Purse Physics

Holly:
i think it's many a woman's plight
if there is space (in a purse) we will fill it
but there is also so much shit we need

Lilly: like a 2 pound burrito. "just in case"

Holly: exactly - or sandals bc your heals always give you blisters

Lilly: and of course band aids to use on the blisters

Holly: and moleskin as well.  neosporin to prevent infection.

Lilly: tylenol (for the pain)

Holly: a 32oz bottle of water

Lilly: oh then some hand santizer since you are fiddling with your feet.  and lotion since the sanitizer dries out your hands.

Holly: bottle of nailpolish to touch up your manicure.

Lilly: and pedicure since now you are showing your toes in your flip flops! (add a top coat so there are no chips)

Lilly: and after all that work, i get a bit sweaty so i need deoderant

Holly: and mascara in case you need to reapply before dinner

Lilly: If i'm redoing the mascara i probably should just touch up everything. since i'm in there.

Holly: and always moisurizer with spf if you go out in the sun
and something to read
and your calendar

Lilly: maybe some extra jewlery in case you need to make an outfit fancier?

Holly: and a jacket or sweater bc sf is alawys cold

Lilly: some underwear and a toothbrush. "just in case."

Holly: and then all of a sudden you have a 50lb purse...huh how did that happen?

Lilly: "what the? my wallet doesn't even fit in this purse! i need a bigger purse!"

F*&! nature

Lilly: there is a fucking hawk or something screaming outside my window.  or a sad baby bird...or bird sounding cat...whatever. it is really annoying. i wish my windows opened and that i had a gun

Holly: i have annoying birds at home like that.  and if i wake up it keeps sqwawking and i can't go back to sleep.

Lilly: fucking nature

Holly: yeah couldn't god have given them a better fucking voice?? shit man

date night

Jacey:  examples of potential texts you might receive:  1.  he was wearing a flannel shirt and i walked out immediately, 2.  he had a perma smile that made him look like plastic and i excused myself to the restroom and climbed out the window, 3.  he was charming and we have scheduled a second dated, 4.  he was nice, i'll give him a second shot, 5.  meh, not interested.
6.  i've got his twin's number so we can be sister wives.

Lilly: i like 6. also 2. but i'm hoping for 3. unless charming = sociopath in which case i'm worried on your behalf.

Jacey: Charming does NOT equal serial killer.

Lilly:  good.  but that is always what you hear about serial killers. that they were charming. so be careful.

Jacey: true, good call.

the most terrifying friendship ever

Hubby: sorry things are rough with your boyfriend. Just know that you are right for me. So turn that frown upside down.

Lilly: I love you! someday when polygamy is allowed, I expect to be your number 2

Hubby: I"m listening to "true colors" and it is bringin a tear to my eye as I think about you. Lame, I realize.

Lilly: You will always be my baby.

Lilly: Seriously. if you try to leave me i will find you.

Hubby:  Aww! and this is why I love you! Fucking adorable. I love seeing your little face pressed against my window.

Tuesday Frowns

SJ: I caught Al Pacino in a doozy of a lie.  \He tried to cover it up but I took his sorry tales and tore them to shred.  He doesn't like it when i do that. Huh. Too fucking bad dude.  Damn, if it isn't always fucking something.

Lilly: Fuckin a. I'm sorry.

SJ: THis is crap. I can't even get angry. I'm almost insulted at how easy he makes it to find things out. ..

Lilly:Good luck. I'll pack my ninja suit next week if you need me to.

SJ: Sweet! Success will be ours and we will celebrate with margaritas and drag queens and Karaoke at 2 in the morning

Lilly: So this will go down on Tuesday then?

SJ: What makes you say Tuesday?

Lilly: It just sounded like what I used to do on Tuesday nights in Sacramento

SJ: I hate tuesdays more than mondays!

Lilly: you wouldn't if tuesday ended with a drag queen singing karaoke while you drank margaritas

Sj: I could turn that tuesday frown upside down!

Lilly's Moday Morning Rant to SJ:

fml i'm so tired
i thought today was sunday
then realized it was monday but then thought "wait! it is labor day! i can stay in bed!"
fail
i'm also bloated so i wore fat pants. and they fit perfectly. they are just pants now. which makes me sad. so i thought 'i'll go for a run before my deposition starts at 1230!" but i forgot my shoes. fail.
fail fail fail.
i'm one big fat failure
emphasis on the big and fat
....
....
i hope you aren't in a webex. if so, hello everyone! i hope you feel better about yourselves now! you are WELCOME!

legitimate life choices

1:  why are you in a laundry basket?
2:  seemed like a good call.
1:  I'm judging you.
2:  I'm judging YOU.
1:  that's fine, I'm not wearing many clothes.
20-30 minutes later
1:  you better not still be in that basket
2:  (still in basket)