presenting ms. cruella deville

friend: today i wore a dead fox around my neck. it complements my coat nicely.

roomie: i hope its carcass starts to rot.

friend: just the pelt. really i'm ensuring it didn't die in vain. i'm recycling so it doesn't go to waste.

roomie: thumbs down.

Tic Tic Tic Tic - you aren't getting any younger

Roomie: Dear Facebook: Why are all the ads on my page for breast implants, cosmetic dentistry and Plan B? I don't like what you are implying...

DC: facebook says you need plan b...facebook knows all!.....KNOWS ALL

Roomie: i know! and breast implants and veneers...wtf

DC: i'd be more worried about the plan b. i think you are preggers. facfebook told me a little while ago...but when you really freak out is when you see Planned Parenthood ads!

Roomie: or give your baby up for adoption ads...if i have a kid though, i can get 10K from Obama to go back to school! (per facebook)

Roomie: and can hang out in cafe mom where moms go to connect (per facebook)

DC: get "We NEED SWAT and CSI police NOW!"

Roomie: why do i get the freaking kid ads?

DC: Cuz you are preggers

Roomie: its like facebook is sitting there going (tic tic tic tic - time's running out - you aren't getting any younger...)

DC: its from the new facebook/google ovary-pheremone monitoring algorithm they started employing last week. you are screwed

Roomie: maybe that is why i havent needed the iPad this month

OMG this sauce is amazing!

Roomie: Do you like avocados?

Hubby: I love them.

Roomie: You have to try this. It has a really good sauce on it!

Hubby: ... That's Italian dressing...

a lesson in language

DC: see your woo trying to eat your pants?

Roomie: i said my pants were riding up so much that it looked like my woo was trying to eat them

DC: i htought you meant you had a asian guy behind you or something...i've never heard the term woo

Roomie : or my yoni if woo is an unfamiliar term

Its not contempt! Its love!

Friend: chances are high that i totally fucked up on a trial that i did not expect to go on thursday but that apparently is now on. awesome. i'll tell you about it later tonight. i miss you! come here and be a PD

Roomie: can i come be a DA instead? Or a contracts specialist? Something that doesn't involve trials....

Friend: then we can conflict out of like all of our trials. "sorry, your honor. i have a conflict." "ms. District Attorney, wtf is your conflict?" "i love the defense atty." "like in a lesbian way?" "eew, no. she's my bfff." "what's the extra f for?" "fucking. haven't you seen pineapple express your honor?" "no. if you two pull this shit again i'm holding you both in contempt." "will you give us work release? because if the answer is no... we have another trial scheduled later this month..." "why doesn't one of you withdraw?" "because otherwise they don't pay us to call each other."

Post half marathon analysis

Roomie: Don't judge. I know I am fat and that my woo is eating my pants

Friend: you make the same running face i do.

Roomie: I believe that face is called 'desperate for air"

Friend: and i did NOT see your woo trying to eat your pants

Roomie: Look closer - its a feeding frenzy.

Friend: also, you are not fat! to the contrary, you look quite sporty in your pics

Roomie: I buy fancy running gear to trick people into thinking i'm athletic. If you look at the pasty white cellulitey thighs you will notice those aren't the thighs of an athlete - or even of a whore.

Friend: when i ran shamrock my pic crossing the finish line... i tried to "smile" but instead i looked downy

Roomie: i think your smile is beautiful.

Friend: it was rough. i think it's because my face is so flat, from certain angles i look really downy

Roomie: you do NOT have a flat face you r-tard.

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system

Ira: tornado warning in affect for north east of vacaville! soo like the woodland area look out!....i can like see woodland from here. ummmm time to hunker down, grab a drink, and pray for daylight. currently watching the river...its rising.

Roomie: Come stay with me. its safer. except for the ocean/massive flooding part. but there are no tornados!

Ira: im waiting for the volcano warning to hit.

Roomie: don't forget the earthquake warning

Ira: ummm we dont have earthquakes here silly...thats oklahoma.

Roomie: Oh right. my bad. we had "hurricane strength wind" here this morning. I had no idea the bay area was in a hurricane zone. but at least i don't have to worry about tornados.

Ira: TSUNAMI!!! FROM CHINA