i don't like small packages.

Friend:  Okay - you get the fortune "good things come in small packages, one is coming to you."  What do you think?

Roomie: Haha. I think dirty thoughts about packages and I am sad my date apparently has a tiny one.

Friend:  Haha, Okay.  My immediate reaction?  "I don't want a baby! that's why i take birth control! this is a horrible fortune!!"

the holy water burns!

Roomie: Is blessing someone a harmful or offensive touching?  I think he'd get you off...

Friend:  That's what she said.

Roomie: lol i love our gutter humor

This is an intervention

Friend:  Did you wear a sports bra??

Roomie: LOL, yes

Friend:  That's not Okay.

Roomie:  I didn't have my sticky bra!

Friend:  This is an intervention.  No sportsbras allowed on going out nights.

Roomie: It was a gay bar...Fine...I'll go buy something else

school is a waste of time

Friend:  I just open up a job opportunity for "laborer."  Damn, I'm not qualified because I don't know a trade...

Roomie:  I hear that - Barrista - 2 years experience required...wtf...I've been making my own coffee for like 10 years!

Friend:  Oh I'll just lay down for 30 minutes giving myself over 2 hours to work out, shower and get to the movie....oh it's so warm in bed, the dogs are snuggly, i'll just lay here another 5 minutes....10 minutes won't kill me....

Roomie: LOL

Friend:  Maybe I shouldn't work out....no, then i'll feel guilty...Okay I just won't condition my hair.  I'll just wash my hair, wash my face, wash my body.  That'll only take a few minutes right?  That's why I'm always late - the conditioning, exfoliation, shaving stuff...Yeah...I totally have time.

Roomie: HAHA

Friend: Cut to dinner with a pal when I roll up 10 minutes late

Roomie:  Lol.  It is sort of your calling card...

Friend:  True.  Oh, I have time to quick read celeb gossip. Oh watching the Harry Potter trailer won't kill anyone....

Roomie:  Lol.  This is why I adore you.  Because you MAKE time for important things.

I get that a lot

Friend: You're like my dalai lama tonight.  But without the baldness or ceremonial toga.

Dear government

Friend: "Dear government: stop saying we're going to be okay.  It's not going to be okay unless you hire my friend.  And me.  We both need jobs. You keep saying you're making jobs, but you're not giving them to us.  We're starting to feel like you're liars."

Roomie 1:  Government, I don't mean to call you a liar, but...how do i put this delicately....you are a fucking lying sack of shit and I don't trust you.

Friend: Dear government, hey, it's been an hour since my last letter....not sure if you didn't get it.  I'm starting to feel like you don't care about me...

Roomie 1:  Government?  are you screening your calls?  You haven't picked up the last 10 times!!!  Government? I just want to talk to you....

Friend: Government, you keep saying that there is hope, but i'm having a hard time with that...see, you keep giving money to the banks.  And the thing is, the banks have fucked up.  I haven't done anything wrong.  I didn't waste my money.  I spend as responsibly as i can with my dwindling bank account.  I went to school.  I got good grades....I graduated.  And I've been applying for jobs, but no one can hire me because the economy is for shit.  So what I need is for you to either A) pay off my loans, no strings attached, B) give me a job that will pay my bills, C) stop saying the world is not ending.  It is.

Friend:  Government?  Are you there? Seriously, did you move to switerland?  DId you disappear to the caribbean? did you go on a trip with the banks you've just bailed out?  I know that's what they are doing with the money....look government, I don't mean to sound ungrateful but you're an asshole.  Government, I'm going to tell everyone you're bad in bed.  That's right.  I went there. You FAIL to satisfy.  I FAKED it EVERYTIME i said i was satisfied.