presenting ms. cruella deville

friend: today i wore a dead fox around my neck. it complements my coat nicely.

roomie: i hope its carcass starts to rot.

friend: just the pelt. really i'm ensuring it didn't die in vain. i'm recycling so it doesn't go to waste.

roomie: thumbs down.

Tic Tic Tic Tic - you aren't getting any younger

Roomie: Dear Facebook: Why are all the ads on my page for breast implants, cosmetic dentistry and Plan B? I don't like what you are implying...

DC: facebook says you need plan b...facebook knows all!.....KNOWS ALL

Roomie: i know! and breast implants and veneers...wtf

DC: i'd be more worried about the plan b. i think you are preggers. facfebook told me a little while ago...but when you really freak out is when you see Planned Parenthood ads!

Roomie: or give your baby up for adoption ads...if i have a kid though, i can get 10K from Obama to go back to school! (per facebook)

Roomie: and can hang out in cafe mom where moms go to connect (per facebook)

DC: get "We NEED SWAT and CSI police NOW!"

Roomie: why do i get the freaking kid ads?

DC: Cuz you are preggers

Roomie: its like facebook is sitting there going (tic tic tic tic - time's running out - you aren't getting any younger...)

DC: its from the new facebook/google ovary-pheremone monitoring algorithm they started employing last week. you are screwed

Roomie: maybe that is why i havent needed the iPad this month

OMG this sauce is amazing!

Roomie: Do you like avocados?

Hubby: I love them.

Roomie: You have to try this. It has a really good sauce on it!

Hubby: ... That's Italian dressing...

a lesson in language

DC: see your woo trying to eat your pants?

Roomie: i said my pants were riding up so much that it looked like my woo was trying to eat them

DC: i htought you meant you had a asian guy behind you or something...i've never heard the term woo

Roomie : or my yoni if woo is an unfamiliar term

Its not contempt! Its love!

Friend: chances are high that i totally fucked up on a trial that i did not expect to go on thursday but that apparently is now on. awesome. i'll tell you about it later tonight. i miss you! come here and be a PD

Roomie: can i come be a DA instead? Or a contracts specialist? Something that doesn't involve trials....

Friend: then we can conflict out of like all of our trials. "sorry, your honor. i have a conflict." "ms. District Attorney, wtf is your conflict?" "i love the defense atty." "like in a lesbian way?" "eew, no. she's my bfff." "what's the extra f for?" "fucking. haven't you seen pineapple express your honor?" "no. if you two pull this shit again i'm holding you both in contempt." "will you give us work release? because if the answer is no... we have another trial scheduled later this month..." "why doesn't one of you withdraw?" "because otherwise they don't pay us to call each other."

Post half marathon analysis

Roomie: Don't judge. I know I am fat and that my woo is eating my pants

Friend: you make the same running face i do.

Roomie: I believe that face is called 'desperate for air"

Friend: and i did NOT see your woo trying to eat your pants

Roomie: Look closer - its a feeding frenzy.

Friend: also, you are not fat! to the contrary, you look quite sporty in your pics

Roomie: I buy fancy running gear to trick people into thinking i'm athletic. If you look at the pasty white cellulitey thighs you will notice those aren't the thighs of an athlete - or even of a whore.

Friend: when i ran shamrock my pic crossing the finish line... i tried to "smile" but instead i looked downy

Roomie: i think your smile is beautiful.

Friend: it was rough. i think it's because my face is so flat, from certain angles i look really downy

Roomie: you do NOT have a flat face you r-tard.

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system

Ira: tornado warning in affect for north east of vacaville! soo like the woodland area look out!....i can like see woodland from here. ummmm time to hunker down, grab a drink, and pray for daylight. currently watching the river...its rising.

Roomie: Come stay with me. its safer. except for the ocean/massive flooding part. but there are no tornados!

Ira: im waiting for the volcano warning to hit.

Roomie: don't forget the earthquake warning

Ira: ummm we dont have earthquakes here silly...thats oklahoma.

Roomie: Oh right. my bad. we had "hurricane strength wind" here this morning. I had no idea the bay area was in a hurricane zone. but at least i don't have to worry about tornados.

Ira: TSUNAMI!!! FROM CHINA

Bwa ha ha. we are witty. and read the news.

Roomie: haha i guess i could just do chat instead of commenting non stop on your status

IRA: i looked at my phne and thought the same thing

Roomie: haha

IRA: but i liked that too - it shows people how witty we are

Roomie: haha true! AND how up to date we are on the news!

IRA: um national weather service ...DUH...all the cool people are doing it...i was on the roof scrapping leaves

Roomie: What? you are insane!

IRA: watching the dark clouds roll in

Roomie: The roof on our patio ripped off this am when i was trying to feed my dog. poor lil guy was so scared

IRA: haha im getting movie visuals...i was on the roof.

Roomie: lol no wonder you are freaking out about the river you tard

IRA: no no - im not freaking out. im going to drink merlot and watch

I don't think the message is getting across

Roomie: btw i'll be in sac on the 30th for an all day legal class so we should get lunch or dinner.

IRA: Dinner. Drinks.

Roomie: I'll definitely need a drink bc i'm taking a class on drug and alcohol addiction.

Subscription Granted

IRA: J J J JACCKK

Roomie: HAHAHAH

IRA: i loved that email

Roomie: ddddoontt leave me jjjjack....i'm sssssooo cold!

IRA: i want to read it agian...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
i laugh in my head everytime i remember you reading it

Roomie: lol

IRA: i want to subsricbe to her emails

Roomie: www.stupidroomie.blogspot.com

IRA: shut up

Roomie: subscription granted

IRA: oh ... my ... god ....shawty got low low low loww

IRA: haha its on right now

cows and cats

IRA: He bought 2 $30000 leather couches

Roomie: 30K???

IRA: uhh yeah

Roomie: OMG. was it like a super holy cow or something?

IRA: the cats will fuck em up - they dont appreciate anything

Roomie: those little bastards. there is a reason god invented dogs

IRA: sniff crotches?

Roomie: what??

MC laid the hammer down!

Friend: Do you think Winston Churchill would be as famous if his name were Matt? or Bob?

Roomie: Absolutely. Look how famous JFK was and he was just a John.

Friend: Matt Churchill doesn't have the same ring to it. And think about JFK. It was never John Kennedy - it was John F. Kennedy or JFK. Same with jr.

Roomie: Maybe if Winston was a Matt we would call him MC!

Men are dawgs

DC: why do you need for me to publicly dislplay my affection for you on FB? isn't my time now enough for you?

Roomie: no.

Roomie: i need something i can show off

Roomie: duh

Roomie: because a conversation with girls will go like this:

me: he is so good to me
them: aww girl that is great. but why doesn't he show it.
me: he does! every day
them: mmmm hmmmm
me: no seriously
them: seems like he is hiding something if he isn't willing to go public
me: can't we have a private friendship
them: girl, you know we love you but unless he puts a ring on that finger and commits (or in this case - writes on your wall) ... its time you face it. he is a dawg. a cheatin lyin dawg. prolly has two kids on the side.
me: whaT???
them: we didn't want to say anything but we have always hated him
me: crying. you are SO right! sniffle. he is a dawg! i can't ebleive he is cheating on me. AND he has kids. You guys are such great friends. what would I do without you?

Opposites attract

DC: god, we have a lot of fun! i'm proud of us

Roomie: me too

DC: its gonna suck when we get real jobs and can't do this anyomore

Roomie: what do you mean? we have real jobs...and why can't we do this when you are prez and i'm on the lam?

Its so hard to find good help

Roomie: hey what pic is my gchat profile pic?

DC: its of your ass

Roomie: excellent. my ass face or just my ass?

DC: crack and all

Roomie: that is great. i waas hoping it would show up - i washed it before photographing it and put a little powder on it so there wouldn't be any shine

DC: that is good - look into bleaching next time

Roomie: i waxed...wtf. that bitch ALWAYS leaves a landing strip and I keep telling her --- the landing is in THE FRONT! argh

DC: haha landing strip in the front lol.

DC: no, its the pic of you in your tutu

Roomie: OK good.

Mmmm. breakfast dessert...

Friend: breakfast. mmm. breakfast dessert. mmm. i miss you. i believe it's time for a vacay involving no pants and a passport

Roomie: I miss you too. Its always time for a no pants vacay. you can never have too many of those.

Dude seriously looks like Jesus

Boss: What up Ukiah Jesus? Remember that time you turned beer into puke? A pretty good miracle, but next time I want to see you turn pepsi into coke.

Roomie: I remember the time he turned beer into puke. Although as I recall it, he didn't even do that first! Lame.

Ukiah Jesus: It is one of my many talents. If you remember, I turned milk into puke, too!

gutter bunny

FB man on Sissy's profile: I have not, for sure if you know all the good stuff down there let me know what to look for! :) thanks

Roomie: um out of context this is a very dirty post...

Conversation in lyrics

FB Chick: "wake up in the morning feeling like p-diddy! grab my glasses, i'm out the door, i'm gonna hit this city! before i leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of jack! 'cause when i leave for the night, i ain't coming back!"

Roomie: yes, but are we human? or are we dancers? you gotta let me know....

FB Chick: dancers...not even a question

Roomie: Phew. Cuz i'm a dancing queen..feel the beat from the tambourine...I'm a teaser, I turn them on...something something..then i'm gone?

FB Chick: somebody call 9-1-1!

Random: Fire Burnin On The Dance Floor!!!!

Roomie:Pants on the floor, pants on the floor, you look like a fool with your pants on the floor!

FB Chick: hat turned sideways..lookin' like a fool! gold all in your mouth..lookin' like a fool..what ya gunna with your pants on the ground!

Roomie: Maybe that is why I am lonely...oh so lonely

FB chick: cause nothing compares TO YOU!

Roomie: That's because I am a gangsta gangsta

FB chick: they see me rollin'..they hatin'..you know they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty!

Roomie: cuz i'm a balla. shot calla. 20 inch blades on the impala!

FB Chick: make em say uuuhhhh..uuuhhh na na na naaaa!

Roomie: I want you to love me down, lets go for what we know, hold me so tight then love me some more

FB Chick: well alright..were jammin..i wanna jam it with you! were jammin & i hope you like jammin too!

Roomie: So I put my hands up they’re playing my song, and the butterflys fly away! Noddin’ my head like yeah - moving my hips like yeah

FB Chick: can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline..that's where i'm gonna wait, for you! i'll be lookin' out, night n'day!took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay..i can't go any further than this! i want you so bad it's my only wish!!

Roomie: Now that you can't have me - that's when you want meBut, baby, it's too late. Time to set the record straight

FB Chick: don't turn around..'cause you're gonna see my heart breaking! don't turn around, i don't want you seeing me cry..just walk away! it's tearing me up that you're leaving..i'm letting you go!!

Roomie: Baby bye bye bye!

FB Chick: this thing called love..i just can't handle it! this thing called love..i must get rid of it, i aint ready! crazy little thing called love ♥

Roomie: Baby Come back! You can blame it ALL on ME!

FB Chick: there aint no rest for the wicked! money don't grow on trees! i got bills to pay..i got mouths to feed! there aint nothin' in this world for free!

Roomie: Just throw it in the bag!

FB Chick: 'cause my body is too booty-licious for you babbbaaayyy!

Roomie: Shoulda put a ring on it

You are an idiot. With a drinking problem.

Roomie finds facebook message sent a year ago and forwarded it to DC:

"hi ex-cop!!! this is sephie...we met a while back at your place nad i borrowed your slippers. thanks! so i'm drunk. obv. anyway you are awesome and i wish you were here because the people here are llame and think they need to sleep to ski. muthafuckas. so we need to party. Hot Guy says he thinks you are mad at him. that is sad. he is a good guy and likes your frienship and i shouldn't get involved because i'm just another friend. anwyay i hope you make amends with Hot Guy because he really misses you. He didn't meant to do you wrong. Just talk to him, please. sorry we (I) called you at like early am. I really think you are awesome and i hope we all can get together and make love. brown chick a brown cow. awesome. hah. i'm obv. kidding. so the point of this rambling message is that i wanted to say heeeey and we need to get together so call me. or chris. prob. chris bc you have his number. see you soon! Roomie (aka sephie but not like syphylis cuz i'm totally clean) "

DC: brown chick a brown cow? lol awesome.

Roomie: I'm totally clean? we should make love? OMG this is BAD

Roomie: WHAT WAS I THINKING???

DC: Clearly you were having a good time.

Roomie: in my defense that was the night that hot guy and i both got alcohol poisoning in tahoe and i was trying to hold him down bc he was shaking so violently

Roomie: that doesn't sound like a good defense actually. i think that makes it worse...

people in glass houses sink ships

friend: my cousin is a liar. either she's lying to me or she's lying to facebook.

friend: she listed running as an interest on facebook. but she told me she hasn't run in a really long time. and when we tried to run together she was an epic fail. so i believe she is a damn dirty liar.

roomie: haha she is lying on facebook.

friend: damn liar. maybe i'll have to have the liars go to hell with her like i had with my nine year old cousin. an ironic conversation given me.

*note, friend enjoys some duplicity now and then.

**note, now and then might be a slight understatement.

roomie: hahahahaha.

friend: i asked the nine year old if she loved her mother, if she thought her mother would go to heaven one day, and then i let her know that liars go to hell and if she lies she'll never see her mother again.

friend: i'm not sure why people say i'm not a kid person.

roomie: HAHAHAHAHA.

roomie: omg, i loves it.

How DID this happen??

Roomie: My boss told me that his wife left him... and I was like...i don't know what to say...
what do you say when you are having lunch and your ex boss is like "well...i have some news...my wife and i are separated."

Roomie: um...sorry?

Roomie:i hope...the divorce isn't ugly?

Friend: "i'm sorry to hear that."

Friend:"is there anything i can do, besides blowing/fucking you, to help?"

Roomie: LOL right? because i didn't want to say "let me know if there is anything I can do.." because i didn't want to actually do anything for him!

Friend:right, i think that's where you just say, i'm sorry to hear that. and then MAYBE say if he needs to talk you can listen.

Friend: but that opens the shoulder to cry on door, and shoulders are close to breasts, and then suddenly you're fucking and you're like, "how did this happen?"