Lay off the bean dip

Roomie: My farts are so bad at work that I had to lock the door so no one would "pop in" to say hi.

Friend: Haha. When you open the door to leave a giant cloud of assy gas will tumble out of your office. haha.

Roomie: Damnit! I can't leave now until everyone else is gone.

Friend: Thank god you brought me in to consult on this issue.

Roomie: You are my ass guru.

I'd park there if i could...

Roomie: Also...this guy with a purple heart license plate is parking in the first spot that isn't handi. Like he is too good for handi. Thus making ME park TWO spaces over. Ass.

Friend: My god. He is making you walk. That bastard!

Roomie: I know! Just because he appreciates his legs doesn't mean i have to appreciate mine.

Friend: You suffer

Roomie: Thank you for acknowledging the deep sacrifices i make for mankind on a daily basis.

wanna hit up AA after the bar?

Roomie: How was dinner? PS I am calling off sober weekend.

H: It was good. And me too.

Roomie: I mean, you can be sober but I already know I can't do it.

H: Fuck us.

You sober dialed me....

Friend: So i've completely forgotten how our conversation ended...did I just up and hang up on you?

Roomie: Yes. Yes you did.

Friend: Seriously? I literally have like no recollection of talking except that I couldn't really hear you when you picked up, we exchanged pleasantries and then....nothing. what happened?

Roomie:You said "is it thursday?" and I said "yes" and you said "i'll call you back"

Friend: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH. Haha. Okay.

office ninja

Roomie: Step 1 - take pencil. Step 2 - stab through larynx. Step 3 - Laugh. If you get it just right they won't be able to talk which is an added bonus.

Woah. Can you go on welfare or something?

Colleague: "The economy is effecting everyone. Times are really tight for me too. I mean, i've had to give up shopping at Whole Foods!!!!"

And which group are you in?

Friend: So, he keeps telling me about the black leather chaps he'll be wearing on his bike trip this weekend and thinking i'm not serious when i say "what are the other village people wearing?". So i had to lay down the law. I said "look, black chaps are hot to three groups of society. 1) Biker people, 2) the village people, 3)and s&M fetish people.

Don't cut me off!

Friend: Okay, I was just listening to a voicemail, spaced out that it was a voicemail because it sounded so real, so i started trying to talk back and then thought that my friend was being rude for ignoring my comments.

i need to have a camera crew document my nights out

Voicemail: Roooooommmmiiiiieeeee. Its DAAAAAVVVEEEEE. The man of your dreams! I LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE you.

Roomie: Who the F is Dave? I didn't meet any Dave's last night!

Sister: Uh, yeah you did. The last 3 hours of the night he was buying us drinks.

Roomie: Oh. well i didn't give him my number...

Sister: I think it is clear that you did.

Good morning boo!

Crazy: I love you. I hate my life.

Don't let this job go to your head or anything.

Friend: Also my new title is Special Prosecutor, so if you could start calling me by my official title that would be great.

R-Tard

Hot Guy: I am an R-Tard. I'll admit it!

Roomie: Lucky for you I have an R-tard fetish!

Hot guy: Hot

Roomie: Mmm. hmmm. The drooling is the kicker I think.

Hot Guy: I get that. I really do.

i am positive you will give me swine flu through the phone

Acquaintance: I feel like we never get to talk anymore

Roomie: That is because you are contagious and I hate you.

Stupid doctor

(doctor appointment for hot guy was running late)

Roomie: Blow that shit up babe. Throw some chairs and pretend youhave rabies so they can't get mad. Or start moaning like Helen Keller

Hot guy: and thrust my hips?

Theme parties for todays youth

Roomie: Either run hot and oily or don't shower after the gym.

Hot Guy: Hot n Oily. Slip n Slide.

Roomie: That sounds like an awesome theme party. Almost as good as a politicians and hookers drug party.