Facebook Police

New Girl: i havent checked my mail (like real mail from a post office) in over a month, im currently staring at my mailbox with anxiety

Random Chick: Bills

Roomie 2: Subpoenas

Random Chick 2: Stalkers

Roomie 1: Severed finger and a ransom note.

New Girl: LOL - it was 1 PG&E bill, 1 trash/water/sewer bill for $86 (WTF), an Ikea catalog, and 348979384578934787348953489398 coupons/flyers for pizza/fast food/randoms

Roomie 1: Hmm. I guess my ransom note hasn't arrived then. Maybe tomorrow.

New Girl: LOL, i'll probably get it when i check my mail again in october

Roomie 1: WHAT?! October? Wtf am I supposed to do with this kid until then??? This ransom thing is not as easy as it sounds on tv

Roomie 2: Not to mention that the finger is going to smell pretty bad by then. And the smell will permeate all the mail in the box until the Postman reports you to the police, which means you probably should do anything illegal until you check your mail next, just in case the police show up and identify a particular "smell", using it to declare probable cause and search your place. Police are trouble...

New Girl: LOL!! play hungry hungry hippos/monopoly/hide & seek or something until i check it again?! hahaha .. they like cartoons too .. OOH CONNECT FOUR!!!!!!!!good thing im friends with lawyers for a heads up on this kind of crap, hahahahaha

Roomie 2: This reminds me that I read the other day about the IRS surfing people's FB pages to find tax evaders, and it's working. This leads me to think law enforcement folks might do the same thing looking for other types of criminals...but then again, the State no longer has enough money to prosecute or hold the criminals it has been finding the old fashioned way, so there probably isn't much to fear

Roomie 2: not that we are engaging in illegal FB activity....

Roomie 1: Lol. Disclaimer to the police reading New Girl's facebook page....I did not send a finger to her and I am not holding any children hostage...seriously...

Roomie 1:hey...new girl...i have this new "babysitting" gig. wanna come over and help out? there is some leftover candy in it for you...

Roomie 2: But if you want to help "babysit", it's gonna cost you...

New Girl: LOL omg when i get a knock on my door from the fucking po-lice i will kill you two(OH SHIT I JUST MADE A DEATH THREAT! LOL)

Roomie 1: If you get arrested, I will totally defend you. Unless I am your codefendant in which case I will totally throw you under the bus! I also can't defend you if I am dead but if you get arrested over this I would absolutely forgive you for shanking me in court with a homemade shiv you managed to conceal somewhere on your body.

New Girl: well, good to know we have a couple game plans! LOL

Roomie 2: Besides, as long as your death threat isn't made against the President, it;s highly unlikely anyone will care.Oh, and hide the razor blade under your tongue. No one will look there.

New Girl: have you two had some sort of experience with prison life before or something?! LOL
11 hours ago

Roomie 1: Dude. They check for razor blades under the tongue. Make a shiv. Just hide it pointy side down if you catch my drift...