hope found!

Roomie:  I'm having a skinny day.  So even though I feel like I will end up a toothless homeless unemployed bum, at least I will be a SKINNY, homeless, unemployed bum!

hours later.

Friend:  Silver lining!

This was worse than when the dog ate my ice cream cone

Roomie: I tripped while trying to drink a soda. It spilled all over my suit and all over the stack of documents I was carrying. And Why did I cry? Not because I fell, not because my suit AND shirt were covered in soda, not because the documents I am working on are now stained and crinkly from the soda. No. I cried because I don't have 75 cents to replace my soda.

even the cars mock me

Roomie: I just saw a bumper sticker that says "Got Hope?" and i thought to myself, "hmmm...anxiety, despair, addiction, depression...nope...no hope here!"

I think i'm qualified..

"While performing the duties of this job, the employee is required to sit. The employee is occasionally required to stand; walk; use hands to finger, handle, or feel; reach with hands and arms; talk and hear; lift weight up to 20 pounds. Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perception and ability to adjust focus"

How to sell your self in today's job market

Friend: At least you've gotten hits on your resume. Mine has been up forever. Of course I hadn't listed my bar admission...

Roomie: lol right...I think it will help now that you have that listed. Also, mine is titled "cheap desperate aassociate attorney" which tends to draw in some curious people.

Friend: Ah, mine's under my name. I guess I should change it to "associate attorney who will work for hot man with money."

Roomie: Yes! That will get more hits. Or "Attractive female associate attorney eager to prove herself"

Friend: Or, I could be accurate. "Average looking female in decent shape but could stand to lose 10 or more pounds seeks grown up lawyer job no more retail please."

Roomie: No No No. 1) you are not average. 2) this is like online dating. You are expected to lie. The HR person reading it is a lonely middle aged balding man living in his parents basement. Give him a reason to pick up the phone.

every day is another adventure

Friend: took an experimental route home. No clue where I am.

Roomie: Haha. You are slowly turning into me! I am always lost!

Friend: False, my dear. I've been misplacing myself since long before I knew you.

Roomie: Oh good! I wouldn't want to be a bad influence. Maybe YOU caused my lack of direction!

Friend: Haha or we were naturally drawn to our adventurous spirits.

Roomie: Yes! Adventurous! Anyone can get home with GPS. Not everyone gets to explore random cities on the way home.

Friend: Exactly! I have explored at least 4 cities so far today.

sexy time? no? I die now?

Friend: Also, whenever I am in an elevator alone with a man, I think about how I will defend myself from an attack...

Roomie: Haha. I think "I wonder if we will have sex"

Friend: That is why you die first in a horror movie.

Roomie: Yeah, while you are loosening your shoe so you can use the heel to penetrate his cranium, i'm thinking about getting it on...

Friend: THAT IS TOTALLY THE METHOD I WOULD USE! It's my defense of choice.

match.com

roomie:  i am farting loudly today... and not in my office because i am in meetings all day.  so i am farting loudly in public.

friend:  haha.  you're so classy.  it's hard to believe you're single.  haha.  i love you.

roomie:  i tried to control it, but i have an ulcer.

declaring.

roomie:  if you died i would be really upset.  it would take me a LONG time to get over it.

friend:  yea, i would need time to get over you too.

*roomie gives friend the stink eye.*

that sounds valid...

friend:  "hey boss, sorry i'm late... as usual.  yes, i know i should be on time... but i was googling tomb raider costumes because i'm trying to see how much weight i have to lose by halloween.  very important you see."

roomie:  hahahahaha

friend:  and on that note... i have to shower.  but i need combat boots and leg holsters.  and implants.

Like sand through the hour glass...

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: Complicated. "gays of our lives."

Roomie: Dude. I am trying hard to get my character killed off that soap but I keep getting written back in!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: And I thought you falling down the elevator shaft would have done it!

Roomie: Seriously. That was just a really tense few episodes while all the gays gathered at badlands to wonder if I would survive!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: And then to find out you had a twin who opted to do a full brain transplant to save you and sacrifice herself...because she was a criminal on death row for murdering her husband's lover and stealing a baby...

Roomie: Holy Crap! My life is INSANE!!