Friend: (email at 730 am her time): "Hey Friend, why are you late for work? Oh you know, the ush. Tried anat home waxing kit ten min before I was sposed to leave."
Roomie: (replies at 530 am her time): Dude I was supposed to be at work in...2 minutes. And I am [not] dressed. Just got out of shower. And when I leave it is 30 min to work minimum. Awesome.
Friend: Adding to the self wax fail, didn't get all the wax off and when i just went to pee my unders were stuck to the wax remnants, so apparently each time I pee today it'll start out with ripping wax off. Awesome
Roomie: LOL. dear god we are awesome.I was emailing you this am from my phone. while sitting in my undies on the floor of my room eating cheerios. and at that point i was already late for work. hahaha
Friend: Two words: life rehab.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
you know it's bad when this is a glowing recommendation for friendship...
roomie: (sending friend article about homicide) I need new friends. I know the suspect, his friend, and the victim. yowza.
friend: friend, stop judging my friends.
roomie: touche
friend: haha. yes. you very much do need new friends. call "other friend," she's straight and non-homicidal.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
We are having a baby???
Roomie: So my Dominican lover sent me an email. He said :
" you were very nice with me,i so sorry to write you latethis is my phon number xxx-xxx-xxxx please call me"
So my instant thought was "oh god. We are having a baby. Fuck"
and then I was like "wait. He can't get pregnant...oh no!! I am pregnant!!!"
and then I said "oh no no. I am not pregnant. I would have noticed being 13 months pregnant. Uh oh. He gave me an Std! No!!!!"
but then I remembered we didn't have sex.
So my conclusion is that he is now working a phone scam and trying to get me to call so he can try to steal my money and rack up all these phone charges.
" you were very nice with me,i so sorry to write you latethis is my phon number xxx-xxx-xxxx please call me"
So my instant thought was "oh god. We are having a baby. Fuck"
and then I was like "wait. He can't get pregnant...oh no!! I am pregnant!!!"
and then I said "oh no no. I am not pregnant. I would have noticed being 13 months pregnant. Uh oh. He gave me an Std! No!!!!"
but then I remembered we didn't have sex.
So my conclusion is that he is now working a phone scam and trying to get me to call so he can try to steal my money and rack up all these phone charges.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
everyday heroes.
after discussing mutual twihard status...
friend: god, i am lame. i can't believe i reread some of the books. i am so lame.
roomie: whatever. i have the books on tape.
friend: haha. thanks god we're friends. otherwise i might die of shame. but knowing we're lame together makes it better.
roomie: lol. i am glad i am saving your life by preventing you from dying of shame.
friend: thanks. hero.
roomie: lol. that's a fact.
friend: you saved my life by being lame too.
roomie: lol. i am watching ghost rider. i AM lame.
friend: you ARE.
roomie: i was like what is this movie with nic cage as a stunt man? looks good. Wtf? demons? where did they come from?
healthy eating strikes again
roomie: recounting a junk food binge.
friend (hopped up on caffeine and twitching): mmm, donuts. i ate 3 m&ms and a granola bar.
friend: i'm kidding. that's sort of a quote from clueless, maybe. i'm not really sure what the line is, but that's the gist of it.
roomie: lol. 3 peanut m&ms.
friend: is that it? that would be better, because there's protein.
Friday, September 18, 2009
two can play at this game
well intentioned friend: so are you going to darken your hair now?
asshole roommate: kkkkwkkkkwwwkwwwkkkwkwkwkwwwkkkkwkwkw (makes static noises). weird. you cut out.
later...
asshole roommate: are you still there? did you figure that a good way to end this conversation was to just stop talking and pretend to not be there?
well intentioned friend: oh. uh. sorry, i was sending a text. you seemed to be on a roll, so it seemed like a good time to text someone else.
Friday, September 11, 2009
maternal instincts
DC: you feel bad for leaveing a kid that is not yours. how lamesauce
Roomie: I know. I know. Its like I have some weird mothering gene.
Roomie: I know. I know. Its like I have some weird mothering gene.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Hey - Just because i'm not qualified doesn't mean I can't apply
Roomie 1: Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to you in response to the position you posted on XXXXXX website. Although I do not have 10 years experience working with the United Nations, I feel that my internship in criminal law has adequately prepared me for this... (cover letter continues...)
way to point out that he doesn't love me
Roomie 1's away message: Waiting for Tiberius.
Roomie 2: Why are you still waiting for Tiberius, btw? He's clearly not coming.
Roomie 1: Hahaha. Fuck you.
Roomie 2: Why are you still waiting for Tiberius, btw? He's clearly not coming.
Roomie 1: Hahaha. Fuck you.
Here is my button. Please push it.
Roomie 2: why do you provoke me!
Roomie 1:
its fun
i have no other friends?
you react SO WELL! ALL CAPS!
I can just hear you saying the words as you type them and cussing audibly in the office
how many reasons do you want?
i was never loved as a child so i only know how to show affection by irritating people?
Roomie 2: lmao this is another good moment for stupid roomie - FYI
Roomie 1: are you that busy that you can't post it? i can do it if i must...i'm really busy sending my work to real attorneys though
Roomie 2: i have so many emails to delete, Roomie 1. God!I can't do everything!
Roomie 1:
its fun
i have no other friends?
you react SO WELL! ALL CAPS!
I can just hear you saying the words as you type them and cussing audibly in the office
how many reasons do you want?
i was never loved as a child so i only know how to show affection by irritating people?
Roomie 2: lmao this is another good moment for stupid roomie - FYI
Roomie 1: are you that busy that you can't post it? i can do it if i must...i'm really busy sending my work to real attorneys though
Roomie 2: i have so many emails to delete, Roomie 1. God!I can't do everything!
shopping for RoadIDs
Roomie 2: I need someone to feel confident as they scoop my brains off the concrete
Roomie 1: Those aren't brains...its a smooshed jelly donut.
Roomie 1: Those aren't brains...its a smooshed jelly donut.
You have a soul...a funny one....
Roomie 2:it's true you will be our entertainment in hell
Roomie 1: i have a throne waiting for me and a crown and everything. i won't even get a hearing. i die and the slide to my throne in hell opens up immediately
Roomie 2: I don't think they give you a slide to hell - that would be too smooth a trip. I feel like a trap door opens beneath you and you just plummet to your doom
Roomie 1: puhlease i am their queen they will at least cusion my fall with the bodies of all the poor souls i've screwed over
Roomie 2: no, those poor bastards are going to heaven but I will cushion your fall - because we are friends
Roomie 1: you are a good person. i hope you die before me.
Roomie 2: hahaha thanks
Roomie 1: (so you can cushion my fall of course)
Roomie 1: i have a throne waiting for me and a crown and everything. i won't even get a hearing. i die and the slide to my throne in hell opens up immediately
Roomie 2: I don't think they give you a slide to hell - that would be too smooth a trip. I feel like a trap door opens beneath you and you just plummet to your doom
Roomie 1: puhlease i am their queen they will at least cusion my fall with the bodies of all the poor souls i've screwed over
Roomie 2: no, those poor bastards are going to heaven but I will cushion your fall - because we are friends
Roomie 1: you are a good person. i hope you die before me.
Roomie 2: hahaha thanks
Roomie 1: (so you can cushion my fall of course)
what was that?
Roomie: i am going to take. Cab to your house
Hot Guy: Are you that drunk? I can come pick you up lol.
Roomie: i am that drink lol. u am at badlands if youq any to come. or u will take cab
Hot Guy: Are you that drunk? I can come pick you up lol.
Roomie: i am that drink lol. u am at badlands if youq any to come. or u will take cab
Thursday, September 3, 2009
new low?
Roomie 1: Things I googled today: How to smuggle alcohol into the zoo. How to smuggle alcohol into the fair. How to smuggle alcohol into the bar.
Friend: Classy. Actually, Klassy.
Friend: Classy. Actually, Klassy.
Facebook Police
New Girl: i havent checked my mail (like real mail from a post office) in over a month, im currently staring at my mailbox with anxiety
Random Chick: Bills
Roomie 2: Subpoenas
Random Chick 2: Stalkers
Roomie 1: Severed finger and a ransom note.
New Girl: LOL - it was 1 PG&E bill, 1 trash/water/sewer bill for $86 (WTF), an Ikea catalog, and 348979384578934787348953489398 coupons/flyers for pizza/fast food/randoms
Roomie 1: Hmm. I guess my ransom note hasn't arrived then. Maybe tomorrow.
New Girl: LOL, i'll probably get it when i check my mail again in october
Roomie 1: WHAT?! October? Wtf am I supposed to do with this kid until then??? This ransom thing is not as easy as it sounds on tv
Roomie 2: Not to mention that the finger is going to smell pretty bad by then. And the smell will permeate all the mail in the box until the Postman reports you to the police, which means you probably should do anything illegal until you check your mail next, just in case the police show up and identify a particular "smell", using it to declare probable cause and search your place. Police are trouble...
New Girl: LOL!! play hungry hungry hippos/monopoly/hide & seek or something until i check it again?! hahaha .. they like cartoons too .. OOH CONNECT FOUR!!!!!!!!good thing im friends with lawyers for a heads up on this kind of crap, hahahahaha
Roomie 2: This reminds me that I read the other day about the IRS surfing people's FB pages to find tax evaders, and it's working. This leads me to think law enforcement folks might do the same thing looking for other types of criminals...but then again, the State no longer has enough money to prosecute or hold the criminals it has been finding the old fashioned way, so there probably isn't much to fear
Roomie 2: not that we are engaging in illegal FB activity....
Roomie 1: Lol. Disclaimer to the police reading New Girl's facebook page....I did not send a finger to her and I am not holding any children hostage...seriously...
Roomie 1:hey...new girl...i have this new "babysitting" gig. wanna come over and help out? there is some leftover candy in it for you...
Roomie 2: But if you want to help "babysit", it's gonna cost you...
New Girl: LOL omg when i get a knock on my door from the fucking po-lice i will kill you two(OH SHIT I JUST MADE A DEATH THREAT! LOL)
Roomie 1: If you get arrested, I will totally defend you. Unless I am your codefendant in which case I will totally throw you under the bus! I also can't defend you if I am dead but if you get arrested over this I would absolutely forgive you for shanking me in court with a homemade shiv you managed to conceal somewhere on your body.
New Girl: well, good to know we have a couple game plans! LOL
Roomie 2: Besides, as long as your death threat isn't made against the President, it;s highly unlikely anyone will care.Oh, and hide the razor blade under your tongue. No one will look there.
New Girl: have you two had some sort of experience with prison life before or something?! LOL
11 hours ago
Roomie 1: Dude. They check for razor blades under the tongue. Make a shiv. Just hide it pointy side down if you catch my drift...
Random Chick: Bills
Roomie 2: Subpoenas
Random Chick 2: Stalkers
Roomie 1: Severed finger and a ransom note.
New Girl: LOL - it was 1 PG&E bill, 1 trash/water/sewer bill for $86 (WTF), an Ikea catalog, and 348979384578934787348953489398 coupons/flyers for pizza/fast food/randoms
Roomie 1: Hmm. I guess my ransom note hasn't arrived then. Maybe tomorrow.
New Girl: LOL, i'll probably get it when i check my mail again in october
Roomie 1: WHAT?! October? Wtf am I supposed to do with this kid until then??? This ransom thing is not as easy as it sounds on tv
Roomie 2: Not to mention that the finger is going to smell pretty bad by then. And the smell will permeate all the mail in the box until the Postman reports you to the police, which means you probably should do anything illegal until you check your mail next, just in case the police show up and identify a particular "smell", using it to declare probable cause and search your place. Police are trouble...
New Girl: LOL!! play hungry hungry hippos/monopoly/hide & seek or something until i check it again?! hahaha .. they like cartoons too .. OOH CONNECT FOUR!!!!!!!!good thing im friends with lawyers for a heads up on this kind of crap, hahahahaha
Roomie 2: This reminds me that I read the other day about the IRS surfing people's FB pages to find tax evaders, and it's working. This leads me to think law enforcement folks might do the same thing looking for other types of criminals...but then again, the State no longer has enough money to prosecute or hold the criminals it has been finding the old fashioned way, so there probably isn't much to fear
Roomie 2: not that we are engaging in illegal FB activity....
Roomie 1: Lol. Disclaimer to the police reading New Girl's facebook page....I did not send a finger to her and I am not holding any children hostage...seriously...
Roomie 1:hey...new girl...i have this new "babysitting" gig. wanna come over and help out? there is some leftover candy in it for you...
Roomie 2: But if you want to help "babysit", it's gonna cost you...
New Girl: LOL omg when i get a knock on my door from the fucking po-lice i will kill you two(OH SHIT I JUST MADE A DEATH THREAT! LOL)
Roomie 1: If you get arrested, I will totally defend you. Unless I am your codefendant in which case I will totally throw you under the bus! I also can't defend you if I am dead but if you get arrested over this I would absolutely forgive you for shanking me in court with a homemade shiv you managed to conceal somewhere on your body.
New Girl: well, good to know we have a couple game plans! LOL
Roomie 2: Besides, as long as your death threat isn't made against the President, it;s highly unlikely anyone will care.Oh, and hide the razor blade under your tongue. No one will look there.
New Girl: have you two had some sort of experience with prison life before or something?! LOL
11 hours ago
Roomie 1: Dude. They check for razor blades under the tongue. Make a shiv. Just hide it pointy side down if you catch my drift...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Why did I stop talking to him?
Dear Roomie:
No worries, based on the situation I was skeptical that it would happen. Either way it's good to hear from you, and I look forward to when we can grab a drink, but who knows I might be on the wagon by then.
What part of Northern California are are talking about San Fran, Sac-Town, Modesto, because it's a big state and I'd hate to find myself somewhere in Cali where I can't see at least one friend. And I'll be honest, I kind of hate that state, but it's not in the Top 5 of states that I'd most like to see secede.
Top 5: Hawaii (far away and belongs to the natives), Alaska (They want out and weird fucking people), Texas (people suck, arrogant, ignorant etc, except might seek to find a way to keep Austin), Florida (this might change if it turns out health care does in fact include death panels), Nevada (it's a fucking desert and I hope Las Vegas is wiped from the face of the Earth in some sort of biblical reckoning).
Good luck on your job applications in Colorado, this state rocks. People are drunks, it's a good bet that at least one person on the bus has a gun, and another is on or holding drugs. There's a ton of bike paths and all the fucking weirdos know that their rightful place is in Boulder, and if they are really fucking weird then they go to Nederland.
Anyways, I expect to hear from you soon, when you make it back.
-High School Pal
No worries, based on the situation I was skeptical that it would happen. Either way it's good to hear from you, and I look forward to when we can grab a drink, but who knows I might be on the wagon by then.
What part of Northern California are are talking about San Fran, Sac-Town, Modesto, because it's a big state and I'd hate to find myself somewhere in Cali where I can't see at least one friend. And I'll be honest, I kind of hate that state, but it's not in the Top 5 of states that I'd most like to see secede.
Top 5: Hawaii (far away and belongs to the natives), Alaska (They want out and weird fucking people), Texas (people suck, arrogant, ignorant etc, except might seek to find a way to keep Austin), Florida (this might change if it turns out health care does in fact include death panels), Nevada (it's a fucking desert and I hope Las Vegas is wiped from the face of the Earth in some sort of biblical reckoning).
Good luck on your job applications in Colorado, this state rocks. People are drunks, it's a good bet that at least one person on the bus has a gun, and another is on or holding drugs. There's a ton of bike paths and all the fucking weirdos know that their rightful place is in Boulder, and if they are really fucking weird then they go to Nederland.
Anyways, I expect to hear from you soon, when you make it back.
-High School Pal
what? it isn't sacramento!
Army Man: I'm getting a two week break starting 26 Dec...what to do what to do? Maybe I will come home to LA and Vegas for New Year then go somewhere else for vacation...any suggesions...Roomie do not say sacramento...
Woman 1: Cabo?
Woman 2: Palm Beach!
Roomie: San Francisco?
Woman 1: Cabo?
Woman 2: Palm Beach!
Roomie: San Francisco?
Plastic Vodka and other sad dates
New Girl FB Status: last minute plans: does anyone want to go to the Three Olives "O-FACE" vodka release party w/me tonight? Free VODKA 8PM-11PM
Roomie comment: THIS IS WHY I AM GOING TO MARRY YOU!! dear god. i love it. sadly, i am nowhere near you and cannot go :(
New Girl comment: LOL!!AWWW roomie i wish you were closer too, that would have been fun to go with you!! i can't believe i can't find anyone else to go with now!!
Boy 1: Where is it?
New Girl: VIP Lounge, dress casual
New girl: no takers still!? LOL :(
Roomie: Do you know how much I love vodka? I seriously considered coming figuring that if I stopped drinking at 11 I would be sober enough to drive back at 4 am. Also, had to break up with ketel one this wknd and start dating skyy. Damn economy!
New Girl: LOL!! i've been closet dating GORDON's because its on sale for 11.99 for a handle .. UGGH IT'S IN PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!
Roomie: Omg. I hear you. We should have a double date sometime soon lol. If we call it dinner we can splurge on the glass bottles...
New Girl: you are amaazing!! hahaha, i would LOVE that!!
Boy 2: Plastic bottled vodka? I do feel sorry for both of you :(.
Roomie comment: THIS IS WHY I AM GOING TO MARRY YOU!! dear god. i love it. sadly, i am nowhere near you and cannot go :(
New Girl comment: LOL!!AWWW roomie i wish you were closer too, that would have been fun to go with you!! i can't believe i can't find anyone else to go with now!!
Boy 1: Where is it?
New Girl: VIP Lounge, dress casual
New girl: no takers still!? LOL :(
Roomie: Do you know how much I love vodka? I seriously considered coming figuring that if I stopped drinking at 11 I would be sober enough to drive back at 4 am. Also, had to break up with ketel one this wknd and start dating skyy. Damn economy!
New Girl: LOL!! i've been closet dating GORDON's because its on sale for 11.99 for a handle .. UGGH IT'S IN PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!
Roomie: Omg. I hear you. We should have a double date sometime soon lol. If we call it dinner we can splurge on the glass bottles...
New Girl: you are amaazing!! hahaha, i would LOVE that!!
Boy 2: Plastic bottled vodka? I do feel sorry for both of you :(.
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