Corporate Citizenship is everyone's responsibility!

Roomie: (refilling a plastic water bottle with water)

Coworker: You know, they have done studies that show that reusing plastic bottles causes cancer.

Roomie: Yeah. I know. I am just doing my part to ensure the company stays in business.

Coworker: What?

Roomie: We work for a company that makes machines that treat cancer...

Coworker: Are you serious?

Roomie: I really think you need to reevaluate what type of corporate citizen you strive to be. (walks out)

warning: this post is about poop

Roomie: I just had explosive shits. I haven't had a solid poop in 2 days. i think i have an ulcer. unrelated: I miss you.

Friend: After my day of fast food, ice cream and candy at the airport, apricots seemd like a good solution to preventing weight gain.

Roomie: MMMM...how is that going for you?

Friend: Well, this morning I woke up in horrid pain and had to poop. And now i have bad gas.

Roomie: I am so glad we can share these moments.

uh...it isn't cheating if they are gay?

Chinese lady/cook: I came out to say hi because I got your order and thought was same persons. But you have different boy. Not same boy.

(yeah, now i am the slut of the chinese restaurant who brings multiple men out to eat)

cookie?

Friend: My life is tragically pathetic. I spent the last 15 minutes organizing all my fortune cookie fortunes. In conclusion, I eat way too much asian food.

some plans

New roomie: Wanna go to the bar after work?

Roomie: no thanks. I need to save money for when Friend comes. Plus I was planning on putting on some sweats and curling up with my bottle of vodka in bed while I watch le tour.

when the AC fails turn to plan b

Guy: It was 104 twenty mins ago

Roomie: Oh. My. God. No wonder you can't sleep! Do you have AC??

Guy: FOrtunately I do. I hope we don't have brown outs. I wouldn't make it.

Roomie: If that happens I will quit my job and spend the day rubbing you down with ice.

Guy: Oh thank god. I was afraid to ask...

I love you in a creepy kind of way too, boo

Watching le tour with commentators Paul Sherwin and Phil Ligget

Roomie: Paul, I love you. And in the creepy kind of way too.

Road ID

(Commercial for Road ID comes on...explaining why you need emergency info in case you get hit by a car...because you just might be an olympic champion)

Roomie 1: I want a Road ID that says "ROOMIE 1. Not a strong swimmer." Done.

Roomie 2: so they know not to throw your body in the river when they find it?

Why are you crazies burning your bras again?

Friend: I need to marry someone really wealthy. If Mr. Attorney hadn't been crazy and already had 2 baby mamas and kids and wanted more, he could have worked.

Roomie: Haha. Minor flaw. I need to be married too. I am really upset at the women's movement. Back in the day we'd already be hitched.

Friend: I know! Maybe we should try eharmony. Those people look really happy int he commercials. I think the giant slice of oreo cake i'm working my throught might hurt my chances at being a trophy wife.

Roomie:Psh. Whatever. Everyone likes a girl who can eat oreo cake.

um, are you watching porn?

friend's dad (sitting in another room):  well hello you little slut.

friend (thinking to self):  wtf is he watching???  wtf??!!!!  (looks into other room and sees dad looking across the room, NOT talking to television)

friend's dad:  haha.  you're so funny frankie.  (family dog who likes to sleep on his back showing his bidness to the world)  you love sleeping on your back.  is that because you like having your legs in the air!?  you are a little slut frankie, just showing it to everyone.  have some modesty!

best dressed lists

friend (bored and people watching at work):  Fashion winner of the day: woman wearing plaid clam diggers with extreme camel toe and an "I heart my vagina" tshirt.

well hello there doctor...

friend:  so my doc told me to take pictures of my hives.  tried to take one of my back and ended up shooting a pic that showed my booty in a black thong.  Erased.

and then I had some dom perignon

Shark Enthusiast: What did you do for the Fourth of July?

Roomie: I went yachting.

(silence)

Roomie: Didn't see that one coming, didja?

Shark Enthusiast: Well, I see you are adapting quite well to your new life!

remember to stretch next time

Roomie: My pinky is swollen up. Just in case you thought things couldn't get worse...i have a big fat hand!

New Roomie: Why?

Roomie: No idea. Can't find any bite marks and it doesn't hurt too much. Elephantitis?

New Roomie: Maybe it is a margarita injury?


Roomie: Yeah maybe I sprained it by insisiting on holding my pinky up while I sip my big vat of booze...

New Roomie: It could be a chip dipping accident

Roomie: I DID attack that guac pretty ferociously.