Best Job Offer Ever!

Friend: So it is not like they are saying "Applicant! genius, beauty, please please please come work for us! We will pay you whatever you want. PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE come work for us! Let us bask in your wisdom, wit and stunning good looks! PLLLLLLLEEEAAASSSEE!!!!!!!!

Roomie 1: OK, if I'm ever a hiring partner, I'm SO sending that to a candidate. Best reply EVER!

Why are you sending me this?

Friend: So I clicked on an email link to myspace and i'm not totally sure if it was a thing to get into my account and send out porn. If I send you porn will you call me and warn me?

Revisiting the jello bath

Roomie 1: The more I read your comment about jello, the more I want to take a bath in jello. Lots of squishy jello (but with a bathing suit on so I don't get jello in my lady parts which would be gross)

Friend: Seriously, jello. Also, i'm totally with you on the suit for lady part protection.

Those are definitely crazy pills

Roomie 1: Fuck...Great...I'm a crazy f-ing bitch now...and also very paranoid...I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!...also someone has been sneaking into my room and leaving half drunk cans of soda. I've found 3 now. And I gave up soda a month ago and there hasn't been any in the house since then...I've lost my f-ing mind!...I swear to god. I'm a crazy person now. Sorry, I'm totally losing my mind as we speak...Ok I'm betterish. I'm going to go grocery shopping...I'm a hot hot mess but I'm going grocery shopping now.

you two need jobs. seriously. wtf.

Friend: F that. Mature land is gay. Come to fairytale land.

Roomie 1: Yeah, I think it is time I moved to fairytale land.

Friend: Agreed.

Friend: My butt is sore from my run yesterday. Or i slept funny.
...
Roomie 1: How far did you run?

Friend: 3 miles...and i was feeling really badly about myself and i felt like i had chimpanzees holding onto my legs while I tried to run.

Roomie 1: haha chimpanzees

Friend: dude, for real.

What are your plans this weekend?

Roomie 1: Maybe I'll sleep with him this weekend.

Friend: Do it.

Roomie 1: I have to get him hooked so he will get us into that show

Friend: Then you get all the benefits of him being your boyfriend. sexy time!

Roomie 1: Also, i might ask for 20 bucks after we have sex.

memo to graduating law students

Friend: Um, was there a memo at the end of lawschool that you and I just didn't get explaining how all friendships would just cease?

Roomie 1: I think it came with the job offers we didn't receive.

what body issues?

Friend: I sort of want to try a corset to see how small I could make my waist, but i'm afraid I'd get too enthusiastic and I'd crack a rib trying to make it smaller....And then when I was excited about my rib being out of the way to make me skinnier I think the doctor would allege I had body image issues and he'd have to die and then I'd be in trouble AND have a cracked rib.

Roomie 1: I totally wanted to have my last two ribs removed so I'd be thinner. We are so the same.

Friend: I love us.

thanks for ruining my schedule fox tv

Friend: [Bones won't be on] until Nov. 5. Effin Bullshi**

Roomie 1: F that Sh**. I'm going to be homeless by then. goddammit...I'm going to have to watch it through someone's window.

things to say in the AM

Roomie 1: Wow. Drunk. Sorry.

naked hugs

Roomie 1: we are like two pieces of a very sexy puzzle

peanut butter diet

Roomie 1: See, i'm not actually losing any weight because however many calories i burn while biking, i end up eating later that day! Like, "Awesome! I just burned 2500 calories! I can eat 5 boxes of donuts! yes!"

Roomie 2 Dad: You are a vegan. What can you eat to get that many calories?

Roomie 1: Rice cakes with peanut butter, apples with peanut butter, big spoons of peanut butter...dip the knife in peanut butter and then roll it in cereal...

Roomie 2: Fried peanut butter, peanut butter on toast, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter smoothies...

i think you are an overeater

Friend: I did the three mile run. then came home and ate cake. and tonight i had some fruit tart.

Roomie 1: MmM. I ate like 1500 calories and then had to go for a bike ride because it was only 11 am. I came home intent not to eat anymore but then i had a burrito. and cereal. and soy ice cream. I'm a fat fucking cow.

Friend: together with me! yay! When I get kicked out of Mr. Attorney's for being too fat maybe we can sit around together eating!

Roomie 1: YES!

yes, it is weird

Friend: is it weird that I want to have my knee and lower thigh encapsulated in cold jello while sitting in a zero gravity chair? And I'd like to have boots on. Or maybe my feet in a paraffin dip.

sexy bones

guy on facebook: take back the cupcake comment and i'll go back to worshipping your collar bones.

well that changes everything

Guy on facebook: But I tazed you with love...

when you can't get them to love you, roofie them!

Sister: How is kbear and you going?

Roomie 1: kbear and I are good friends. He is one of my fave people here (duh).

Sister: yeah, i know you are good friends. I MEANT have you made him fall in love with you yet?

Roomie 1: OH. No. Shockingly, he hasn't fallen in love with me yet. I clearly have a huge flaw that I've overlooked all these years. I'm going to roofie him next time though so i'll let you know how that works out.

but it isn't my birthday!

Roomie 1: Hey dad's birthday is next week right? I think it is but i'm really paranoid about being the retarded kid who sends a birthday card when it isn't actually someone's birthday.

pretty? or smart?

Guy: women are either pretty or smart. but never both.

Roomie 1: With the exception of me, of course.

Guy: Uh...what?

Roomie 1: Well, I mean, I have a law degree so i'm guessing i'm smart...

guy: Yeah...

roomie 1: So that means i'm not hot???

Guy: I didn't say that!

Roomie 1: But you said I could either be pretty or smart but not both...

Guy: Yes...

Roomie 1: *sigh*. Ok. I'm smart. damnit.

you have cable? lets get married

Friend: in other news, i may have invited myself to move in with Mr. Attorney after he told me that he installed an awesome sound system to go along with his home theater. All he needs is a pool and i'm filing domestic partnership papers.

fat guy in a little suit

Friend: I love how i'm sending my friend sara a message that i need to lose 500 pounds while i sit on the couch eating cake and being mad at the tv because it isn't working. And yes, I went to the store and bought a slice of cake after looking at the scale this morning and thinking "fat guy in a little coat!"

self esteem boosters

(the Roomies dressed up like princesses and rode their bikes in an effort to raise awareness about...um...women's biking and to encourage more women to bike...)

Roomies pass a group of men on the bike trail...

Roomie 2: Haha. You just got passed by a little girl in a tutu.