life is fair.

roomie: i'm still very upset about the cupcakes. like i don't know what to do for dinner now.

friend: do you seriously eat cupcakes for dinner?

roomie: yes. one for breakfast and one for dinner for 6 days, that makes 12. and on the 7th day i make a new batch. but now...

friend: okay, do you eat ANYTHING else?

roomie: i eat lunch.

friend: a legit lunch?

roomie: sometimes a boca burger for dinner dessert in reverse.

friend: do you eat snacks?

roomie: yea a legit lunch. lol. i get a monster salad or i go out to eat at a restaurant.

friend: how are you not 500 lbs?

roomie: and i clean that fucking plate. i don't know. magic. they are meth cupcakes?

friend: so just so we're clear... you eat 2 cupcakes a day and a legit lunch and don't work out.... i eat healthy food at regular intervals and workout 5 days a week... and YOU are the one who loses weight. That sum things up correctly?

roomie: um... yes. that sums it up. i drink a lot of soda too.

friend: when you die of complications from diabetes can i have your clothes? i hate you.

roomie: yes. lol. i know.

friend: they're probably too small for me. since i'm a fat ass.

roomie: i'm not toned at all if that helps.

friend: whatever.

roomie: i'm not pretty nekkid.

friend: you prob weigh less than i do.

roomie: because it is all fat.

friend: and you eat cupcakes.

roomie: i seriously jiggle.

friend: i fucking love cupcakes. i might eat a dozen on easter.

roomie: well give up lunch and dinner and you can eat two cupcakes a day too.

friend: like, fuck ham, make me some effing cupcakes.

looks like somebody's got a case of the mondays!

roomie: how was your monday?

friend: i hate crush.

roomie: whoa!

friend: i don't hate him. i'm still smitten, but miserable. i'm just going to chalk it up as drunk affection. of course i say that and will completely pine over him anyways. because i am a foolish, foolish girl.

roomie: yeah, i try telling myself how to feel and it doesn't fucking work for me either.

friend: stupid feelings.

roomie: i am sorry you are a foolish, foolish girl.

friend: fuck you, feelings!

roomie: YES

friend: thanks.

roomie: sometimes i wish i was a sociopath, because then i wouldn't have feelings.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

DC: If it makes you feel any better, I just read a Slate article about a woman whose son has a rubber glove fetish...and he is only 13!

Roomie: I DO feel better actually. But my friend has a fat bitch fetish he can't seem to shake so I guess I'd rather have the rubber glove fetish if I had to choose.

DC: what would you do if your son was looking at glove porn? and was asking you to buy rubber gloves?

Roomie: oh i would have aborted him before it got to that point

MethSpace

DC: man, there is a lot of white trash on myspace...its like the trailer park of social networks...i think i got a meth high just for being on it

detective school drop out

roomie: just called the cops to report my car stolen... it was still there and in fact only 5 spaces away from where i was standing.

friend: lmao.

roomie: yeah... that was the cop's reaction too.

friend: so are they the ones that found it?

roomie: yeah... he said, "you really thought if it wasn't in this exact spot it couldn't be anywhere else?"

friend: haha. i just told jr. boss man. he loves this story. seriously though. didn't you look anywhere else??

roomie: i was positive i had parked there!

friend: i'm dying.

roomie: i tried the tourist card too and he said, "there is NO excuse for this."

friend: thank you for sharing this. you've made my day.

roomie: i try. feel free to share this story-- i'm sure you already have.

friend: i've told most of the office.

roomie: i figured.