huge request for production of documents which is vague and not limited in time or scope but that I still have to get the documents for

Friend: Laaaammeee opposing counsel.

Roomie: Also saw pics of new guy on facebook with a bunch of dirty hippies. Confirms my suspicion that he is a damn dirty liar.

Friend: Laaammmeerrr new guy.

Roomie: But I have two races this weekend and a movie date with Slightly Older Someone Elses Mom who Went back to School!

Friend: Fun!!

Maybe try a new haircut?

Friend: My mom: You look like hell. My response: This is somehow supposed to make me feel better?

Roomie: Haha. I usually say "Thanks. You too." Sadly I get the "you look like hell" comment to have a comeback

Not funny yet?

Friend: (text 1) I can't believe you posted on facebook that i have swine flu.

Friend: (text 2) Fail.

Friend: (text 3) FortunatlyI can play it off to my bro, "yeah everyone goes the swine flu route when you say you have the flu" Otherwise I'd never live it down.

Friend (text 4) Yesterday after my mom told him I was sick he called to tell me death statistics about the flu and then followed up with a woman who was dead for 3 hours from drowning in a frozen river, was brought back and had no permanent brain damage. Wanted to let me know she didn't remember anything from when she was dead.

Roomie: I read that article! She fell in an ice hole while skiing in europe!